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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

214 replies

MotherPie · 28/12/2015 00:41

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

OP posts:
dolly2016 · 28/12/2015 11:58

From what you have said I would be 90% sure she is lying but you need to go to the police.1) because it is a very serious allegation and 2) because your OH needs to have his name cleared if he is innocent.
They will soon trip her up if she is lying

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 28/12/2015 12:03

Believe her. At least for now. Contact the police and be as gentle as you can with her.

TiredButFineODFOJ · 28/12/2015 12:03

I really think OH should go to police - waiting until CAHMS next meet with the teen does not reflect well on anyone, it's basically saying that no one believes the teen, it wasn't important, she's mentally unwell.
Actions have consequences - either the teen or your OH need to understand that so police involvement is necessary.

chinam · 28/12/2015 12:04

What sort of parent wouldn't involve the police if their daughter had made an allegation of abuse?

Original poster
MotherPie · 28/12/2015 12:14

Well, she doesn't want to and they wont push her. I'm going to go myself.

OP posts:
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 12:23

Regarding the fingers comment. It is not something my 13 year olds would have said but both are immature for their ages and one has SN. Some of their friends same age are wayy more sexually interested and i can imagine this being said by them. So that comment alone wouldn't worry me.

Damselindestress · 28/12/2015 12:24

Her account sounds inconsistent but it's important to involve the proper authorities so that her allegation can be investigated and no one can be accused of covering it up. This could potentially clear your partner.

It's hard to know what to think in this situation because a troubled child with a history of lying might be making it up but on the other hand abusers sometimes target children like that, knowing that they won't be believed. Sometimes children who make false allegations are in fact being abused, just not by the person they accused. They want to tell someone what has happened to them but are too afraid to name the real abuser. Or they are traumatised by past abuse so mistake normal affection for advances. She needs help.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 28/12/2015 12:37

What lulu said.

It will look as though you/the family were covering up.

GoblinLittleOwl · 28/12/2015 13:01

Your OH must contact a solicitor and ask for advice; he is also registering the accusation so there can be no later accusation of a cover-up.

Can the family contact the teenager's therapist, who is working with her and there for support?
She is clearly troubled, and a danger to herself and to others at present.

Please, take legal advice before you do anything.

Original poster
MotherPie · 28/12/2015 13:09

Yes that's what were going to do. All the proper channels. If the thread vanishes later it's because I have family on here, not because I've decided to forget and do nothing.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 28/12/2015 13:11

OP not all teenagers that make false accusations have been groomed or sexually abused.I know that for a fact,I went to school with a girl that did exactly that and as an adult I've worked with teens that have done the same and it went as far as the courts before the truth was found out.

I agree that no one that is involved with the child unless it's the person she's seeing at Camhs should ask her any more questions.

I do think though it would be a good idea for her parents to get an emergency appointment today if they can for they're daughter to go to Camhs right away.

There's a hell of alot of presumptions being made about the Police on here,of course they will investigate straight away,but they are all only human all they have to go on is what your young family member has said verses what your partner has said.

My DH is a Police Officer and I was reading this thread to him last night and he was very concerned about how some posters had made it sound like the Police Officers that were involved within the case would be able to say without doubt what had happened.For that to happen there has to be some kind of physical evidence and or a witness to back up either of the accounts.

I'm not saying any of this lightly(before anyone jumps down my throat)I was actually raped and more than once from a much younger age than your relative,but I have also seen the damage that's been caused when someone is falsely accused.

Wobblystraddle · 28/12/2015 13:25

If an allegation of a crime had been made against me and I knew I was innocent, I would be mightily pissed off if the accuser said they don't want the police involved. Yes, it is an awful situation, one in which the absolute truth may never come to light, and I really feel for you. But if she accused him, she can't now ignored this fact and expect everything to go back to normal, unfortunately.

GabiSolis · 28/12/2015 13:38

I think you're doing the right thing OP. If your OH did nothing he needs to cover his own backside on this. Going to the police is the best plan just in case this girl decides to do it herself.

FWIW, it sounds like she is incredibly troubled and in need of some intense support. As difficult as it will be if she is proved to be lying, as much as they can your family need to support her. I would wager it is a good idea that NO non-parental family member, male or female, is left alone with her for the time being though.

dolly2016 · 28/12/2015 13:38

My DH is a Police Officer and I was reading this thread to him last night and he was very concerned about how some posters had made it sound like the Police Officers that were involved within the case would be able to say without doubt what had happened.For that to happen there has to be some kind of physical evidence and or a witness to back up either of the accounts.

if the child keeps changing the details of her story,that really undermines her credibility.

cleaty · 28/12/2015 13:43

It depends how the child is being asked. And abusers commonly choose children to abuse who won't be believed.

ohtheholidays · 28/12/2015 14:34

That's exactly it Dolly,it can be very hard for a crime or innocence to be proved ordinarily without the "victim" changing what they say happened and where.

StuffandBother · 28/12/2015 16:29

Have you been to the police yet OP? What a fucking shit end to Christmas for you :(

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2015 16:55

I'm not sure what I'd do - the fact that the story changes gets all the time makes me query it, but as you say if you don't investigate you will never know and it will be eating away forever.

EponasWildDaughter · 28/12/2015 16:56

Lots of good advice here already, good luck OP.

I must say, if someone accused me of sexual abuse i'd be straight down to the police station myself. Like a bloody rocket!

Goingtobeawesome · 28/12/2015 17:00

It's really bad, and stupid, advice to ask the girl again what happened. That's not anyone's job but the police. It means nothing that she has aid something slightly different.

Northernparent68 · 28/12/2015 23:07

If ypu go to the police the investigation could take months, maybe a year and social services will be involved.

Social services will almost certainly stop your partner having unsupervised access to your son while the investigation proceeds.

It is also important to know the police won't declare your partner innocent and clear his name. The best outcome will be the police or cps saying they will take no further action, which is not the same thing.

dolly2016 · 28/12/2015 23:55

If the police will not proceed to charge your DH I would regard it as there being insufficient evidence and there was a big question mark over the 'victim's' truthfulness.
That might not be correct , but as the ' woman in the street' that would be my personal interpretation.

abbsismyhero · 29/12/2015 00:20

ive been where you are and its not pretty the police can not say for sure if he is guilty or not unless it goes to court when social services get involved the worst thing you can do is defend your partner i did and nearly lost my kids because of it even now the accuser has claimed she made it up (ok massive backstory but its too long and personal so im glossing over) it made no difference to them they said children never lie about this sort of thing and i was putting my children at risk by standing by the truth (she claimed something happened in our house when he was 20 miles away from her with me in labour under the watchful eyes of shit loads of hospital staff and she was in another house under the care of two adults) this was me being in denial apparently

after twelve months i got a phone call suddenly stating they were dropping it totally no more child protection nothing BUT i cannot have anything to do with my ex husband on a personal level ever again (now it just happens i wanted out of the marriage due to EA anyway so that is fine) he is now allowed unsupervised access to our children he has not been risk assessed (he was supposed to be before they allowed him unsupervised access) and im now told i have to make all child care arrangements with him and sort out contact with him after 18 months of being told to have nothing to do with him and no way should i try and be amicable with him etc etc they have done a total 360 on everything and the cynical part of me is wondering are they doing this to see if i will get back with him and they can take my kids apparently everyone agreed they can be taken off the plan which is strange as the school were adamant they would not agree to this until a substantial time had passed im going to spend the rest of my life on edge because of this

i hope things go better for you

AyeAmarok · 29/12/2015 00:55

I think this is maybe a troubled teen making a cry for help.

Very difficult, because yes vulnerable teens are both a bigger target, and more likely to fib/exaggerate.

Poor you OP.

cleaty · 29/12/2015 01:09

Everyone thinks when a child talks about being sexually abused that they will be believed. We know from adults who talk about being sexually abused as children that time and time again the reality is that they are disbelieved. Most don't want to believe that a man they know, like and maybe love, could do that. So they look for reasons to label the child a liar, or to say they are mistaken.

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