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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not punish DD for hitting her dad?

189 replies

livvielunch · 24/12/2015 23:00

DD is 4 and undergoing assessment for autism. She has a multitude of sensory processing issues and hates physical contact of any sort, particularly affection. She will actually scream and cry if she thinks anyone (I.e. approaching grandparents) may try and hug her. Despite this, DP insists on trying to kiss and hug her. This morning she was playing and he said goodbye to her as he was going out. She blanked him, as is usual. He said can I have a kiss, she flinched and shook her hear violently, turned away from him and continued playing. He leaned round with his lips puckered inches from her face and she slapped him in it. He was angry and stomped off mumbling 'love you too' and later said I should've stepped in and punished DD for her aggression. I said I think he should respect her wishes not to be hounded for affection and that he deserved it, really. Aibu?

OP posts:
BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 25/12/2015 01:16

no means no. your not so d partner did not accept that. he is the one at fault. hitting is wrong but ffs do not teach a child they have to put up with physical attention they do not like.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/12/2015 01:20

Of course she shouldn't be punished. He should not have demanded physical contact.

Is he actually trying to push her away and make her more vulnerable than she already is!

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2015 01:21

livvielunch you are most definitely not being unreasonable.

Your dd is perfectly at liberty to say no to kisses, wither she is 4, on autistic spectrum on not. Your dp needs to learn this lesson now before it affects his relationship with her or rather her relationship with him.

My dd is like this with people outside immediate family, e.g. aunties or uncles of mine... it's annoying they give sweets they expect a kiss or hug, it's hard to explain 'we don't force kids to hug and kiss relatives!

NickiFury · 25/12/2015 01:22

There's LOADS of ways to show love, why are slobbery kisses (that's how did sees them) the only acceptable way and feelings get hurt if they're not accepted? I don't remember kisses from my parents, I remember my Mum doing my art projects for school, because I was crap at them, I remember my Dad making me a dolls bunk beds from scratch and he was no carpenter, I was four and that's what sticks out to me. Kisses and affection are the person giving them and if they're not welcome and/or uncomfortable for the recipient then it's NOT love.

NickiFury · 25/12/2015 01:23

Are for the person giving them.

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2015 01:23

UkmmTheSecond sorry to hear that, it sounds awful.

NickiFury · 25/12/2015 01:24

And Brioche that's an embarrassingly ignorant post you wrote there.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 25/12/2015 01:25

Another one who would not punish her even if she didn't have asd. My little girl rarely likes kisses on the lips. I'd like kisses from her more often. Her body her right to chose. Full stop.

I grew up as a child who was kissed and hugged and taught to grimace and bear it when I didn't want to be and would never wish for my kids to grow up with the low self esteem and genuine belief that if a guy wasn't all over you to the point of physically having to stop him he didn't like me that I had :-S

My kids have total autonomy over their bodies unless doing so would cause the harm and are happy, confident and kind. If anyone tried to kiss or hug them against their will i'd step in and stop them. I after saying no repeatedly they physically defended themselves against an adult who can understand the word No i'd be on their side.

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2015 01:26

OP you may wish to read this book with your dp and see if it gives any insights. It is not specific to autism but it may just help to widen his ideas about how love is expressed and how it is perceived.

www.amazon.co.uk/The-5-Love-Languages-Children/dp/0802403476

knobblyknee · 25/12/2015 02:00

YANBU. She's 4, not a high functioning adult. Its obnoxious to stick your face in another persons face and demand attention. He's provoking her and it sounds like a regular thing. Uggh. Wine

Mmmmcake123 · 25/12/2015 03:06

Calleigh I agree about taking it down to the bare bones, a child should only be offered basic love IMO and never expected to respond.
I don't think op should consider whether to reprimand her child as she simply expressed herself in the best way she knew how in a difficult situation for her.
I don't think dp is some sort of crazy aggressor tho. He sounds he is just trying to make things right. ASD is difficult for people to understand and even well read people disagree hugely

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 25/12/2015 03:16

I will never understand why as adults we expect total respect from others with regards to physical contact / affection but insist on imposing it upon children who must just accept it.
Two of my DC have extremely clear boundaries with regards to their personal space and giving or receiving affection. It is their right as individuals to have the final say. A child with ASD may require help to communicate this in an appropriate way, however, your DH was completely in the wrong here.

SouthWestmom · 25/12/2015 03:18

Caleigh, i just disagree that's all. The genders aren't important, and nor is the action of the Dh really at the moment. he needs to learn and accept asd or he will just be battling everything. It's not like if he stops kissing her everything will be rosy.

Isetan · 25/12/2015 03:59

Ask your DH if he thinks that is a good message to send - that a guy who wants to kiss you is entitled to do so, and your feelings don't matter? I don't think the autism is relevant, frankly. The person in the wrong is your husband - no, she shouldn't have hit him, but he is as much to blame as she is in what he did, and he is not 4.

This

Your DD had made it abundantly clear that his affection was not wanted and he repeatedly ignored her wishes, in the same situation I would have slapped him too and I'm 43 years old and don't have ASD or sensory processing issues.

His failure to accept or to engage with his daughter's ASD is the problem and if anyone needs a good talking to its your H, why does he think his needs are the priority here? Respect is a two way street and if he continues to challenge her quite understandable boundaries, then a slap is the least of his or your worries.

Just because you do the lions share of the parenting doesn't absolve him from his parental responsibilities, which includes learning to communicate with his daughter.

ExAstris · 25/12/2015 04:03

I also wouldn't punish even a NT 4 year old for this. She said no, clearly didn't want physical affection from him, he forced it on her, she defended herself.

My 4yo DS has suspected Aspergers, though we didn't suspect it at the time, and went through a very long period of refusing to even say goodbye to DH as DH left for work, let alone the hug/kiss DH would've liked (difficulties around transitions, goodbyes especially, are a thing for him). DH wouldn't dream of forcing it, and managed to eventually gently make a game out of DS waving him goodbye, and now usually gets a hug and a kiss initiated by DS.

Mmmmcake123 · 25/12/2015 04:14

Exas that is very sweet. We have practised saying goodbye forever and our lo just didn't go for it. Eventually he now sometimes will at the age of 4. Like house had to make it into a game and cajole him a little bit.

EasterRobin · 25/12/2015 04:32

This made me so sad to read. Of course your DP had an idea in his head of what he expected a daughter to be like. And his daughter is different to what he imagined. That is very difficult for some people to come to terms with. But of course she is also wonderful and amazing and fascinating in her own way and on her own terms.

I'm not clear on what your DP wants her to do instead in such a situation. If she will be physically and mentally distressed by a situation, what does he think is an appropriate way for her to stop him? He really needs to think this through this, unless he wants to be the sort of person that causes huge distress to his innocent daughter for his own interest. If physical contact is a big deal, then there are better times to address it than on the way out of the door FFS.

Chopz · 25/12/2015 05:47

It shows little respect to her wishes.

Flumplet · 25/12/2015 05:51

She said no and dh needs to learn to respect her wishes, however dd also needs to learn that physical aggression is also not acceptable so I would have punished that appropriately to her needs.

We3KingyOfOblomovAre · 25/12/2015 06:36

I do think your dp is getting a bit of a hard time here. Having a child who is unaffectionate is quite hard. It's very painful actually.
He needs help to understand her, to change his expectations of her.
But she also needs help too. To understand how other people feel and how nice it is when people are genuinely affectionate. This will help her in all her future relationships.

ProudAS · 25/12/2015 06:54

YANBU your DP was BU

springsosoon · 25/12/2015 07:17

OP your OH was being a prick. Forcing your affections onto someone is never right. I would have slapped him too.

springsosoon · 25/12/2015 07:21

we3king " To understand how other people feel and how nice it is when people are genuinely affectionate. This will help her in all her future relationships."

What do you mean by this exactly? That is someone is being "genuinely affectionate" then her feelings should come secondary?

And how will that help her in future relationships? She should learn to put up and shut up?

Very bad advice. Sensory issues or not we all have the final say in how or if we want to be touched.

springsosoon · 25/12/2015 07:29

In fact OP I think you should be proud of your DD for defending herself.

enderwoman · 25/12/2015 07:58

It sounds like your dh doesn't understand asd. Your daughter has every right not to kiss or hug people. Your h must not she doesn't enjoy it and kissing makes only him feel good. He needs to find a way to show affection that is affectionate in your daughter's eyes. That might be him saying something affectionate (and not expecting a response even eye contact), a high five or just being there in comfortable silence.

If your daughter was a puppy people who say that your h deserved a nip after she had shown warning signs of not wanting physical affection. What does your h think dd should do? Run from him? Shout?