to not punish DD for hitting her dad?

[livvielunch]

DD is 4 and undergoing assessment for autism. She has a multitude of sensory processing issues and hates physical contact of any sort, particularly affection. She will actually scream and cry if she thinks anyone (I.e. approaching grandparents) may try and hug her. Despite this, DP insists on trying to kiss and hug her. This morning she was playing and he said goodbye to her as he was going out. She blanked him, as is usual. He said can I have a kiss, she flinched and shook her hear violently, turned away from him and continued playing. He leaned round with his lips puckered inches from her face and she slapped him in it. He was angry and stomped off mumbling 'love you too' and later said I should've stepped in and punished DD for her aggression. I said I think he should respect her wishes not to be hounded for affection and that he deserved it, really. Aibu?

Sadly I see another Daddy disappearing into the sunset if it all gets too difficult.

I'm really hoping he is not your DD's actual dad so you can kick the twat and his idiot family out of your poor dd's life.

It is emotional abuse. It is knowingly doing something your DD is unhappy with and then calling her names when she doesn't join in.

Everyone has the potential to resort to violence given the right provocation.

Thankfully most people never experience the right provocation and have the language and emotional skills to find an alternative option. Your DD has tried, bless her heart she really has, but she has run out of solution.

We had to teach DD that she had no right to invade DS' space just because she wanted her hug. She approached DS with a big Makaton sign with a kiss symbol on. If he said or signed no she blew him a kiss and went on her way. Point was DS knew nothing would happen if he said no. Eventually he blew kisses back and said yes. Point is he would never have said yes had he not felt safe enough to do so.

She was 5 when we had to do this. Your DP is an adult. If he doesn't understand that you have to make a child especially a child with ASD , feel safe before they express emotion (which they will do in their own way) he really is a shit.

If she ignores him, he thinks I should hassle her until she responds to him.

Sigh - it just doesn’t work like that but it must be very hard to get that through to him. And that he can learn to be “her carer” as much as you are! He needs to spend the time to learn how to communicate with her just as much as she needs to learn to communicate with him and with the rest of us. It will take her a long time and it doesn't mean that she doesn't love him. Maybe you and he could gradually work on a "wave bye-bye to Daddy" routine for her, she probably doesn't know what to do when he says goodbye.

And perhaps you could ask him to imagine if she had a painful skin rash or a burn - he wouldn’t want to kiss her where her skin was all sore and irritated, would he? Because an ordinary kiss might feel a bit like that to her now. He would try to find some other way to show how much he loved her, some way that wouldn’t hurt her and that would feel comforting to her instead.

Your DP is in the wrong here. I take it he doesn't "believe in" her autism either, as he keeps ignoring her wants and trying to force her into a "normal" model. He may not say he doesn't believe but it seems clear that he is not accepting it.

Perhaps there is some form of training he could attend to help him understand his DD's needs more clearly? I don't know if there is, but it would be worth investigating before there is a huge wedge between them because of his lack of understanding of her needs, and her fear of him touching her.

I think it's an awful imposition to try and force physical affection on someone who doesn't want it, ASD or no.

I do agree that your DD needs to learn NOT to hit in response, but your DP seems to have form for pushing into her space, so I don't think your DD will respond in the same way to other children randomly and accidentally touching her, it's not the same thing. She's already learnt that your DP ignores her choices, ignores her saying "No" and keeps going into her space; so she's using a more forceful way of saying "No" that definitely stops him!

I don't think she should be punished, no. I think your DP seriously needs to re-think his attitude to your DD and stop trying to force her to do something that probably causes her physical pain. :(

I think you have two issues here:

1. Your DD using violence to express her displeasure. But lets bear in mind that even with ASD she is 4, not 14, so this isn't a biggie and can be dealt with in whatever way the OP would normally deal with it.
2. Your DP's complete inability to respect your DD's boundaries. I'd say this is by the far the more significant issue.

What's your DP like otherwise OP? Is he generally dismissive of other people's boundaries if they don't conform to his own expectations of what is reasonable? Has he made any effort to educate himself about autism and parenting a child with autism?

Find a behavioural therapist. They can set programes in place to change your daughter's behaviour. Worth their weight in gold. Good luck.

Good luck when she starts slapping other kids at school. You need to set boundaries and fast.

Kids at school will be taught/expected not to force kisses on her when she's said no, so it won't be an issue.

I got a smack from a child win ASD last week. They looked so cute that I tousled his hair. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I KNOW better. The mum told the child off, I went over and explained that it was all my fault and the poor lad was just angry at unwanted physical contact as wel he should be.

If DS hit I would always reprimand him for it, gently, and show him a better way to respond, but it sounds like your daughter tried all the better responses first

Kids at school will be taught/expected not to force kisses on her when she's said no, so it won't be an issue.

And if they try, I would totally want her to slap them.

Honestly, those who say she should be taught not to slap people who force kisses on her - do you want to set her up for being raped? Do you train your own daughters to submit to unwanted kisses?

If DS hit I would always reprimand him for it, gently, and show him a better way to respond, but it sounds like your daughter tried all the better responses first

Exactly. She tried. She was in a situation where hitting was the only reasonable reaction left.

I don't even think her autism has anything to do with it. Except maybe that a child without autism would submit because she'd fear consequences if she didn't. Which is very sad.

She possibly finds a face so close to her very distressing and hits out to make it go away.

That would be intensely over stimulating to someone with autism.

A child in my Dds class hit her in face as she cried and the noise was intolerable ..I didn't blame the child.

He needs to educate himself and so do some posters on the thread

'Good luck when she starts slapping other children'. Really? Is that the most understanding you can possibly be about autism? I despair.

I thought most people knew even eye contact was over stimulating for many with ASD. Obviously not.

Kids at school will be taught/expected not to force kisses on her when she's said no, so it won't be an issue.

A little boy at nursery or primary who behaved in the way her father did would be told his behaviour was wrong. It might be noted and teachers might keep an eye on him to see if there was a repeat.

A boy at secondary school behaving in this manner may well face serious disciplinary measures.

You have to remember also, that at that age, they literally think they're fighting for their lives, they don't understand that people aren't actually trying to hurt them, because it does hurt them. To her, she's being threatened, then cornered and assaulted.

This goes in time for most, they learn, through a lot of work from parents (and not just a good telling off, by work I mean social stories, practice, social skills modelling, not punishment) but she's 4 years old, 4 years old living in a world that she finds confusion and scary and painful

ASD aside, your daughter is perfectly within her rights to refuse a kiss. Sure, the slap wasn't nice for your partner, but he is the adult here and should have known better.

If your daughter was 16, and refused a kiss from someone who tried to kiss her anyway, you'd be glad she stood up for herself. She'd already used a more rational form of communication to say no, and was ignored.

It is her body. I'm all for giving children the control over who is allowed in their personal space and who isn't. That is their right. The only exception is when their safety or wellbeing is at risk eg. Stepping into a busy road and being grabbed to keep them safe.

I would perhaps mention to your daughter that hitting isn't kind, but not punish her. She was protecting herself.

They don't. But I wish they would at least try to make a token effort or acknowledge they don't understand.

Oh, a man in the pub once told me to take DS to Vegas because he would make me a lot of money, when he was earwigging on a conversion me and a close friend were having about autism.

DS can't count to 10 and has no concept of number at all.

Apparently he had told another woman she should join slimming world earlier that night and all.

Some people are just vile human beings to everybody.

Oh I also get a lot of 'is he hard work then?' actually no, he's probably a lot better behaved than most NT children, because autism affects people differently. That always winds me up. Why would you assume something about anyone? People need to either learn about things or keep their gobs shut about them.

It just makes me really depressed that people see the stress responses from those with autism as bad behaviour.