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Original poster

WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

214 replies

MotherPie · 28/12/2015 00:41

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/12/2015 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/12/2015 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cleaty · 30/12/2015 09:06

Innocent till proven guilty really means you are saying the child is a liar until proven to be telling the truth.

Rinoachicken · 30/12/2015 09:13

Yeah that's what always gets me about that phrase too cleaty (speaking as someone who was abused by a teacher but not believed at the time, only later).

AddictedtoGreys · 30/12/2015 09:20

My gut instinct says believe the child, not believing her will do far more damage to her if she is telling the truth. What she is accusing him of is not any action that would have woken you. I also think a PP is right, let the police deal with it they will get to the bottom of it. I don't think things like this can just be decided by wether she has lied before or not.

Samantha28 · 30/12/2015 09:30

" Innocent until proven guilty " happens to be how all the UK and Irish criminal courts work , whether you like it or not .

I understand this might be upsetting when you are the victim of a crime. But if you were accused of a crime, you would think it was a good thing, I expect .

Karanka · 30/12/2015 10:14

cleaty

If you are accused of a crime, would you then prefer for the assumption of guilt to be automatic, with all the legal, social and financial implications thereof? That would get rid of the need for any of those inconvenient things like 'evidence' or 'testimony'. You could probably do without a 'trial' as well.

Maryz · 30/12/2015 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 30/12/2015 11:09

My gut instinct says believe the child, not believing her will do far more damage to her if she is telling the truth

how can she be telling the truth?

What she is accusing him of is not any action that would have woken you

she changed her story and said she the DP got into bed with her, the first thing wrong with that is she wasn't in bed as she was on sofa with the OP and OP would have known if that happened because she said she kept waking because the teen had her head on her lap. she also told OP she was sitting in the toilet for hours and obviously she wasn't.

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 11:17

But on top of that, the details do sound believable. It doesn't sound like a teen fantasy

But, shortcut, how can that be the case when she's given two very different accounts of what is supposed to have happened? The same question applies to those who say the accuser should be believed - which version of what she says should be believed?

The presumption of innocence is central to our justice system and indeed is essential to a fair system. Reversing the burden of proof in abuse cases would be incredibly dangerous.

OP, i really think you should see a lawyer specialising in child abuse cases before taking any decisions about going to the police.

ShortcutButton · 30/12/2015 12:59

Yes dip its important that our legal system maintains 'innocent until proven guilty'. Friends and family of the accuser, responsible for her safeguarding and welfare, do not need to heed that.

Its very usual for accounts of rape and sexual abuse to be confused. Of my own rape i can remember minute details about what i was wearing etc, but gaping holes in what was being done to me etc

Karanka · 30/12/2015 13:08

I think the consistency of her account is a red herring - recollections of any traumatic event (even something like a minor car crash) can be jumbled and confused.

Samantha28 · 30/12/2015 13:10

The OP is the partner of the man accused and they have a child together.

If that were me, my first concern would be for MY child and My partner . It doesn't mean she doesn't care for the teenager, who is a close relative .

If I were accused of stealing money from work, I would expect my husband and children to stand by me. To give me the benefit of the doubt . I'd want the courts to see me as innocent until proven guilty . Wouldn't you feel the same ?

Or would you expect your husband to throw you out of your house and stop all access to joint funds , in case you stole them ?

Samantha28 · 30/12/2015 13:17

I am not saying that this shouldn't be reported BTW. I am simply responding to the posters who say

The police will sort it out quickly and easily and declare him innocent if he is

If he's innocent he has nothing to fear, there will be no consequences

She must be telling the truth because I was

And those who have implied that the welfare of the OP and her child don't matter .

I'd also like to point out that the consequences for the teenager could be very serious. If she is removed from her family , she will almost certainly go into a residential unit . This is unlikely to be a positive experience for her - anything She doesn't yet know about sex, drugs, violence and abuse, she will soon learn in a unit .

abbsismyhero · 30/12/2015 13:21

stealing and abuse are really not comparable

SS will expect you to safeguard your child which will include stopping access till a risk assessment is done and a background check minimally they then might be given supervised access op might be able to supervise it herself as it is not her child that is involved or another family member

the police might still drop the case if it does not meet the threshold for court you will then be in limbo you may just be given advice by ss and allowed to move on if however you have been complicit in covering up a serious allegation they will take it to conference and wish safeguards to be put in place to protect your child

up to you im talking from experience recent experience

abbsismyhero · 30/12/2015 13:25

The police will sort it out quickly and easily and declare him innocent if he is

people please stop saying this its such bullshit unless there is incontrovertible evidence and even if there is a serious belief he is innocent they are only ever told there is not enough evidence to proceed never declared innocent

Samantha28 · 30/12/2015 13:31

I'm sorry if this was unclear through lack of punctuation (I'm on my phone ).

"I am not saying that this shouldn't be reported BTW. I am simply responding to the posters who say

  • The police will sort it out quickly and easily and declare him innocent if he is
  • If he's innocent he has nothing to fear, there will be no consequences
  • She must be telling the truth because I was

And those who have implied that the welfare of the OP and her child don't matter"

So I agree with you abbs.

Maryz · 30/12/2015 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbsismyhero · 30/12/2015 14:01
Smile
abbsismyhero · 30/12/2015 14:06

so looking long term if nothing really comes of the allegation op's son won't lose his dad he (like mine) will still be allowed contact with his dad supervised at first then unsupervised that's worst case really even if he is guilty you're still allowed to see your kids its very rare for kids to be stopped contact with their parent full stop usually if he is convicted of a crime against a girl and he has sons he can still see them if its a girl they are a little more careful but it seems to be area dependant so i can only tell you the norm for my area 100 miles away different set of social workers different scenario there is no hard and fast rule

JessicaRuby · 30/12/2015 14:22

Some posters are very naive to assume that ALL accusations of sexual abuse are true Hmm

OP how are things now?

ShortcutButton · 30/12/2015 14:24

jess yes, that would be naive. However, no one on these thread has suggested that

JessicaRuby · 30/12/2015 14:28

Shortcut, someone did say that on the last page Confused

abbsismyhero · 30/12/2015 15:38

the police take that view childrens services take that view they all believe the child is telling the truth "kids dont lie about that"

JessicaRuby · 30/12/2015 15:51

Yes, but their job as professionals is to find out if there is a basis to the accusations and go from there. Bit silly to say you would always believe the accused is guilty without taking into account the circumstances of the situation. As Maryz said in this specific situation it could end up doing more harm than good.