WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

[MotherPie]

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

I'd tell the police. Stop asking her. Stop listening to him. A one time liar doesn't make an all time liar. If you believe the wrong person you are setting them up for a whole lifetime of trouble.

Why did she need babysitting if her mum is "housebound"

You, as the partner of the accused, need to take a step back. You are stuck right in the middle of this, so cannot be objective for either of them really- Divided loyalty in its most obvious form.

You can really only act on what YOU feel right now. You have to really think out what you believe, without 'what happened to me' clouding it.

Let her parents take the lead in 'what to do now'. If it was me, I wouldnt want you near me ( don't take that the wrong way) because you associate with the perpertrator of this allegation, and it will be interesting to see how she would react to that. Possibly up the anti if it Is fabrication.

If you believe your partner, please support him.

What an horrific situation for you, a relative of mine was accused of having indecent images on his computer, everyone was horrified and believed he was innocent - my gut feeling told me he was guilty and I've stuck by this to this day, it has torn the family apart, be prepared for a rocky road ahead and don't make any hasty decisions

You said she lied to her school about being her mums cater, but If her mum is housebound it is possible she sees herself as her carer.

If you're worried about the implications of calling the police, then surely a middle of the road approach would be to contact calms and try to get her counsellor's input. They may well recommend contacting the police or they may want to spel to her themselves in the first instance, and as a qualified counsellor surely would know the right kind of questions to ask without leading iyswim

This is a dreadful situation, and one that everyone concerned with is taking very seriously.

I agree with Jessbow, that you have divided loyalties: it is for the girl's parents or your OH, as the accused, to make the decision about referring it to the police, not you.

Going purely on the information you have presented here, and some professional involvement in child protection cases, I would be inclined to believe your OH, and have grave concerns about the teenager's allegations.

She is clearly troubled, sexually aware, and attention -seeking. She is receiving help and her needs are recognised, if not fully addressed; is it possible to contact her therapist or someone connected with CAMHS who has knowledge of her to discuss how to deal with the situation? I would imagine if this is referred to the police they would contact them immediately.

Once this case is reported to the police your OH will be presumed guilty until proved innocent, (contrary to British law); the onus now is to believe the child making the allegations, not the defendant. This will blow your whole family apart. OH needs to seek legal advice as quickly as possible, for his own protection, whatever the girl's family decide to do.

I think you are very brave in the way you are facing up to this situation, but I hope you seek as much professional advice as you can before taking any action involving the police.

Veda that's a good point. When I was very ill a few years ago both my teenage DCs told their schools that they were my carers. I didn't immediately think they were lying, just telling it from their perspective - and it made me stop and think about the impact my illness was having on them.

If one of my children made the allegation I would assume guilty until proven innocent.

I think that given she is not an immediate family member and I might get ripped to shreds here, but regardless of whether I believed it or not, I would ask partner to leave the family home and not allow unsupervised contact with DC until investigations are over.

It's a toughie but you're going to have to hold tight until police have investigated.

He has said fine to call the police but that things will never be the same same now I have doubted him.

Well then he's not saying fine call the police is he? He's trying to manipulate you out of it with the threat of "things will never be the same". As someone with MH problems who had a family friend attempted to groom me in this manner I'm really shocked that once you have MH problems you are the boy who cried wolf. My family had my back completely and stopped things from becoming much worse. I would 100% be behind the teenager and I would have been straight on the phone to the police.

Crumbly --- the op was saying he said it to phone the police but she feels it will never be the same as she has doubted him. Which I can understand.

That's how I have read it any way.

Op. No advice but it must be a very horrible situation x

Unfortunatley your OH is going to have to recognise that given a) your history and b) the teen's mental health, the priority here is to act on what she is saying, and not ignore it, and to involve the police.
No that's not the same as "not believing" him, it's protecting a vulnerable young person.
Things may never be the same again, but that's not your fault OP.

^I am with you on this. However, this girl is very troubled and has form for lying. She has changed the story (quite majorly) and her own parents are even very dubious. I do think this needs the police though to attempt to get to the bottom of it.

Of course her partner is devastated that she is doubtful. Imagine if you were put in that position tomorrow; you would be distraught if your OH had even a 1% doubt. Of course even if investigations proof that nothing happened that feeling of doubt will always be an issue for the other half.

OP I would be telling the parents that the police need to be called. The poor girl seems to have serious issues and in order to safeguard everyone they should be dealing with it.

That's not what that direct quote says Wandering or OP would have had some kind of break in the sentence when it changed from his narrative to hers.

I think perhaps Camnd need to chat to her - give them the versions she's told you and then see what she tells Camhs.

I hate to say it but her MH issues combined with her comments re men may be because in the past someone has done something inappropriate and she's projecting all men's actions onto this.

But without any clear evidence, and what seems evidence to the contrary I wouldn't automatically assume your OH is guilty. In law he's innocent until proven otherwise.

Surely before calling the police it would be better for someone to speak to her and ask her exactly what happened?

She's telling someone it was on the sofa and he reached for her bra strap through her top and another that it was in a bed and he pulled her top up? The inconsistencies in those stories are pretty big.

You asked WWYD op. If the girl was close to me then I would try and help with any MH issues. But I would believe Dh 100% in the same circumstance and me calling the police or thinking about Dh moving out or contact centres for visits with the dc wouldn't even be in my mind tbh.

Goblin is right, the current trend is to assume the guilt of the suspect, reporting it to the police could easily end with the op partner being charged.

I would nt put too much faith in the police, I know lawyers who are very critical of the police including specialist officers, they say police enquiries are often of poor quality.

I think it's naive to assume the police will conduct a thorough investigation, and find out what the girl's motivation is, it's more likely they will jump to a conclusion and do the bare minimum.

OP, can I ask about her CAMHS referral and when that was made?

You said she's only been having problems for a few months, since the death of a family member, and hence the CAMHS involvement, but don't CAMHS have a massive waiting list due to being hugely under resourced? Not doubting your story, but curious about what seems an extremely swift access to CAMHS and wondering whether in fact there could be more to the situation than you are aware of?

I know a teenage girl who is only now accessing CAMHS support six months after a referral and she was exhibiting extreme and concerning behaviours, SS involvement etc.

I think also that your partner needs to be heard and listened to.

It's very difficult.
A few years ago FIL was accused of inappropriate touching by a teenage family member. This girl has mild SN and unfortunately WAS groomed by a local group, luckily it came to light before anything too serious happened.
However, after this the girl made a number of accusations against several people over a period of years - several of the alleged incident could not possibly have happened, for example a very old family friend called round to speak to her mum and when the mum wasn't in left. He was later accused of forcing his way into the house and assaulting the girl but what she didn't realise is that his wife was waiting in the car and saw him not go in

. I told DH at this point that he was NOT to be alone with the girl just in case false allegations followed ( later discovered another family member had told her DH the same). When fil was accused it caused a massive family rift as the girls mother believed her, and to be honest I completely understand her position and while I didn't come out and say I did or didn't believe the allegations I tried to be supportive of everyone concerned. Fil does have a bit of a reputation for letchery but for looking not touching, I know this is unacceptable and I DO pull him up on it if it happens in front of me

I have to admit that there is a small part of me that is slightly suspicious now of fil and now my own DD approaches the age the girl was when she mad these allegations I am slightly wary of him and do tend to watch how he interacts with my DD in a way I wouldn't with other male family members. I told Dh how I felt and he admitted that he does too.
The problem is that whatever did or didn't happen Op you will always have your doubts about your OH now and counselling may be appropriate later.

Going to say you know the people involved most...so really hard to say WWYD
No matter what the girl needs help...I think I would wait for the therapist next week....there won't be any 'evidence' as such so the delay won't make any difference. And may spare a lot of upheaval and heartbreak. If she has made it up (for whatever reason) and without realising the consequences and implications and then it goes too far down the line she will find it harder to back track.

I will say that we had someone locally accused of abusing two sisters, similar things to what you describe so no concrete medical evidence. They were a relative but not by blood. The older one had been abused from age 7 to 12-13. They had told but were a 'troubled' child, a liar and weren't believed. Nor was it discussed openly in the family. The younger one was then targeted from age 7...took a few years to tell and when they did they were believed because what was happening to them was identical to what the older one had said. The man was convicted. However his wife - their distant blood relative - stood by his side, even after the conviction and said the older one was a liar with all kinds of issues and had convinced the younger one to back up her lies . I had neighbours who knew them telling me it wasn't true...it was such a shame for him.
I think it is true - but there is still the seed of doubt.

CAHMS will contact the police and SS straight away, as counsellors have an obligation/ duty of care to do so. They say this at the beginning of the session, that everything they hear will be confidential UNLESS there is a safeguarding issue, in which they believe someone is or is likely to be being harmed in some way.

I am of the opinion that if your o/h doesnt have anything to hide, then he wont mind phoning the police himself and telling them what hes been accused of. He is angry, of course, but if innocent, he will most likely be shitting himself with worry too. the longer its not reported, the more odd it looks....also it would be better if he does it first so he can get advice and start the ball rolling into (hopefully) getting this sorted out one way or another.

The police have people trained to deal with this in the most appropriate way, for BOTH parties....they will take into account others information too (such as yours, her parents etc)

good luck o/p

So me and my OH wanted to go to the police station for a chat about it. But her parents have said she doesn't want to. What now? Is it worth OH going anyway? I'm thinking I may contact a solicitor for advice.

She was refered to CAHMs 6months ago, for grief counselling. It was pushed through because of behavior problems in school and she started seeing and hearing things.

I think you should contact the police now- before CAMHS do. It will look bad if the police come to you and you knew about it but had not reported it. They will question why you did not do so. If you report it, you want it sorted out.

What an awful, awful situation.

I think you have to call the police too.

Sorry xpost.

How about involving cahms instead. It's probably in everyone's interests if this is documented somewhere. Is she still saying he did it or has she said she was mistaken?