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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ainu to not want my dd around her uncle?

143 replies

Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 21:28

Bit of background, I'm one of 5, 4 boys and me. They all work in the family firm, I don't as am a girl and can't (apparently) they were each brought a plot of land and building supplies through the company (Ie mum and dad) and built their own houses, their mortgage is less on their massive 4 bed houses than I pay in rent on my crummy small studio flat. My mum does all their cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, they pay for no cleaning products, washing stuff, she has them home to hers for every evening meal. One brother told me to it that he "couldn't stand me" because "you keep getting bigger and bigger", I have put on weight but he hated me when I was skinny, he regularly tells my dd that I'm a "shit mum" and a "fuck up" (so she tells me). He has so much free time to go work out etc, I'm a single mum and have zero time to myself, ever. Tomorrow I'm at work and dd is off school for the holidays, my mum is babysitting and what's mum doing with her? Taking her to my brothers house to clean! My mum never has dd in daytime, why can't she spend a few hours (4) playing with her only granddaughter?

And I just don't want my brother being around my dd, he taught her to use the c*%t word and is generally a mess up. I'm dreading Christmas Day and his hungover state!

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 20/12/2015 21:52

Miss out on cleaning up after her uncles? Miss out on having to be quiet and sit in a dog bed colouring?

Honestly, you have to stick up for her, even if you don't feel brave enough to do it for yourself.

Your mum and nice brother can come over on Boxing Day (that's if they are really nice).

You are continuing to put her in the same position as you: inferior, not good enough. Is your dd inferior and not good enough? NO- so I think for her sake you have to take her out of this situation and away from these people who don't even seem to like or value either of you very much.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 21:52

Not your problem. Their problem. It doesn't have to be your problem if you don't see them. Agree with pp that bigger isn't always better with families. Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 21:54

God they are toxic op, your parents and the brothers who are nasty. That is a piss poor example to give your dd. Just see your nice brother, distance yourself from your parents and other brothers. You are doing fine on your own.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/12/2015 21:55

Your parents expect a 4 year baby to clean up after her uncles. No wonder they've turned out the way tgey are. Thinking women are not fit to do anything except be tied to the kitchen sink. They've been programmed to think that way.

magoria · 20/12/2015 21:56

Give yourself that Christmas present and get external help to show you this is a very fucked up situation and prevent it continuing down the line to your DD and her future.

foxy6 · 20/12/2015 21:57

I'm sorry for you it sounds awful. I would have to agree with everyone else, enjoy Christmas at home with your daughter, do some baking, play games, watch Christmas films together, laugh and have a good time. A bigger family is not better if it makes you feel worthless and miserable. Your family does not seem to value women, that is obvious in the way the boys have been spoilt and you and your daughter seem very unappreciated.
I hope you sort something and have a nice Christmas, which ever you decide x

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 21:59

Sounds like a modern day Cindarella situation, the women do the work and serve, whilst the men sit on their backsides. I pity their pRtners, your parents should be ashamed bringing their sons up like this. Do yourself a favour, stay at home and invite your nice brother.

timelytess · 20/12/2015 21:59

Talk to your GP, too. You can get counselling for this, and it will help you to be strong and make a better life for you and your dd.

The way they treat you is wrong. Absolutely wrong. I speak as someone told from an early age that I would inherit nothing from my parents because it would all go to my younger brother. Why are people so ridiculously over-impressed by a child with a penis?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:00

Your mother should be ashamed of her self choosing to clean her adult ds house instead of spending precious time with her granddaughter. Now is the time to say enough, don't let this carry on for another generation.

ThreeRuddyTubs · 20/12/2015 22:01

Your dd doesn't need to be exposed to your toxic family. They all sound shit they're all happy with the status quo aren't they? None of them sound like they're on your side at all. Have a lovely day with your dd

CandlesAreBurning · 20/12/2015 22:02

Is your "D"B single at 36 or does he have a family? I'm guessing all 4 brothers are still single if they go to your mums for dinner each night?

SpecialistSnowflake · 20/12/2015 22:02

This is fucking horrible. It sounds so damaging for you and your dd. Your family despise women, it's toxic. Are you able to cut contact with them?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:03

No wonder they are single, they all deserve each other. Your parents look after their sons, and treat their lonely daughter like shit.

StrangeLookingParasite · 20/12/2015 22:03

Not just your daughter, I don't know why you would want to be around this toxic shower of shit.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:04

Only doh sorry.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:05

Start loving yourself op, distance yourself from this toxic family today!

Original poster
Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 22:06

Magoria, I tried to get help when dd was a newborn, went to the doctors as v depressed, prescribed sleeping pills and therapy, but my family don't believe in depression so wouldn't take care of dd so I could go to therapy, and made me feel guilty about taking the tablets as on own with her (rightly so) so I didn't.

Christmas Day I could put her in a spare room/playroom type thing with some new toys, but I can't play with her as I feel it's wrong to expect my mum to do it all alone and my brothers are incapable, my dad was vvv poorly last Christmas and he does work so so hard he dies deserve looking after. I just wish one of the uncles would play with her, or even let her sit on their lap with a film and her headphones on.

My dd is so lovely she's very wilful and is always in trouble with the family. Tonight she wanted to sing her songs from her nativity play to them and two of my brothers were so uninterested and horrid.

She's only grandchild, my brothers are all single. Maybe dynamics would change of there were wives and children too?! X

OP posts:
RideEmCowgirl · 20/12/2015 22:10

Please explain the dog bed further as I am not understanding that.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/12/2015 22:10

my brothers are all single.

What a shocker! Grin

Just think - if you stayed at home for Xmas day you could stick a quick chicken on and then spend the day playing with her,

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:11

Op they are toxic, your parents have done this the self. Don't you need looking after op? What about you! What about your dd op. Your dad has 4 able brothers and yiur mum to look him, Sid them!

stubbornstains · 20/12/2015 22:14

Oh lovely, this is so terrible for you Thanks

Now that your DD is at school though, you should have time to get counselling at some point? I think it would really benefit you to unpick how your family have treated, and continue, to treat you.

magoria · 20/12/2015 22:15

Try the doctor again. Now DD is a little older try and get your therapy when she is at school/in care.

Don't let your massively selfish family make you feel bad! They are the reason you need the help.

Your dad may go out to work but then he comes home and lets someone else skivvy for him. Where is the women's breaks/christmas?

Your brothers are horrid and uninterested because your entire family has taught females (you and your DD are unimportant).

Your DD is 4. She is always in trouble with the family. Please protect her. She doesn't deserve this.

Neither of you do.

Original poster
Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 22:17

Cowgirl...the dog bed is as its by the radiator, comfortable and out of the way. I appreciate its a terrible sounding thing, our dogs are treated like children so it's not so bad! I'm so scared of the fall out if I stayed home.i don't want to make anyone feel bad. My dd is so happy go lucky she will just be pleased for it to be Christmas Day she won't notice the badness.

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 20/12/2015 22:17

Honestly Inneed, and I mean this from my heart, you need to get shot of the whole lot of them if you possibly can, or at least back away and have as little to do with them as you can. The family dynamics are so one sided that I'm frankly amazed that you've come through them as lovely and balanced as you are! I'd be very, very bitter but you've risen above that. It's a credit to you.

You and DD are a complete family. You can form your own lovely traditions and activities. If you're able to spend less time with your toxic family perhaps you'll have more time to form a better, truer family from friends and others around you. And not that we have to have a man to be happy, but perhaps even meet someone who could add to your life and show your DD how a real man treats the women in his life!

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 22:20

Agree with stubborn re possibility of counselling now your DD is at school?

Also, tend to agree with Aero. The house thing is enough to make me think you should let them sort their own Xmas dinner. You sound very kind to be worried about them coping without you OP, but really, they sound perfectly capable of looking after themselves. DD is 4. She needs you a lot more.

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