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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not punish DD for hitting her dad?

189 replies

livvielunch · 24/12/2015 23:00

DD is 4 and undergoing assessment for autism. She has a multitude of sensory processing issues and hates physical contact of any sort, particularly affection. She will actually scream and cry if she thinks anyone (I.e. approaching grandparents) may try and hug her. Despite this, DP insists on trying to kiss and hug her. This morning she was playing and he said goodbye to her as he was going out. She blanked him, as is usual. He said can I have a kiss, she flinched and shook her hear violently, turned away from him and continued playing. He leaned round with his lips puckered inches from her face and she slapped him in it. He was angry and stomped off mumbling 'love you too' and later said I should've stepped in and punished DD for her aggression. I said I think he should respect her wishes not to be hounded for affection and that he deserved it, really. Aibu?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/12/2015 23:02

He should respect her wishes.
He should get to grips with her asd.

AtSea1979 · 24/12/2015 23:02

I think DP needs to respect her boundaries. Having said that DD needs to be punished for lashing out at him. Obviously a punishment suited to her needs.

Jesabel · 24/12/2015 23:04

I wouldn't punish her either. She might be a child but she still has the right not to be kissed, and the adult in the situation knew he was provoking her.

WorraLiberty · 24/12/2015 23:05

YANBU in the sense that if she doesn't like it, he shouldn't do it.

But he wasn't 'hounding' her and no-one deserves to be slapped in the face for wanting to kiss their child.

As difficult as it must be, he really does need to learn not to do it though.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 24/12/2015 23:06

No, he needs to respect her boundaries. Even taking ASD out of the equation, if someone says no, they said no.

SexNamesRFab · 24/12/2015 23:06

What good would it do? It sounds like she was very uncomfortable, scared and lashed out in a panic. He's an adult, he should know better.

I really hate it when adults don't respect children's physical boundaries.

WorraLiberty · 24/12/2015 23:07

Also I don't understand why he thinks you should have punished her when it was him that she slapped?

Or was it because he was rushing to work and didn't have time to deal with the situation?

CalleighDoodle · 24/12/2015 23:09

She said no. Clearly. He should be made to understand that his behaviour was totally unacceptable.

gamerchick · 24/12/2015 23:10

Unfortunately you can't punish for that. My asd kid crippled me for days because he punched me in the right place in the spine in a meltdown.

Your bloke has to learn about the bairn, he has to come to terms with the asd and not ignore it as he's doing.

Leelu6 · 24/12/2015 23:11

What Worra said. Why should you have 'stepped in'?!

Original poster
livvielunch · 24/12/2015 23:12

He always thinks I should step in because I'm her carer. If she ignores him, he thinks I should hassle her until she responds to him. She's learned to respond briefly to get him off her back but I think he should learn how to communicate so she wants to communicate with him, rather than insisting she communicate in his way.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/12/2015 23:13

I don't know if she should be punished or not

But obviously you'll need to explain to her that slapping people is wrong.

Otherwise she may end up slapping every friendly 4yr old who tries to hug her in the playground.

gamerchick · 24/12/2015 23:17

People learn quite quickly not to touch an asd child when they don't want it.

Her dad should learn a bit quicker.

Original poster
livvielunch · 24/12/2015 23:17

She knows it's wrong and is only ever aggressive to him. With anyone else she'll do her utmost to remove herself from the situation but he is so in her face she cannot get away so she gets annoyed and lashes out

OP posts:
abbieanders · 24/12/2015 23:18

Is your partner her father?

abbieanders · 24/12/2015 23:19

Sorry , I see he is. Christmas eve, you know.

SouthWestmom · 24/12/2015 23:22

Well I don't know. He's not wrong to want his dd to want to be affectionate; it's a really hard thing to come to terms with. What about getting him to talk to the NAS helpline or read about it or attend a course?
And depending on high functions she is, there will be levels of behaviour expected as she gets older.
Hard work op and you have my every sympathy. My dh is about three years behind my acceptance and understanding and it's hard.

wizzywig · 24/12/2015 23:23

Sorry but he deserved that slap. She said she didnt want to give him a kiss. My son (is asd) is exactly the same and will turn away or lash out if provoked.

AtSea1979 · 24/12/2015 23:25

It must be so hard for DP. It is important to respect DD boundaries but at same time challenge them so she learns to be more flexible and meet in the middle somewhere. Perhaps DP could find another way of getting a positive communication from DD. Such as high five etc.

CalleighDoodle · 24/12/2015 23:26

noeuf imagine she is an adult and this is her partner. Her partner is not wrong to want her to be affectionate towards him? She will have to understand theres an expected level of behaviour re: affetion in a relationship? Expecting her to be affectionate towards someone when she doesnt want to be? Is that really the goal?

AtSea1979 · 24/12/2015 23:27

wizzy it's concerning that your DS has ASD and will lash out but you think people deserve a slap. Does this mean your DS goes unchecked for hitting people?

CalleighDoodle · 24/12/2015 23:27

If someone kissed me after id already, clearly and more than once, said no they would get a slap too.

NickiFury · 24/12/2015 23:29

No she absolutely should NOT be punished for this. She has ASD and is only young anyway, she simply doesn't have to social skills to deal with unwanted attention diplomatically and her sensory issues will mean that the physical sensation of kisses, hugs etc are overwhelming and even painful. She's trying to defend herself from that. My Dd with ASD is similar and used to be very physically defensive of her space. To this day I am only allowed to kiss her on her hair or clothing because she can't tolerate the sensation on her skin. When she hit out I used to gently explain that she should not do this. The problem was that she was already heightened and anxious from the unwanted attention and things could quickly escalate because she knew she couldn't help it but was being what she perceived as told off or in trouble for it.

Very tough to deal with once it's started but it can be stopped before it starts by respecting her needs and just leaving her alone!

AtSea1979 · 24/12/2015 23:30

Calleigh that's because you are an adult and understand boundaries. This is a little girl and her father. No one deserves to be hit by their DC just because they try to love them in their own way.

Original poster
livvielunch · 24/12/2015 23:30

The only person she shows affection towards is her baby sibling and 'affection' from her is grinding her teeth, closing her eyes, making a strange groaning noise and rubbing her head against her. DP thinks she needs to be told to stop that and show affection 'normally' Hmm

OP posts: