To worry about making friends in London? And people's notions about Americans?

[Begentleimnewhere]

We are preparing to move to London from the U.S. as a result of my DH's job transfer. I've been so always loved London and my kids are little enough that they won't complain (6 and 4). My DH has committed to stay for at least 3 years, but if all goes well it could be a lot longer. His company is paying for private school and giving us a generous housing allowance, and a bunch of other financial incentives, and equalizing the taxes to what they are here, so we will probably have a higher standard of living in London than we do here, even though it is so expensive there. We've found a nice flat and narrowed the schools down to a few choices that have space for my older DC.

Last night I spoke to a friend of a friend who recently returned from living in London for a few years under similar circumstances. I've met this woman several times and as far as I can tell she is friendly, smart, and fun. I was looking forward to getting some tips from her, but to be honest she kind of took the wind out of my sails. She ultimately enjoyed her experience but she said it was very, very hard for her to make friends. She met lots of moms at her kids' schools, neighbors, etc., and they were all pleasant and polite, but nobody was receptive to her efforts at getting to know them. This woman is a bit outspoken, but not inappropriately so, although I wonder if the line of appropriateness might be different over there. She ended up making most of her friends through clubs and activities geared toward other expats.

I'm a bit more shy than this woman, though still not what you'd call an introvert. I will be leaving behind a great group of "mom friends" from my DC's preschool, and they are a big part of making life as a stay-at-home mom bearable. Obviously it took time to build these friendships and I know I can't instantly recreate what I have here, but I also know I won't be happy alone with my kids all day every day for 3 years.

So be brutally honest: what should I be expecting as an American mom moving to London? (Speaking in huge generalizations, obviously.) I'm not expecting a welcome party, but will I eventually be able to make real friends and feel like a normal person? I know there are plenty of Americans in London and they all seem to love it so I'm hoping it can't be that hard.

Also should I be worried about fitting in with the other parents at an expensive "pre-prep" school? I'm told we won't get DC into a decent state school mid-year and the international schools that have space aren't convenient to my DH's office. Where we live now the public schools are excellent and even wealthy people usually use them. We are reasonably comfortable financially, but TBH it would be a big stretch to afford the flat and school if DH's company wasn't paying. I'm a normal mid-30s mom who is still carrying a bit of baby weight and wears yoga pants a bit more than I should. I make an effort to dress nicely --when I'm not too frazzled-- but I am far from a fashionista. Am I going to feel poor and frumpy next to the posh private school mums?

Is there anything I should specifically try NOT to do in order to avoid fulfilling negative stereotypes about Americans? I won't throw any baby showers but that's about all I've gleaned from MN so far.

Sorry this message was so long, I hope at least a few people actually read it. Thanks very much!

And we're a country where the accent changes every 5 miles, and we do love our local dialects.

In New York the accent changes every five blocks so OP will be very familiar with that

Begentle
I was cogitating last night to think of the bit of NYC that most resembles Fulham - based on my ramblings around both cities
its sort of Gramercy / Kipps / Murray in feel ... if that makes sense

In most ways the Brits are less religious but beware there isn't the same separation of church and state. You can expect the school to have a Nativity play every December along with religious education. I almost fell over when one of my stepkids came home with a bible given out by school.

So, I'm American and living on the London/ Essex borders - OP there is a lot of terrible bullshit about Essex on this thread. I can categorically say I've never been told to go back where I came from here or elsewhere in the UK for that matter. I've also lived in other places that you may also be told to avoid where the only other Yanks for miles tended to be Mormons on their evangelising year abroad. You can PM for my list of alternative hot spots for UK travel, if you like, it's free of charge.

Anyway - I've been here for 24 years and it's accepted they won't get rid of me now I guess.

The other Americans I know tend to be married to Brits too. There are lots of us about generally. But I can't imagine you'd have trouble meeting mums at the school even you are the only one (I am the only one at our school.) I mean, if your main topic of conversation is how much better the US is than the UK you might find people edging away but I am going to assume you're more socially aware than that. Just be yourself - unless you're a Donald Trump supporter, then maybe it's safer to keep that quiet.

I don't have experience of proper expat type circles although a very good friend lived in Surrey for a while and did - really enjoyed herself. Was sorry to move back to the other European country she normally lives in. It might be worthwhile to try out the American Women's Club and there is also a Junior League of London Club here. Your university may have a club too. I would check that out; mine does. I am not involved beyond FB updates. For a temporary measure, as you are settling, it can be nice to know things like that are there.

One thing I would mention is that in terms of schools, if there is any chance that you might be here long term (which I think you said was possible), think about moving to an area where there is a sustainable solution to good schooling. One of the reasons my friend's family had to move back is that the expat package ended and their lifestyle, in particular the American schools, was totally unsustainable on a local salary.

Britain is an absolutely fantastic place to bring up kids. I wouldn't be anywhere else. Feel free to PM me too.

I think sometimes Americans can say the wrong thing, as they do not have as much history as other Countries. Here are some overheard examples:

In Rome, this was said by an American lady: "Godamn these cobbles, haven't they heard of tarmaccadum"

In Edinburgh: "Oh I love Edinburgh castle, but why did they build it so close the the railway?"

Cue lots of rolled eyes by the Europeans.

Apart from that we are a friendly bunch. I like Americans. You'll be fine! And London is awesome.

Coldwhite
Two American ladies looking at the Tower of London
Gee, ain't that QUAINT
cue the NY accented family members I was with closing their mouths firmly and walking away fast

In most ways the Brits are less religious but beware there isn't the same separation of church and state. You can expect the school to have a Nativity play every December along with religious education. I almost fell over when one of my stepkids came home with a bible given out by school.

This was an enormous adjustment for me. I don't have strong feelings about religion one way or another, but the way in which the CoE influences the state was a terrific shock to me. You of course know all this before you arrive, but it is still incredibly strange after years of seeing the ACLU protesting manger displays or whatever in the US.

I grew up in Wimbledon and loved it. Its really easy to get to the city, the train network is on your doorstep. I dont know about now, and as an adult, but for kids its probably easier.

A friend of mine has relocated from America and is over here.

I'm not in London so can't speak from the perspective of living in a big city but I think if you are the type to make friends, you can do that anywhere. If you struggle, it can be a struggle anywhere - but big cities can make it harder.

I know where I live it's not hard to meet people either via your interests or through children. My American friend is great and we've wholeheartedly embraced a few American traditions such as Thanksgiving (which she hosts) while reciprocating with more English ones (such as bonfire night get togethers).

"Oh I love Edinburgh castle, but why did they build it so close the the railway?"

I don't believe anyone has ever actually said this. But it is often repeated on MN.

seneca
Sadly I can believe it as in parts of the Western US, the train station came before much around it .... wrong side of the tracks and all that

It was the family members who wore loud check pants and golfing shirts when in London because its expected of us that used to mortify me

On a related note, middle aged American tourists: how do they keep their trainers so white? More pertinently why do they think they go with chinos?

how do they keep their trainers so white?
They buy them fresh for the trip to Engerland^
More pertinently why do they think they go with chinos?
Have you been to New York : they wear trainers with everything

I'd say it depends on where you move to in London: Central or in the suburbs. In my experience of being in central London and sending LO to a private school I found that I didn't meet many mums regularly enough at the school gates to strike up any real friendships. Most of the time the children come to school with their nannies so there really isn't much opportunity to get to know other mums. The mums I have met are lovely, but pushed for time if they are working. The intake at many of the private schools in central London is also very international. Lots of families that are based temporarily in London for work. Just recently one family we made friends with had moved back to the U.S.

My SIL lives in London zone 6 and has made great mummy friends through her daughter's nursery/school because she sees

"Oh I love Edinburgh castle, but why did they build it so close the the railway?"

I don't believe anyone has ever actually said this. But it is often repeated on MN.

Sounds far-fetched, I agree.

Pressed post before I finished! Oops.

So as I was saying, SIL has made lots of mummy friends because she sees all the mums every morning at school and the the children have play dates etc. A lot of the families are also in London long term.

I did once hear an American lady admire the 'medieval' litter bin at the Tower of London (honest) seneca

And you must learn to queue (get in line) OP. We Brits hate people who dont queue
You sound very self -aware and lovely . London is a fabulous city (my DD1 lives there) and you are fortunate indeed to be able to live near-ish to the centre . There's loads to do, a lot of it free. Bearing in mind comments re discretion on politics, the gun laws and religion ,I don't think your 'American-ness' should be an issue.

I've never actually heard anyone in the US use that word tarmacadam either.

True, Stateside its Macadam, in the UK its Tarmac, rarely the full word

Eh? Macadam? This American has never heard another American use that word.

America is a big place. Depends which state you hail from I guess
curbstone.com/_macadam.htm

There are tons of American expat mothers at my DD's school (also West London). Some I like, some I don't, much like any other group of people!

I will say that the thing I struggle with most is when some of them complain about the NHS as it seems so ungracious and odd (it's fairly frequent too). When I have lived abroad in the past I always made sure never to criticise my host countries to their people as it just seems so ungracious.

Ah yes. I think that's a common newly minted expat mistake - never complain about the NHS. Just don't do it no matter how dire your experience. Have proper expat insurance and complain to other Americans!

Indole - I think the problem lies in that Americans don't see it as criticising the person or the country. If you had an issue with a doctor or hospital in the US an American wouldn't be in the slightest bit offended. The idea that the NHS is a national institution and that any complaint might be taken personally just doesn't register (until of course you offend enough people!). Most Americans I know would want to know if they are being offensive. Just tell them.

Begentleimnewhere, you will meet some great people, but you will also find that, while the British are generally very politically correct, it seems to be widely accepted to make slurs about Americans being poorly educated, unaware of history/geography, etc., and people will say these things directly to your face. Not all British people do this, but a fair number of them do, and you will notice it.

I've occasionally asked people to repeat what they've said, but replace "Americans" with "Indians" or "Nigerians" or "women", and this has resulted in some interesting apologies.