To worry about making friends in London? And people's notions about Americans?

[Begentleimnewhere]

We are preparing to move to London from the U.S. as a result of my DH's job transfer. I've been so always loved London and my kids are little enough that they won't complain (6 and 4). My DH has committed to stay for at least 3 years, but if all goes well it could be a lot longer. His company is paying for private school and giving us a generous housing allowance, and a bunch of other financial incentives, and equalizing the taxes to what they are here, so we will probably have a higher standard of living in London than we do here, even though it is so expensive there. We've found a nice flat and narrowed the schools down to a few choices that have space for my older DC.

Last night I spoke to a friend of a friend who recently returned from living in London for a few years under similar circumstances. I've met this woman several times and as far as I can tell she is friendly, smart, and fun. I was looking forward to getting some tips from her, but to be honest she kind of took the wind out of my sails. She ultimately enjoyed her experience but she said it was very, very hard for her to make friends. She met lots of moms at her kids' schools, neighbors, etc., and they were all pleasant and polite, but nobody was receptive to her efforts at getting to know them. This woman is a bit outspoken, but not inappropriately so, although I wonder if the line of appropriateness might be different over there. She ended up making most of her friends through clubs and activities geared toward other expats.

I'm a bit more shy than this woman, though still not what you'd call an introvert. I will be leaving behind a great group of "mom friends" from my DC's preschool, and they are a big part of making life as a stay-at-home mom bearable. Obviously it took time to build these friendships and I know I can't instantly recreate what I have here, but I also know I won't be happy alone with my kids all day every day for 3 years.

So be brutally honest: what should I be expecting as an American mom moving to London? (Speaking in huge generalizations, obviously.) I'm not expecting a welcome party, but will I eventually be able to make real friends and feel like a normal person? I know there are plenty of Americans in London and they all seem to love it so I'm hoping it can't be that hard.

Also should I be worried about fitting in with the other parents at an expensive "pre-prep" school? I'm told we won't get DC into a decent state school mid-year and the international schools that have space aren't convenient to my DH's office. Where we live now the public schools are excellent and even wealthy people usually use them. We are reasonably comfortable financially, but TBH it would be a big stretch to afford the flat and school if DH's company wasn't paying. I'm a normal mid-30s mom who is still carrying a bit of baby weight and wears yoga pants a bit more than I should. I make an effort to dress nicely --when I'm not too frazzled-- but I am far from a fashionista. Am I going to feel poor and frumpy next to the posh private school mums?

Is there anything I should specifically try NOT to do in order to avoid fulfilling negative stereotypes about Americans? I won't throw any baby showers but that's about all I've gleaned from MN so far.

Sorry this message was so long, I hope at least a few people actually read it. Thanks very much!

Lovely riverside walks at Chiswick and Hammersmith too.

If you're in central London, I would highly recommend joining the children's club Purple Dragon (close to Sloane Square). My DC go and there are many international (as well as British) parents there. It would be a good place to meet parents in a relaxed and very pleasant environment.

You're entirely welcome, AllTouched :o

I wonder if I'd struggle. I'm religious but not in your face, vote Obama (probably Sanders this time), and my DH has a gun. Loathe Trump, have always lived in the Midwest, would rather not fit in than not say thank you for every tiny courtesy.

Good luck OP! I hope it's great.

Oooooooh OP this is the biggest thing...WHAT ARE YOUR CHILDREN NAMED?!

If they're Makenna and Paxton you'd better just stay at home

Cheerful - you would do fine if you didn't mention the gun.

Apple - Fulham is not liberal in a Brit sense. But almost the whole UK (on a community by community rather than every individual basis) is liberal if we are talking the socio political issues like guns, access to legal abortion, death penalty, gay marriage.

Good luck with your move. West London is lovely. So much to see and do.

I expect you are looking at Latymer, Godolphin, St Pauls or the pre prep in the Hammersmith, Fulham and Kensington area or similar. What you will find is that many of the parents work full time, so those that are at the school gate will be nannies and housekeepers. Do what pp suggest, join the PTA and get involved in the sporting activities when you can.

I would suggest having a look at Chiswick, just next to Hammersmith/Fulham, but more family orientated.

Barking and Dagenham hardly Essex. More east london. Please dont use that area as an example of Essex because it isnt.

Flat, do me a favour. Barking and Dagenham is in Essex. It has an Essex postcode. My various addresses in both boroughs were - wait for it - Essex. Just because you don't consider it proper Essex (whatever the fuck that means) doesn't make it not be Essex. It's Essex. That's like saying Dartford isn't proper Kent, more like London really, even though it's Dartford, Kent.

I was going to say don't mention guns

I met a really nice couple in NYC and we chatted for a bit until they told me they had the solution for the shootings in schools that unfortunately happen in the U.S. The lady suggested that all primary teachers should be armed with a semi automatic machine gun and if someone suspicious entered the school, they could shoot them

I mentioned that the UK solution would be gun control and the conversation sort of petered out...

Apple - Fulham is not liberal in a Brit sense. But almost the whole UK (on a community by community rather than every individual basis) is liberal if we are talking the socio political issues like guns, access to legal abortion, death penalty, gay marriage.

Oh, sure. Things like gay marriage are a non-issue in the UK. But for the most part, middle-class Fulham (because OP mentioned private school) is nuclear families, SAHMs and Tory voters.

(loving the little dust up over Essex going on in the corner )

True, Fulham is the home of the Sloaney pony and has a higher than average red trouser count.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_White_Horse,_Fulham

lookatmyfuckingredtrousers.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

Yeah Apple . Absolutely. Different definitions of liberal. Fulham definitely not UK liberal. More Torygraph central.

Fulham is Communist compared with much of the US
but more sort of East Midtown to Kensington's Upper East Side

What an amazing adventure for you guys!

Not everyone in the Midwest is a slack jawed yokel.

Or in the Bible Belt, for that matter.

Things like gay marriage are a non-issue in the UK.

What about Northern Ireland?

Same sex marriage was legal in the OP's state several years before it was legal anywhere in the UK. And it is legal everywhere in the US now, unlike the UK.

OP I can't offer any proper advice. I have never lived or worked in London and it always seems like another Country to me (I grew up in the English Midlands).

However, I will say that having worked for two American Companies in the last 20 years, I've seen Brits making more of a big deal about the fact that Americans are Americans (even in our company) than the other way around - I have made long-standing friends in California who never even mention it unless it's relevant.

I think that we do enjoy friendly banter between Brits and Australians, for example and sometimes as a result we may come over as overly harsh towards Americans - a lot of what's said isn't meant to upset or offend.

With that said, I must say I've either been exceptionally lucky, or Americans are just generally very welcoming. I did have a couple of examples of straightforward racist comments (anti-English) in CA but they were so far from the norm as to be exceptional.

As I Brit I like to think I have come to understand and accept the gun thing in the USA - it is after all a whole different place with a different culture - but I do prefer it that we aren't so keen here, although many of my US friends were surprised that shotgun ownership is perfectly legal here - I think the NRA had told them only criminals are allowed guns :)

I sincerely hope you are welcomed and we give a decent account of ourselves as a nation.

SenecaFalls you have a pretty fuzzy understanding of American culture if you think that gay marriage is as acceptable in the US as it is in the UK.

Seneca - yes, Northern Ireland s politics are a particular difficulty for the UK that most of us like to ignore (though, to be fair, it's 10% of their population probably. That just sadly includes all the powerful ones). And they do have civil partnerships.

Hi Begentle

As an American with two kids (7 and 4) living in London. I think most things have been covered here- No guns, no religion, no overly demonstrative thank yous. And judging by the comments on this thread you're already getting a feel for what people are going to talk to you about!

While I have lived here for a long time (since the Bush years, boy, that was fun) it does take a while to get used to "being American" in UK. And where you will be living you really have a choice about how integrated you really want to be. You could easily do all the expat forums/meet ups and you could even join the Junior League but that's not very interesting.

Maybe instead on totally relying on school friendships it might be worth taking the time and hiring a sitter to do something YOU are interested in. That way you are more likely to meet like minded people, irregardless of their nationality.

Anyway, it's going to be awesome. (Top tip, use the word awesome a lot, but never describe anyone's kid as precocious, it means brat here. Most uncomfortable dinner party ever )

Burrito - does it not in the US?

I'd say 'precocious' is high-risk compliment in American circles, it means markedly advanced with a hint of chutzpa.

Apple I recognize that there are a lot of people in the US who object to same sex marriage. But I think that sometimes people in other countries don't give the US credit for the enormous strides that have been made in gay rights in the last few years. And New York, the state that the OP is from, has been a leader in the movement.

And people on MN do forget from time to time that same sex marriage is not legal in all of the UK as it is in the US.

Oh and OP, you are in for an exciting time. I haven't lived in London, but I went to university in the UK, and it was life-changing. The city where I spent my student days is still my favorite place in the world and I would move there in a heartbeat if I could.

When I travel around the USA and see mega-churches in the Bible Belt, Fox News and guns for sale in Wal-Mart, I realise that in many ways the differences between Britain and America are as significant as the similarities.

We may share a common language and popular culture with our American friends but, make no mistake, when it comes to religion, abortion, guns, healthcare, gay marriage etc etc the UK is very much a European country.