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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not punish DD for hitting her dad?

189 replies

livvielunch · 24/12/2015 23:00

DD is 4 and undergoing assessment for autism. She has a multitude of sensory processing issues and hates physical contact of any sort, particularly affection. She will actually scream and cry if she thinks anyone (I.e. approaching grandparents) may try and hug her. Despite this, DP insists on trying to kiss and hug her. This morning she was playing and he said goodbye to her as he was going out. She blanked him, as is usual. He said can I have a kiss, she flinched and shook her hear violently, turned away from him and continued playing. He leaned round with his lips puckered inches from her face and she slapped him in it. He was angry and stomped off mumbling 'love you too' and later said I should've stepped in and punished DD for her aggression. I said I think he should respect her wishes not to be hounded for affection and that he deserved it, really. Aibu?

OP posts:
springsosoon · 25/12/2015 08:00

I don't think the asd comes into it.

Anyone of any age has a right not to have forced physical contact.

Believeitornot · 25/12/2015 08:08

My dd is 4, she doesn't have ASD but she does not like to be kissed by dh or anyone really. She gets quite cross if anyone tries. So we respect that - I'm also very strong on stopping physical play when someone says "stop" eh tickling or wrestling etc. This rule applies to everyone.

This may have something to do with my childhood abuse - but I consider it very rude to not listen to children or adults if they don't like something (within reason of course!)

PhilPhilConnors · 25/12/2015 08:11

Punishing would be pointless.
Making sure dp doesn't push her boundaries like this will help and work out some alternatives with her.
No-one should have physical contact or kisses unless they want them.

JacquesHammer · 25/12/2015 08:37

DD has a right not be be touched and DP should respect that.

However DD also needs to be reprimanded for slapping (and yes I appreciate she has ASD and yes I have experience of kids with ASD)

PrincessHairyMclary · 25/12/2015 08:49

If someone asked me for a kiss and I said No and then they stood with their lips puckered waiting expectedly I'd probably slap them too.

Never too early to establish no means no.

BeyondJinglebells · 25/12/2015 09:20

I'd lash out too if someone prevented me from getting away from something i found overwhelming. Your dh, for whatever reason, is acting like a selfish arsehole.

VestalVirgin · 25/12/2015 10:39

He leaned round with his lips puckered inches from her face and she slapped him in it.

Well, that's what a proper young lady does if a man kisses her against her explicit wishes.

Why punish her? I would reward her. Will keep her safe(ish) from sexual predators in the future.

ArmchairTraveller · 25/12/2015 10:54

If her father is this intolerant of her needs when she's only 4, he's going to have a hell of a journey for the next 15 years. Especially if she's on the spectrum and he's not bothering to look and listen and work out what she can and can't deal with. He needs to read up on HFA and reconsider what the role of a parent is.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 25/12/2015 11:13

Your DD did the right thing.

She is allowed to say who touches her, how and when. She is allowed to do whatever she needs to to allow her to feel safe.

Being able to set and maintain clear boundaries will help her far more in her future relationships than learning to accept that people can do whatever they wish to her.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/12/2015 11:19

She said no, her father knows she does not like being touched like that.

It drives me crazy when adults think they have a right to touch children in a way that the child does not want.

My dd's are NT and I fought ex in court over their right to their bodily autonomy.
No child of mine will ever be taught that they must allow someone to touch them if they don't want, I don't give a shit who the person is.

Your DP is horrible, I would not be punishing dd for lashing out, she has made it clear she does not like being touched like that, yet he persists.

No one has a right to touch another person if the person being touched does not want to be touched.

I would not teach my dd's to meekly accept it either.

stolemyusername · 25/12/2015 11:39

He deserved a slap - the ASD is irrelevant, she didn't want a kiss and he tried to force her, nobody (including her father) has the right to touch/kiss her when she obviously isn't comfortable with it. What an idiot Angry

Unreasonablebetty · 25/12/2015 11:55

If you were to punish her for hitting him this would set up all sorts of wrong thinking.
IE if a man is pushing for affection that she doesn't want, and keeps pushing anything other than the reaction she gave is not really good for her.

Tell him that he needs to respect her boundaries.
Poor DD. she doesn't like it. Glad you won't punish her. X

velourvoyageur · 25/12/2015 12:16

Totally deserved. She told him he shouldn't touch her, he ignored her preferences, that's the consequence.
I despise forced unwanted contact and so near the face as well - could understand that she felt anxious and had to do anything she could for him to get the message.
I can't believe he thinks that he did nothing wrong?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 25/12/2015 12:25

imagine she is an adult and this is her partner

Yes, and she is every bit as entitled to resist unwanted physical contact.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/12/2015 12:47

I do think your dp is getting a bit of a hard time here. Having a child who is unaffectionate is quite hard. It's very painful actually.
He needs help to understand her, to change his expectations of her.
But she also needs help too. To understand how other people feel and how nice it is when people are genuinely affectionate. This will help her in all her future relationships

What a heap of crap. The DH has had exactly the same amount of time and experance with the child as the op has, why does he get to decide it's so much harder for him and that means he does not have to manage his expectations

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 25/12/2015 13:14

But she also needs help too. To understand how other people feel and how nice it is when people are genuinely affectionate. This will help her in all her future relationships

She needs to understand one person's "genuinely affectionate" actions can in reality be the recipient's completely unwanted physical encroachment on the recipient's body. And only 1 of the people in that scenario is in the right. Can you guess which one ?

schokolade · 25/12/2015 13:26

I wouldn't even punish an NT child for this: they said no, other person ignored and tried to do what they wanted anyway, child stopped them. Punishing them would give the message that they should have let "attacker" continue because their feelings don't count/are incorrect. I don't bloody think so.

AyeAmarok · 25/12/2015 13:27

Poor you and poor DD.

Your DP needs to educate himself pronto, both on ASD and respecting the boundaries women are allowed to enforce over their own bodies. He won't see it this way, but the previous posters are right.

Janeymoo50 · 25/12/2015 13:31

Punish no, be taught to understand hitting people in the face is not acceptable, yes. That said, I do feel for the wee mite and your partner too.

schokolade · 25/12/2015 13:32

Perhaps ask your DP what message he'd like to give your DD about how to act when it's her 17 year old boyfriend who "just wants a bit of affection". Bet he's less keen on teaching her that her feelings don't matter...

Enkopkaffetak · 25/12/2015 13:38

She slapped him. Obviously she needs to be taught that is not ok. So yes I would punish. However I would expect him to do so as it happened after it is notgoing to help. So he has to parent his daughter. He has to learn that she is likely to not like so but nor do I think he should be forced to want to give her hugs and kisses. Just learn if she says no then back off.

ohtheholidays · 25/12/2015 13:53

OP what your partner is doing to your poor little girl is really awful and he needs to stop it now and you need to make sure that he does stop now!

We have 5DC,2 of our DC are autistic,DS14 doesn't like physical contact and honestly if someone did that to him I'd be the one bloody belting them!

I worked with children for years on different ends of the spectrum and honestly if we'd have seen a parent purposely doing something to they're child that they knew would cause that kind of reaction we'd have had to report them.

Your partner might not realize it but what he's doing would be seen as a form of emotional and mental abuse because of your daughters autism and the reaction his behavior towards your DD is causing.

You shouldn't have to remind him that although still very little your daughter is a human being in her own right and therefore she deserves just as much respect from him as anyone else would!

There are parenting courses available now OP especially for parents of children that are on the ASD spectrum and they are really good and they're usually free as well.If your OH would go he could find that it could really help his relationship with your DD.

Arfarfanarf · 25/12/2015 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury · 25/12/2015 14:21

I'm staggered that people are still saying punish. She has expressly stated unequivocally and repeatedly that she does not wish to be kissed or touched but he continually ignores her. What is left for her to do except just submit to his wishes?

stealtheatingtunnocks · 25/12/2015 14:38

Honestly, is there a chance that DP might be a bit spectrummy? Such inability to see a child's POV sounds vaguely familiar to me

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