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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

214 replies

MotherPie · 28/12/2015 00:41

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

OP posts:
Elendon · 02/01/2016 10:42

I most certainly do not view every man as a potential abuser, please do not twist my post like that.

BlueJug · 02/01/2016 10:43

Trust issue is a different one from the automatic presumption of either guilt or innocence.

I trust my DP to do some things - but not to do others. The trust depends on your relationship. However posters who have said that trust can be misplaced or breached are right - sometimes we all get it wrong.

Essentially you have to look at the evidence.

This must be hell for this family at the moment. The OP, her partner, the girl and her parents. What a mess.

peasandcheese · 02/01/2016 11:37

I'm not reading any of the comments as I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and know there will be some stupid comments that will upset me.

OP, phone the Lucy Faithfull Foundation. They will give you good, helpful, confidential advice about this - whatever this actually is - and are probably the only organisation able to do so.

cleaty · 02/01/2016 12:42

Trusting someone because you love them, when they have been accused of something, is very naive.

FifteenFortyNine · 02/01/2016 12:48

Some posters here have a very naive view of police. They're not clairvoyants and they don't have Truth Serum.

based on information given by OP, the accuser has serious problems which need addressing. Also OP's H is right, foundations of their relationship is now seriously damaged. Good luck OP, what a difficult situation which needs careful managing.

amarmai · 02/01/2016 13:50

there's nothing 'stupid' about choosing to be on the side of a child who says s/he has been abused. And it is a choice , as every jury knows it is making a choice in any trial , as every day in our lives we make choices re who to beleive. In this posting the op has made a choice that i agree with , to stand with this girl. It is because she is vulnerable that she is more likely to become a victim . Stats are over 90% of the claims of abuse and rape are based on truth. Check this out for yourselves. Predators choose the weakest and most likely not to speak up and /or not to be beleived. I am learning more now as to why victims hesitate to accuse and are afraid they will not be beleived .

JessicaRuby · 02/01/2016 18:44

No one has said they don't believe the girl in the OP. Just that the OP needn't feel that she has to automatically presume her DP is guilty.

That's not the same as saying 'of course the girl is lying, she has MH issues, you must disregard what she's saying and only listen to your DP' Hmm

Regardless the OP has said she will try and get to the bottom of it.

Elendon · 02/01/2016 20:50

And yet Jessica, you presume that those who don't see your point of view are not, quote reasonable people end quote.

Maryz · 02/01/2016 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JessicaRuby · 02/01/2016 21:40

No, Elendon, I didn't. You need to reread my posts

HTH 👍🏼

cleaty · 02/01/2016 21:44

Either the girl is lying or telling the truth. You can't have it both ways.
A lot of historical abuse carried out by celebrities and politicians that is coming to light, happened to children with mental health problems, or a history of behavioural problems, or had been involved in criminal activities. Many reported the abuse, but were not believed.

abbsismyhero · 04/01/2016 17:03

some report abuse and retract it afterwards due to how the family is treated by the authorities only to find out this is the start of the problems

either way the trust between the op and her husband has been breached because anyone who says they would not think twice after their partner has been accused is kidding themselves surely? unless it goes to court and they are proved innocent beyond doubt you will always have that doubt in your mind always give them a second look over innocent things it can kill a relationship

Jand1812 · 31/03/2024 22:53

I have a new partner who after spending less than a week together told me he had to tell me something that had been a big story in his life and was in that moment coming to an end, he told me that his brothers partner had accused him of sexually abusing their daughter of 3 years old. He was with the girl at his mothers home and his mother was a
direct witness that nothing happened.
He went through a court process and the girl was tested physically and the police took all his devices, he was not convicted and proven not guilty.
When he told me i was shocked but felt full trust in what he was saying and full safety, he was on frequent phonecalls with family members in tearful celebration that the case had been officially closed, he has continued to show me in his words and actions that he is a trustworthy and loving partner with no reason to doubt it.

A recent conversation with a close friend made me very uncomfortable, on
hearing this about him, her opinion is that i can never really trust him because its not something he can ever really prove and should end things immediately.
And that this red flag is too dangerous.

I trust my gut and what i feel and witness in this guy, but i take seriously the opinion of my lifelong friend. I feel her opinion comes from fear of the worst case senario of course and i really felt the fear too, like how can i ever be sure 100% that he is safe.
But truly, how can i be sure anyone is ever 100% safe? Surely we
listen to instincts and signals?

I just found that naturally, i felt very safe and trusting of his story. I believe it, but my friends words have made me question if i am being un-wise as a
mother letting this person with this story into our lives.

DoYouWantMeToBeTheCat · 31/03/2024 22:59

@Jand1812

you will get better responses under your own thread rather than a comment on someone else’s. What a difficult situation for you.

my first step would be to contact the police and ask for them to discuss your partners situation and get an independent word on it.

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