WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

[MotherPie]

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

You don't think that's an odd thing for a 13 year old to say to others cleaty?? Really???

Given that her story is changing and escalating as time goes on and you know she was on the couch with her head on you so therefore neither in a bed nor up all night probably means in this instance nothing happened. However given her extreme reaction to 2 male family members could mean something has happened to her at another point and these over reactions and stories could be her trying to process it. Involve the police and explain your doubts it could lead them to uncover what's really going on with her.

A false allegation does ruin lives. A relative of mine was falsely accused by a step child in their mid teens because she wanted rid afer bring told she wasn't allowed to a party. She had previously had extreme reactions to being told no. She destroyed the house and beat up and nearly hospitalised her pregnant mother on more than one occasion. The police investigated at his insistence and she confessed she'd made it up after a chat with some friends. Social services took no chances and he wasn't allowed back in the family home for 18 months while they did their own investigation. It was found she had mental health issues and was offered piss poor counselling. When he was cleared he moved home but the relationship had suffered irreparable damage and they split. All because a 14 year old didn't like being told they couldn't go somewhere. The girl now in her 20s had to be removed from the family home a couple of years later as she became a danger to her younger siblings. So there were mental health issues with her that authorities ignored until she cited non existent abuse.
She is crying out for help with her fantasies so the level of care she currently receives has not yet got to the root of her problems and she is struggling more.

Agree with mind reader. She needs some kind of help, this behaviour is unusual for her age and is a cry for help.
The police don't need to "get to the bottom of it" it's just that going through the process of police interviews etc sometimes leads to an admission of guilt (perpertrator or lying victim) and I would think it could trigger a CP meeting with camhs and school involved so all agencies are working together.

Hmm it could possibly be your teen family member has been or is being sexually groomed or it could be she is attention seeking for some other reason. Honestly if your ds had told you he had been inappropriately touched what would you do?

I know for me I would believe my child first and then access the appropriate help to get answers...

It would be different of it were my child. This is a problem child that has issues, some things don't add up. It's hard. I cant believe she found out about a near on identical situation I had, now it's happening. I will be loving and supportive of her, as either way she is clearly a very troubled girl.

My anxiety is through the roof thinking of what is to come. I know it must be sorted but all the probing and being investigating is going to be a hard and lengthy process.

Could she have found out about your experience or could it be it is actually happening to her too.

Obviously you're clouded because its your oh that is being accused, however if any child came to me and said they had been assaulted I would react the same regardless of previous lies or fabrication of stories. You say it would be different if it were your own child but this girl is a child herself and needs the adults in her life to help.. And what exactly is a problem child? Most likely her problems are caused by the adults in her life

I'd say a frank discussion with her parents is the first thing needed. Don't be afraid to tell them you have doubts about her story given her past. I would. Tell them that something has to be done to resolve this situation. If she's under CAMHS, is she seeing a counselor or specialist that might be able to talk to or question her about this 'incident'?

I'd also consider speaking to a solicitor. It's unfair to your partner to have these types of allegations hanging over his head. Perhaps a solicitor might know how to proceed.

There's nothing wrong with believing your partner over her at this point. You know him, you know his history. You know whether or not you believe he might do this. Given your scenario, I'd believe my DH 100% until I was shown convincing evidence otherwise.

We know a 12 year old who claimed multiple rape against family member. Lots of detail, and Police called in immediately. Turned out to have been completely fabricated (contradictory medical evidence followed by confession).

SS were still all over the family and have remained so, because the making of such damaging accusations in itself indicated very dysfunctional situation. Accusation itself did indeed blow a hole in family that couldn't be bridged (no smoke without fire beliefs in some corners, and the accused ultimately unable to properly forgive the girl and move on), but what's done is done and any other course of action than that followed by family in getting straight onto the police would have been unthinkable. In your case, as in the one i know about, the bomb has already gone off and the damage is done. Pretending it hasn't isnt really feasible.

In light of what I've seen myself, and from what you've said, i think OH should himself call police and report. Child needs additional help one way or the other. I feel very sorry for you indeed, especially if this is your sister or similar, because you can't avoid the fallout if it is true OR if it is false, which makes you one of the two victims in this.

If you don't report and she goes on to make a more severe claim in future that involves the police she may well mention to them these two previous 'incidents'. It will get very ugly when poice start asking why they/CAHMS/SS were not consulted previously.

yes I am treating it how I would any child, including my own. Found this out earlier and have been processing it for a few hours. I will call the police in the morning, no point at this time when all involved are a sleep.

I have spoke to her parents. They are dubious as she changed the story and told different version's. (told her dad it was in bed, mum sofa, etc). They are willing to wait for her to talk to therapist (next week), it is more me that wants to er on the side of caution and do things the proper way.

And LucyBaps, it is not caused by the adults in her life. She is grieving for a relative and her problems have escalated since. Hence being involved with CAHMs as she has been depressed/hearing and seeing things, etc. Poor girl.

From her comments and attitude to/discomfort with sexuality, does sounds a enough of a likelihood that she is being groomed/abused to warrant it being properly investigated.

The person doing the grooming/abusing could be inside or outside the family (accusations against family could be "safer" for her).

Abusers do target vulnerable people e.g. troubled teens and those with MH issues precisely because they are less credible, less likely to be believed.

So I think you have to proceed on the basis that something is wrong somewhere, support her, get her help.

I wouldn't get too caught up in details like who the accused is, or whether you felt her head on your legs. As you were asleep your time lines could be fuzzy, and no, I don't think you would have necessarily woken up if someone other than your relative was close. I just mean those things aren't strong enough to make a decision either way, they aren't proof or disproof. Look at the big picture and get her some help.

IAmNotAMindReader I agree.

Sorry, cross posted

Good luck.

Theblessedcheesemaker - you have hit the nail on the head in many ways. It will hang over us all for a long time.

Just to clarify, her parents aren't awful people labelling her a lair. Because the stories they were told weren't the same they want to sleep on it and talk to her again first.

'err, why would you bother with him when you have your fingers'. That to me, is very odd coming from a young teen....

I would be telling my dh that I have to believe the teen until all this is sorted. Yes, he will be angry, but any man in this day & age should know the importance of getting to the bottom of an allegation like this.

As others said, the police will have specialized offices who will be able to get to the bottom of this.

It is actually not recommended for anyone other then professionals to keep questioning a child who has made such an allegation. That is because questions from those who are experienced can be leading m& cause the child to change details.

Police op.

That is because questions from those who are unexperienced can be leading & cause the child to change details.

I have said exactly that^ to him. Like I said in my OP, doubting him is less damaging than doubting her at this point. He has said fine to call the police but that things will never be the same same now I have doubted him.

I can't think where she could be getting groomed. She lives with her mum, never sleeps out even at her dad's (has slept at mine and her nans, and that's it, ever). Never slept at friends. Never even goes to friends houses.Her mum is housebound so never leaves her alone. My OH has not been alone with her since he last babysat at least a year ago, and her other siblings were there?

Sorry for rambling so much. Something is going on with her, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it.x

I know differentnameforthis. She told her mum, then phoned her dad. Ao just recounted it twice. I will do the right thing. Thankyou all for the advice.

Could be someone at school, or in a position of trust?

A very prominent local minister (who was chaplain at my secondary school and some local primaries) was grooming teens at choir practice/in church/at youth groups/in school in my home town, passing them on to a local paedophile ring (including teachers, lecturers etc).

Didn't come out til one of the victims refused to let him perform her wedding service years years after she had been abused, although it was still going on with younger children.

Doesn't have to be at night either I suppose.

Well done for doing the right thing OP.

If she's a young teenage girl, known to be vulnerable and under CAHMS, makes inappropriate sexual comments for her age, has made allegations before and is supposedly a "liar", why has your unrelated male partner babysat her alone all this time?

Something doesn't add up.

I said in a previous comment he has not babysat her for a year, and her siblings were there. And that her problems started a few months ago when she lost a family member. He hasn't babysat her since, because he hasn't been needed to. What I did say is he has babysat her and other children on my family in the past with no issues.

Why would men be banned from babysitting her because her uncle told her she was pretty and she's grieving
Thanks for sounding so suspicious and judgemental though.

If OP goes to the police, would the fact that he has been investigated come up on a DBS check?

She could be getting groomed and abused on line. With skype/facetime etc she could be being persuaded to expose herself, it may also explain why she made the "fingers" comment. There is certainly something going on here.

It needs reporting. It's as simple as that.

She may be telling the truth and so needs reporting.

She may be suffering abuse elsewhere and it needs reporting.

Her mental health issues may be worse than everyone thinks and she needs support so it needs reporting.

If she is making this up there is a reason and it needs tackling. What if she does it to a teacher? And you all have let this slide? Imagine how traumatic that would be for her? Obviously it would be awful for the teacher.

But the effect in a young girl with mental health problems, being dragged through the courts would be horrendous.

What if she is telling the truth? You need to know.

Whatever the situation is, she needs help and support.

Although to be honest if it comes out she is lying, I think you will need to reduce contact to protect your dp. I am not sure you can be the one to support her. You can show support but you can't have her in the house etc.

Thanks for sounding so suspicious and judgemental though. OP, don't listen to the judgements. This is hard enough without people passing those kinds of comments.