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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

214 replies

MotherPie · 28/12/2015 00:41

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 29/12/2015 17:03

I have only read the first page and the very sensible post above.

OP if a teenager alleged my husband had done this. There would be no doubt in my mind that the teenager was lying. I have known my DH for 28 years and trust him totally. My doubts and concerns would relate entirely to the teenage girl because I know my dh is not capable of such a thing.

Why do you feel you need to doubt your partner?

Should the family not raise this in the first instance with the camhs team? Why was the girl sleeping in your lap and not in a bedroom, leaving you sleeping alone with your partner?

BlueJug · 29/12/2015 17:34

I certainly would not contact the police.

From what you say I don't think it was assault - in the presence of his partner? It does not ring true.

Once you involve the police there is no going back. Think of your own child - he loses his father - do a it more to establish the truth first.

I feel very sorry for your OH OP - his life is ruined whichever way this goes.

It sounds as if the girl is vulnerable, damaged, prone to making things up or misunderstanding situations.

And as for uncles - a hug is the most normal thing in the world. I visited my brother on Boxing Day and my OH hugged his 18 yr old niece and my DBr hugged my 18 yr old DD - totally what families do.

amarmai · 29/12/2015 20:07

sounds like men take the opportunity to hug teenage girls.

EmmaGellerGreen · 29/12/2015 20:15

Yes, uncles often hug their nieces, whatever age they are. My uncle always hugs me and my dad always hugged his nieces. Nothing to get excited about.

abbsismyhero · 29/12/2015 20:22

use clare's law run a background check on him i know you trust him but people slip through the cracks and you wouldnt believe what some social workers deem acceptable risks everyone is entitled to use clare's law to find out if their partner has had an arrest/conviction etc previously and are a risk to children

its the only advice i can give you Sad

Maryz · 29/12/2015 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeaufortBelle · 29/12/2015 20:36

Absolutely with maryz there.

amarmai · 29/12/2015 20:52

Did you not read that the girl did not want to be hugged?
It's not about YOU!
At any age if we do not want to be hugged , no one has the right to do so.
It's a choice who you decide to beleive.
Until proven otherwise , this girl is the victim.

EmmaGellerGreen · 29/12/2015 21:00

And therein lies the problem. How can this be proven either way? From what we are told, there is no evidence to prove or disprove anything.

The comments about ubles hugging were, I suspect in response to your comment that men take the opportunity to hug tee age girls and the inference e that there is a problem with this in general.

Maryz · 29/12/2015 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shumaya · 29/12/2015 21:09

No one is saying that the girl can't refuse a hug.

Your post was suggesting that all men who hug teenage girls are perverts though, which is ridiculous.

Shumaya · 29/12/2015 21:10

Cross Post!

clangerons · 29/12/2015 21:11

My DP was falsely accused of a sex offence a few years ago. It wasn't rape or sexual abuse, but he was arrested, charged and went to court and he was found not guilty.

He was arrested while we were in the house having dinner after work and I was utterly shocked. I told the police right from the start that it was rubbish and he would never have done it, but they pretty much laughed at me. I never once doubted him - it basically went against everything DP is as a person and everything I know about him. He was released on bail the next day and was hysterical because he thought everyone would believe no smoke without fire. I was also physically attacked while in the local supermarket by one of the accusers but the police refused to investigate it and told me that it was only what I should expect.

The time leading up to the trial was horrendous. DP was suicidal, afraid to go out, convinced that no-one believed him. The police were a fucking disgrace and I will never trust them again because they did everything they could to tip the case against him, including withholding statements from people who showed that he wasn't at X place at X time. Fortunately for DP, the accusers were a bunch of utter scum who failed to turn up at court and very obviously lied through their fucking teeth once they got there. The judge even told the police their case was laughably prejudiced and their negligence was appalling.

DP still hasn't got over it. He gets anxious being outside the house other than for work and has trouble sleeping.

Sorry for the long story, OP. I guess I just wanted to highlight that if you involve the police, you need to be aware that they may be less than objective, and there is not always truth behind every accusation.

PresidentUnderwood · 29/12/2015 21:15

This thread makes me sick.

Having been abused three times, yep three. I can tell you first hand how much damage your middle class hand wringing does as you try and throw as much mud as possible at the victim to disprove her story.

A child has made a complaint of a sexual assault. Call the police. It's not for you to make the burden of proof, it's not for you to discuss her mental health or sexual history (don't worry the prosecution barrister will rip that to shreds) and it's not for you to define sexual assult.

It is our job as adults to protect children, stop abuse and believe the victim first and foremost.

Anyone who does any different is abuse enabler. Get off the fucking philosophical fence and do the right thing. FULL STOP

Maryz · 29/12/2015 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubbleBubble00 · 29/12/2015 21:34

Similar situation in our family but person teen accused wasn't a family member. This teen was believed and teacher was investigated. Then it was a family friend she accused and that was investigated and found untrue. In the end she was diagnosed with schizophrenia after three years.

This needs to be followed up. Her parents need to go to her social worker. She needs help reguardless if its true or not.

Yourself I would encourage u to go with dp to the police and to contact social services.

If this accusation is untrue she's a danger to be around any male and school need to be aware so she is never alone with an adult.

spongebob5 · 29/12/2015 21:51

I'm a CPN ( not with CAMHS) , if a client disclosed anything of this nature to me , I would have no choice but to report the incident to safeguarding and social services , which would lead to a police investigation. Posters suggesting that this young girl discusses what has happened with her therapist & that it can be dealt with 'inhouse' are wrong as any professional would be duty bound to report to the relevant authorities. This is the reality of the situation.

aurynne · 29/12/2015 21:56

This story is heart-wrenching. I am trying to imagine that my 13-year-old cousin accused my DH of sexual abuse, and I have no bloody idea what I would do or how I would react. I trust my DH 100%, he is a man who I could never imagine doing anything inappropriate. If a member of my family I also love and trust accused him of abuse it would be an absolute nightmare. Who to believe? Who to support? How to behave? OP, I have no advice or you, but you have my best wishes and my whole-heartedly desire that someone comes clean in that situation, to prevent any further hurt.

CFSsucks · 29/12/2015 22:21

sponge, yes that happened to me. I disclosed to my teacher as I completely broke down in school a couple of months later (as pp said, I couldn't speak about it straight away and I didn't want to at all but I was a wreck in school and breaking down all over the place, it was quite obvious something was hugely wrong) and she tole me they were going to get SS advice, who then informed the police. I didn't want any of that to happen but because I told someone in a position of authority, they had to pass it on.

scarlets · 29/12/2015 22:43

A defence lawyer would pull this apart if it ever made it to court. She can't even seem to make up her mind where it happened, let alone what happened. Her parents aren't convinced and a jury won't be either (if it ever gets that far).

amarmai · 29/12/2015 23:45

my choice will always be to beleive the woman.

amarmai · 29/12/2015 23:47

making me sick too

unlucky83 · 29/12/2015 23:49

sponge I was one of the ones who suggested she had the opportunity to speak to her therapist first. Because if she is making it up/being abused by someone else I believe the therapist is the most likely unbiased person she to get the truth out of her....rather than the police -who if she is making it up maybe make her feel like she is backed into a corner.
And even if she goes to the police I think she should have the support of her therapist.
Would you as the therapist stop everything - right before you say anything else just let me inform the authorities?
Or would you finish the session and therefore give her the opportunity to discuss how she felt and if she has made it up and admit it to you and say why etc?
If she did retract the claim in a session would you still inform the police?
Although I do think SS need to know either way.
It is as much about protecting her if she has made it up as protecting her 'abuser' - and if she is being abused elsewhere and this is an untrue accusation against the OPs OH it could effect how the police deal with her in the future.

rosewithoutthorns · 29/12/2015 23:50

Im another one that feels sick.

Kittypawpuff · 29/12/2015 23:52

I dont know about the situation with your OH but from what you have described about her she has most likely been abused before, tell tell signs of her behavior,

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