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Original poster

WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

214 replies

MotherPie · 28/12/2015 00:41

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

OP posts:
We3KingyOfOblomovAre · 30/12/2015 16:18

I found CS believed every word a child said. They did with me. Believed every word ds2 said, until ds1 pointed out this was impossible, because ds2 was at grandma's at the time.

Read MN over the years - Reception teachers will tell you that some children claim their dad is superman/Thor/works at Buckingham palace.

But no. As far as CS as concerned, no child ever lied. They are gullible as anything. Gullible to the point of stupidity.

The damage done is frightening.

NoahVale · 30/12/2015 17:22

well the parents of the child dont appear to have come on MN for advice. so there is no conversation.
OP hasnt come back, again no conversation necessary.

Debsmumof3 · 31/12/2015 07:48

Always believe the child. It is likely the perpetrator has been 'grooming' everyone in order to get away with it. You may have been 'groomed'to believe him over her. He prob would have said or more likely 'implied' to victim that she won't be believed. Any doubt when she initially comes forward will screw her unfit a long time. And worse still, if it is true (& 97% of the time it is!) he could move on to another victim. I would phone Childline and ask them for advice. It can be done anonymously.

Karanka · 31/12/2015 08:50

Debs

So, in all circumstances, you presume guilt, no questions asked?

Debsmumof3 · 31/12/2015 09:17

No I did not say presume guilt. I said assume the child is likely to be telling the truth. Don't dismiss them. Listen to them. Not the same. The court jury will decide guilt. The police will decide arrest. And the CPS will decide whether to charge.
It's the family/adult who decides belief.

BeaufortBelle · 31/12/2015 11:32

I've been thinking and thinking about this thread and my honest response, had a teen accused my dh of this and one with a track record for telling lies to boot, would have been to wring the little so and so's neck and make it crystal clear to her parents that their relationship with my family from that moment on was over and that their focus should be on sorting out their child's mental health issues and related behaviour. The reason being that I know my partner would not and could not and would never think of doing such a thing and I would totally and utterly stand by him and support him and stick up for him in the event of any such malicious accusations.

The concern vis a vis the OP is that she does not feel she can do this and therefore there must be a doubt in her mind about her partner's conduct and capabilities.

Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 11:35

But, Debsmum, how does "always believe the child" work when the child herself is telling totally inconsistent stories and those stories aren't compatible with the evidence of independent third parties?

abbsismyhero · 31/12/2015 12:50

you're not supposed to repeatedly question the child they will change their story if they are badgered leave it to the experts

PigletJohn · 31/12/2015 14:14

"I know my partner would not and could not and would never think of doing such a thing"

It's great to know we can close down all the courts because all suspects are innocent. Think of the taxpayer's money we will save.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 31/12/2015 14:42

Indeed. I'm sure the partner of many a convicted person thought the same.

BeaufortBelle · 31/12/2015 15:06

If a partner or parent can't trust someone who is falsely accused then you can't expect a jury to.

amarmai · 31/12/2015 16:06

'nowhere did i read that she stated she did not want to be hugged before she was hugged' Nice one Marys.
Just read that Bill Cosby has been charged in court with sexual assault just before the deadline. In his statement he says similar= she didn't say she did not want my hands in her genitals so i continued. And that was a grown woman who did not have mh issues. Of course he had drugged her.
This girl was asleep ,then wakened when she realised that she was being touched . Not being fully awake when a sexual assault happens wd be confusing for me . YOU?
I'm getting an unwanted and unpleasant insight into all the girls who told what uncle/daddy/stepdad/brother/cousin/family friend/--- did to them and were not beleived by their mother.

Maryz · 31/12/2015 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Debsmumof3 · 01/01/2016 13:40

Wow. Some deep thoughts gone into this. I'm really glad we all take it seriously.
MotherPie
How do you feel now? Lots of comments for you to consider or of course ignore....
I should declare personal experience in this area. As a mum you instinctively know when they are telling the truth. Hard enough if your child(ren) are the victims, but I guess it must be even tougher if it's your child who is the perpetrator.
And yes, Beaufortbelle , I think the quietness speaks volumes.

amarmai · 01/01/2016 19:04

You are so projecting here ,M, that you are completely contradicting yourself in a previous very similar thread.
I quote you from a previous thread where pps were doubting if an assault had taken place. You were adamant that indeed it was an assault.
You posted an imaginary scenario 'my female dp has confessed to me--that when extremely drunk at her male mate's house-she came to& her friend ---was touching her. We wd all be certain it was assault. Even if she said it wasn't, we wd all know it was. Because she had not consciously consented."
The similarities are striking yet now you are furiously saying the opposite.
And the 'were you there ?' is so irrelevant, as none of us were there except for the poster , who is going to report.If you are picked for a jury ,you cd try that to get off maybe.

BlueJug · 01/01/2016 19:48

amarmai -Maryz did not contradict herself - they are completely different situations.

Maryz has experience of troubled teens - as do others on the thread. What she says is valid. None of us knows the truth. The OP hasn't been back. A general discussion of the issues is interesting as it seems to be more and more relevant these days.

amarmai · 01/01/2016 21:09

the sits are amazing similar. In one she asserts that it was assault and in the other she casts doubt. BTW i worked with abused teens for eight years- I am not lacking in experience. As i said -it's a choice who to beleive and my choice goes to the female.
The mother being housebound def wd make the d feel like a carer and wd put her in a very vulnerable sit= which is exactly what pervs go for, like predators picking off the weak in the herd. If the mother needs the uncle to help out, she may minimise and deny what her d is feeling. The relative who was on the couch, was sleeping under the influence of medication and cd not have been aware of what her p was or was not doing to the girl.The d has a right to say no at any point where her body is concerned - as i have read many times on MN. When M puts words in my mouth and then attacks me for what she says i said, that's called setting up a straw dog. I have quoted her words and shown how contradictory she is .

Maryz · 01/01/2016 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amarmai · 01/01/2016 22:40

when you're caught you resort to personal attacks. Sorry for the people who work with you.

Maryz · 01/01/2016 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueJug · 02/01/2016 00:33

The situations - as far as we know are different. As Maryz explained.

It is beyond stupid - and very dangerous to always assume guilt/innocence without any evidence. Especially when the consequences can be so devastating. The right thing to do is to find out what happened.

One day you might find yourself accused. I hope that you never, ever allow yourself to be alone with a child.

An old university friend of mine, very talented musically and openly gay ran a junior choir. He had had a Cathedral choir education himself and loved to nurture true singing talent. But you can imagine how vulnerable he felt.

On advice he ALWAYS refused to help boys with extra lessons - although many mothers asked and asked. He ALWAYS came into the rehearsal room after all the boys were assembled and NEVER left the room until all the boys had been collected by their mothers. He insisted that at least two parents were present in the rehearsal rooms for "child protection reasons" at all times. It was tightly organised and he never had a problem but he knew what could happen if an accusation were made.

LagunaBubbles · 02/01/2016 01:14

It is just as dangerous to assume that all accusations made are true as presuming they are false.

JessicaRuby · 02/01/2016 01:56

Laguna I don't think Armarmai understands that basic premise so there's likely no point in any of us reasonable people trying to explain any further to her.

Elendon · 02/01/2016 10:26

For all those posters who say they trust their partners 100%, I think that is a naive approach to life. It is rare to falsely accused. Despite this child's mental health issues, this accusation should not be swept under the carpet. Often it is vulnerable children who are abused.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-30273548

Myles Bradbury was trusted 'implicitly', his wife did not suspect and had a child with him. Parents trusted him. Only vulnerable children knew. He had bought a DVD from Canada and despite the authorities there alerting their counterparts in the UK, the warning was ignored.

LagunaBubbles · 02/01/2016 10:33

I disagree Elendon, of course I trust my DH, and that's not being naive. It is wrong and dangerous to view every man as a potential abuser. I think that's a worrying approach to life.