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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ainu to not want my dd around her uncle?

143 replies

Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 21:28

Bit of background, I'm one of 5, 4 boys and me. They all work in the family firm, I don't as am a girl and can't (apparently) they were each brought a plot of land and building supplies through the company (Ie mum and dad) and built their own houses, their mortgage is less on their massive 4 bed houses than I pay in rent on my crummy small studio flat. My mum does all their cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, they pay for no cleaning products, washing stuff, she has them home to hers for every evening meal. One brother told me to it that he "couldn't stand me" because "you keep getting bigger and bigger", I have put on weight but he hated me when I was skinny, he regularly tells my dd that I'm a "shit mum" and a "fuck up" (so she tells me). He has so much free time to go work out etc, I'm a single mum and have zero time to myself, ever. Tomorrow I'm at work and dd is off school for the holidays, my mum is babysitting and what's mum doing with her? Taking her to my brothers house to clean! My mum never has dd in daytime, why can't she spend a few hours (4) playing with her only granddaughter?

And I just don't want my brother being around my dd, he taught her to use the c*%t word and is generally a mess up. I'm dreading Christmas Day and his hungover state!

OP posts:

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 21:32

Funnily enough your brother sounds like a prize cunt or c@%t if you must...

This is tricky. I fully understand why you wouldn't want DD around that idiot, but if your DM is helping you out with (free?) babysitting, I guess why shouldn't she help your brother with cleaning? If you have other options for childcare I would use them, but I'm not sure you can dictate what your mum does with DD if she's doing you a favour and you are happy to accept that favour.

Topseyt · 20/12/2015 21:33

I wouldn't want any if my children around someone who tried to tell them such poisonous stuff about me.

I don't think I would be going to join them for Christmas.

PinotAndPlaydough · 20/12/2015 21:33

Wow, he sounds like a royal prick. I wouldn't want my children around someone like that and I also wouldn't want to spend time with someone who spoke to me in that way.
Do your parents not say anything to him? It all seems very unfair and it sounds like your parents are treating you fairly because your a girl.
I think I would put my foot down and say in not coming for Christmas because of my brother, why subject you and your child to that on Christmas Day?
I would also be speaking to my parents to explain exactly how I feel and that I wouldn't be taking it any more. OP you can't keep tolerating this you have to stand up for yourself

defineme · 20/12/2015 21:35

I am sorry, that is awful
What are you getting that's positive from your relationship with your family?
Your parents treat you as inferior to their other children, your brother is verbally abusive, your mum is setting an apalling example of a women's role to your dd and bringing her into contact with people who use obscene language about her mum!
Why are you spending Christmas with them? Wouldn't you have more fun just the two of you?

GloriaHotcakes · 20/12/2015 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 21:38

Gloria YY, house thing is dreadful. Think I would be asking for a decent explanation about that before having much more to do with any of them tbh.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2015 21:38

From your op, your situation is beyond bonkers.
Why did your parents not buy you a house?

magoria · 20/12/2015 21:39

I don't think I would actually like a DD around any of your family.

Your mother is part of the group showing you are not as important as the males in your family and that the females are there merely to cook & clean up after them.

I do hope you are not planning to take on any care of them as they age to your detriment!

Re-think you Christmas plans. You deserve better than this.

Original poster

Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 21:39

Monty you are right, I won't dictate what she should do with dd, but it's a one off th dd, she cleans my bros house twice a week, just slightly annoyed she's chosing him over my dd. My dd has asked (begged) to do some baking with my mum tomorrow, I'm just sad she gets let down for a 36 year old not to be able to clean his own home!

I will join them for Christmas as a single mother and I'd ideally like my dd to have a bigger family around, even though everyone other than mum and I (who will be in the kitchen cooking) will be sleeping in front of tv and dd isn't allowed to make any noise so will be sat in a dog bed colouring.
Hell, that sounds awful,

OP posts:

timelytess · 20/12/2015 21:41

You are in a stately homes situation. Your parents are toxic and unreasonable. Is there any way you can cut contact with them (and your horrible brothers) and bring up your dd free from their unpleasant influence?

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 21:42

No I'm not right actually OP! If it's just a one off thing it's really not a big ask for her to put off cleaning up after your brother for a few hours.

Sorry you are spending Xmas with them. You absolutely don't deserve the treatment you've mentioned.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 21:42

Also

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2015 21:43

I'd get shot of the entire boiling of them. You DM will teach your DD (and you are by cooking while the men relax) that women are second rate.

magoria · 20/12/2015 21:43

It doesn't just sound awful it is awful.

What a horrible boring day for a child. And what an awful way to see their mother & grandmother are nothing more important than skivvies for the men.

Why is having that bigger family better for her when she as a 4 year old will have to stay quiet and sit in a dog's bed than having a great time with you?

Make yourself a great Christmas present and promise yourself some counselling to help you away from these people.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 20/12/2015 21:43

Ir sounds awful because it is, what is it doing for your DD's self worth? She deserves better and so do you.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 21:43

Surely Xmas with just DD will be better than the Xmas you've just described?

TheBoysMamma · 20/12/2015 21:44

That does sound awful are you sure she wouldn't have a better Christmas just the two of you?/

HPsauciness · 20/12/2015 21:44

Inneed I'm not sure you should go for Christmas, why don't you stay home with your dd as she cannot be feeling cherished and loved by these brothers of yours who don't like you, won't let her make noise and generally treat her so badly.

Feign illness if you have to, but I think you are making a mistake thinking bigger is better with families- you don't have an ideal big family you have a horrible big one, so why not bypass it and just have fun the two of you without being looked down on others or told to shut up.

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 20/12/2015 21:47

Seriously, do you want your daughter to see from your parents, siblings, and even you as you collude with it, that this is how women should be treated in life?

I totally agree with magoria, I wouldn't want my daughter anywhere near these people, sorry.

I also wouldn't want to put myself in a position of obligation to them, so I wouldn't accept money, favours like free childcare etc or anything which may let them feel they could make demands of me. I realize you're a single mum so childcare may be difficult but I wouldn't want to see it come with strings attached. These people will not be a positive influence on your daughter.

Original poster

Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 21:47

I've said to my parents before I feel inferior, but they just say I'm ungrateful and over emmotional. my family are totally the women do everything. The males sit down and are served and cleaned up after. They even expect dd to clear up after her uncles.

The house bit is because they built them with my dad's company. As I can't contribute I don't get a house. Even though I would be so thankful for a tiny 2 bed house and the same mortgage as I pay in rent now (massively more than bros pay). My parents got so mad with me I was angry my brother called me a c *nt in front of dd.

I'm debating staying home for Christmas, just my dd adores one of my brothers and my mum, I don't want her to miss out!

OP posts:

PinotAndPlaydough · 20/12/2015 21:47

I think your daughter will have more fun at home being able to play, watch films, make noise etc than being sat in silence colouring in all day while the men ignore her and the women of the family run around after them.

OP you and the men in your family are teaching her how a woman is treated and what they are teaching her is wrong. Let her enjoy her Christmas and let her see you standing up for the pair of you by saying no we deserve better

Original poster

Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 21:50

Thank you, I'm sitting here crying at all your lovely responses, I've felt so very awful about this all for so long. I've felt I was wrong for feeling rubbish about it and it was my problem, thank you for letting me know it's not just me xx

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 20/12/2015 21:51

Stay at home. Why would you expose your daughter to this toxic atmosphere and pervasive indoctrination that as a female she has less value? See the nice brother and your mum separately.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 21:51

I would seriously distance myself from the lot of them, your parents treat you as an inferior, do nothing for you,give your brothers everything because they are boys. That is unacceptable and a very poor example for your dd. As aresult I expect your brothers opinions of yiu are low and it shows. I would not be there at Christmas, do your own thing with dd. Time to stick up for yourself.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/12/2015 21:51

You're certainly not being unreasonable, what a disgusting abusive and abysmal way to treat their only sister. I'm sorry but I don't know why your mum isn't highly ashamed of them. I would be if they were my sons. Yes they might be financially successful but their attitudes toward women diabolical. Do they have wives partners daughters. Heaven help them if tgey do. At least you don't live with them. Also what a disgusting example they are to their dcs assuming they have them. Oh its okay to talk to people like shit.
As for one of them teaching your DD to use the c word well Im that astounded I have no words for that. I mean its used on here a lot but teaching it to a 4 year old that's beyond corrupt.
If it were me. I'd be spending Christmas alone with my DD. Children are much more fun to be around anyway. You don't want her around these toxic and I use the term very loosely, men.
. You're beautiful and a wonderful mum and doing an amazing job, and don't be told any different.

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