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Original poster

WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

214 replies

MotherPie · 28/12/2015 00:41

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 29/12/2015 09:11

I only hope that the posters spouting such terrible advice on this thread - to basically do nothing - have never been a victim or had a relative be a victim of sexual assault. Doing nothing helps one person only. The abuser.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/12/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 29/12/2015 09:52

sounds more like some kind of plea for help from teenager. I don't believe your DH done anything to her given her lack of consistency in her story and the fact you didn't feel her move. with no consistency or evidence she wont be believed by police either however it will cause a shadow of doubt on your DH which doesn't seem to be warranted. be prepared for it to rip your family to pieces.

crumblybiscuits · 29/12/2015 09:55

going I was stunned by the fact that everyone has all but condemned the girl to being a liar, empathising with the partner when for all OP or anyone knows he very well could be grooming her. No wonder children don't often speak out about sexual abuse. If I was that girl (and I have been before) and everyone implied that I was lying, I would backtrack, stumble over my words and try to go back to the norm as well. I would be 100% behind the girl if it was my own DP accused.

We3KingyOfOblomovAre · 29/12/2015 10:14

What a terrible situation.
If the girl is telling the truth, she needs to be believed.
And if the dp is innocent, then the damage will be irreparable.
How can this turn out well?

cleaty · 29/12/2015 10:18

Yes when children are doubted they do backtrack and change their story. The harsh truth is this what most children face who disclose abuse. There are always adults who do not believe them, especially those adults who love the adult accused of sexual abuse.

dollywolly140 · 29/12/2015 10:25

If you change your story,then both versions CANNOT be correct, so you are by definition lying

Finallyonboard · 29/12/2015 10:28

I would contact the Police for advice. They will know if he's ever been accused of anything similar previously.

cleaty · 29/12/2015 10:35

The details may not be true, it doesn't mean though that the child is lying when she says this man sexually abused me.

ShortcutButton · 29/12/2015 10:51

I am totally stunned that the majority of responses are of disbelief

My initial stance would be to believe the girl

But on top of that, the details do sound believable. It doesn't sound like a teen fantasy

cleaty · 29/12/2015 11:02

The harsh truth is many adults do not believe children when they disclose sexual abuse. This thread is simply an example of that.

I have young adult friends who have relatives who still don't believe the sexual abuse they disclosed as children. Because everyone wants to believe that it is monsters who sexually abuse children, instead of men who you like, who seem like good guys, and that you may love.

peggyundercrackers · 29/12/2015 11:04

but cleaty OP doesn't make it clear if anyone doubted her - she told her mum one thing but told her dad something completely different - none of that tells me she was doubted.

OP also says she woke several times because the girl was sleeping on her - the OPs DP was in his bedroom and not on the sofa - if he was on the sofa I think OP would have felt him as it would be pretty impossible for 3 adults to be on a sofa together without 1 one them noticing.

absolutely none of it rings true.

BathshebaDarkstone · 29/12/2015 11:05

Listen to the accuser. My stepdad abused me and my mum refused to talk about it when I told her, then he abused my DD.

ShortcutButton · 29/12/2015 11:10

dolly its common to not remember details well

ShortcutButton · 29/12/2015 11:11

And anger as a response is highly suspect

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/12/2015 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/12/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winterqueen · 29/12/2015 11:57

Had a similar situation in extended family. The girl did have mental health problems and now in her 30's has a personality disorder and has made many false accusations over the years about all sorts of things.
In her case she claimed her adopted father had raped her, police were instantly involved and investigated she had lied! All ok now! (The reason they adopted rather than naturally had children was due to an unfortunate accident the girl did not know about, but he was incapable of rape and her description and the reality of the anatomy was very different 😂). Probably rare that a case can be that simple but I advice you strongly to get the police in. they deal with this sort of thing a lot and if it is a mental health problem CAMS can be kept in the loop and if abuse did take place it's best to deal with it as you know. Get the professionals in so no accusations of her being ignored can ever be made and doubt is removed. Also lots of people back down in presence of police if lying!

CFSsucks · 29/12/2015 12:24

At first I thought this was very much like my own situation, except it was more than hand kissing etc. I wasn't believed by the man's partner (who was my ex step mum but I still had a good relationship with her), he gave a load of cock and bull and she chose to believe him because I clammed up and refused to talk. But I wasn't a liar or a fantasist and didn't go around making stuff up. I also had a couple of previous incidents that were true and I was believed but this one I wasn't. It has been hugely damaging and has affected my life in a big way. I feel quite resentful about the impact it's had but I still can't talk about it in RL.

However, what this girl is saying doesn't add up and I wouldn't automatically believe her but I also wouldn't discount it. The fact that she is coming out with an identical experience to yours just after she had found out would make me question her if I'm honest. I can't comment on your DP as my abuser was very convincing (I know I am believed now and have had a brief drunken conversation with my ex step mum and she told me he was very convincing at the time) but I wouldn't be happy that he is angry and saying it will never be the same for him as you didn't immediately side with him, I'd be quite angry at that tbh. It sounds like emotional blackmail.

It's such a tough situation so I do feel for you. I honestly think your DP has probably not done anything wrong but there is something going on with the sorts of things she is coming out with. I'd say it's not normal at all. But then one of my cousins is a compulsive liar and can stand and lie very convincingly about anything but she is almost always talking bullshit, she was the same at a young age too so some children are like this and are attention seeking.

You can always asked for this to moved to a certain place that is less prominent on here?

Samantha28 · 29/12/2015 12:26

The police will not say that she lied , if that is indeed the case in this situation . They will merely say they are not taking things further . As will SS.

And I don't think the OPs partner is being manipulative when he says that this will change all their lives. He is being totally factual .

Regardless of whether or not he is innocent or guilty , this will probably destroy their relationship / marriage, and severely damage their own child . Depending on what his job is, he may lose that too .

Posters saying " oh just contact the police and they will sort it out and if he's innocent he's got nothing to fear " have got no idea what they are talking about .

We3KingyOfOblomovAre · 29/12/2015 13:39

Agree with Samantha.
'Nothing to fear' ? Dream on. The reality is more of a nightmare than you can possibly imagine.

LoTeQuiero · 29/12/2015 14:06

I could be alone in this but I don't think she's telling the truth and involving police and social services is probably not the best idea.

I was sexually assaulted (as an adult) by a very close friend on three different occasions. It took it escalating to the third time before I could confront what had happened and even then I couldn't speak about it for days. I certainly wasn't ringing around telling people. A friends daughter was badly sexually abused by her step father and again, it took years for her to come forward. I don't think that would have happened and then the girl immediately rings her father to tell him, I just don't.

She sounds very disturbed and an attention seeker and like she needs careful handling and counselling. I agree that her changing her story is suspicious and her overtly sexual comment is very, very strange, as is the fact that she's copied OPs story.

OP - if you trust your partner then stick with that for the moment. I suspect you would know in your gut if he was capable of/responsible for this.

amarmai · 29/12/2015 14:12

we teach our small cc that they can say no to hugs and kisses from granny etc , so there is a break in logic that an uncle can hold a teenagers body close to his and tell her she is pretty - in the presence of mother may seem to make it ok to the mother , but not to the teenager who did not want this. She has mh problems makes her all the more vulnerable to assaults. She needs to be validated and her perceptions taken seriously and police need to be involved.Op, you sound like you intend to do the right thing for this young girl - please follow thru.

Moonriver1 · 29/12/2015 14:35

Agree with everyone else that this is a dreadful situation and you have my utmost sympathy OP.

I just want to say re the 13 year old girl's 'finger' comments - this is not a normal thing to say!

I have had three teenagers of that age myself and have known countless numbers of their friends. I don't live in an Enid Blyton novel and my kids have been known to hurl around the F bomb etc at that age, but never have I heard such a sexual comment, especially not said in front of adults!

Samantha28 · 29/12/2015 16:44

I agree that the girls language and behaviour are overtly sexual and not age appropriate and that there are unusual features about her story .

This may be related to her MH problems.

This may or may not mean that she is being abused or groomed by someone.

That person may or may not be the person she has accused .

It may mean she is sexually active with someone of her own age . She may be accessing pornography online .

I know this is an unpaletable fact but sometimes people tell lies about being sexually assaulted. Usually abusers lie about assaulting their victims .

It's very unlikely that anyone is going to post here and say " oh I made up stories like this when I was a teen, I accused my teacher and he lost his job /married / kids / killed himself but I was very mixed up " .

People who have been falsely accused of sexual abuse are also not going to post here ,because they have learned to never tell anyone , because " there is no smoke without fire " .

Equally Its unlikely that abusers will post here and tell about when they abused kids .

So the only people we are going to hear from is all the women who were abused and it wasn't taken seriously . Which is completely wrong and a tragedy which can scar their whole lives. I believe every one of you . It should not have happened and it was not your fault .

But it doesn't take away from the fact that false allegations destroy people's lives .