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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ainu to not want my dd around her uncle?

143 replies

Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 21:28

Bit of background, I'm one of 5, 4 boys and me. They all work in the family firm, I don't as am a girl and can't (apparently) they were each brought a plot of land and building supplies through the company (Ie mum and dad) and built their own houses, their mortgage is less on their massive 4 bed houses than I pay in rent on my crummy small studio flat. My mum does all their cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, they pay for no cleaning products, washing stuff, she has them home to hers for every evening meal. One brother told me to it that he "couldn't stand me" because "you keep getting bigger and bigger", I have put on weight but he hated me when I was skinny, he regularly tells my dd that I'm a "shit mum" and a "fuck up" (so she tells me). He has so much free time to go work out etc, I'm a single mum and have zero time to myself, ever. Tomorrow I'm at work and dd is off school for the holidays, my mum is babysitting and what's mum doing with her? Taking her to my brothers house to clean! My mum never has dd in daytime, why can't she spend a few hours (4) playing with her only granddaughter?

And I just don't want my brother being around my dd, he taught her to use the c*%t word and is generally a mess up. I'm dreading Christmas Day and his hungover state!

OP posts:
ladygracie · 20/12/2015 22:57

You said that your brothers have spent hundreds on each other & your parents. Will they have spent the same on you & dd?

Hiddlesnake · 20/12/2015 22:59

Break the cycle now. In 20 years time it could be your DD searching for help and questioning why you didn't protect her from their patriarchal bullshit.

It really does sound as though you've had a tough time. No "family" should use the unpleasant terms your brothers use to describe other family members, especially in front of a child. It's just horrid and, ugh, I'm just SO angry for you!

GeekLove · 20/12/2015 23:00

Make this the first christmas where you and dd make your own mess listen to your own music, clean up your own mess and make it the start of showing her that she and you are valuable individuals.

Think of yourself as a surgeon and you ar removing a massive tangled tumour from your lives. That tumour is your toxic family and are only just realising it for what it is. It will hurt and be messy but it will be so much better

Have an awesome Christmas for you and dd!

YouthHostellingWithChrisEubank · 20/12/2015 23:04

Your family is fucking awful. Stay home at Christmas. You'll still have to cook but you won't be serving the food to ungrateful dickheads.

Your brothers are single. Says it all, doesn't it? I hope they stay that way so they're not inflicting their appalling attitudes on womankind.

Original poster
Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 23:04

Lady, yes two of them would've spent that on us, it's lovely but embarrassing as I can't reciprocate. Last year one bro brought me leather ugg boots (which I adore) but I only brought him a hand printed canvas of a photo he loves. He's spent so much on my dd this year already, my budget is £30 each family member. The horrible brother gets me every year, birthday and Christmas, £20 gift voucher for Next. But hundreds of pounds on everyone else gifts, so I end up looking stingy as my gifts are low value. X

OP posts:
kickassangel · 20/12/2015 23:05

Is there any chance that you could move? It doesn't need to be too far, but just far enough that you can cut down seeing them quite a bit. (ie 10 miles from work, but in the opposite direction from them). And/or any chance that you could find somewhere cheaper to live?

My family aren't quite as extreme as yours (although I remember sitting in the kitchen with my DSis and our daughters while her DH had the lounge to himself because he was tired), but I find I can cope with them much better if I have less contact. A day or two every few months is fine.

Physical distance has also given me emotional distance and perspective, so I don't get caught up in their way of doing things. I see them from an outside perspective and realize just how bloody weird they are.

And stop telling your mum things. She will never respect you or your right to being seen as an independent autonomous woman. You will always be girl-servant to her, and treated as such.

MudCity · 20/12/2015 23:20

Agree with what everyone else has said. You cannot expose your daughter to this. If you do, you are letting the cycle continue and she will become the next family skivvy.

Take charge of the situation and make a stand. You cannot let yourself be treated like this because you will be setting a poor example to your daughter. Respect yourself, set boundaries, and she will respect herself as she grows older.

And, like others have said, please get yourself some counselling now that you can. Make that your resolution for 2016 for your own, and your daughter's, sake.

Please make sure you have a warm and loving Christmas. You deserve it. Flowers

ladygracie · 20/12/2015 23:22

Of course you don't look stingy. They have houses. Houses. You do not. If you did then you too could spend silly money on presents for them. This is so unfair that I cannot express how awful it is.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/12/2015 23:23

They've had fecking houses and the jobs! That money is a gift from their parents not them. Yours is left over from housing yourself. You can't live in a twatting Ugg boot.

EvaBING · 20/12/2015 23:27

Can you in any way (without becoming homeless), take the hit to your finances to become completely free of all of them?

kickassangel · 20/12/2015 23:31

And remember - they may have the plot of land and a big house, but they are all living by themselves, and reliant on mummy for everything. You have a beautiful DD, and can take care of yourself.

I really think you should try to build up even more independence, socialize etc. Let them become the dysfunctional family you see sometimes, who have no control over you, while you enjoy your life as best you can.

Jux · 20/12/2015 23:41

No, you don't look stingy. Your family know your circumstances and the nice ones will just be pleased you managed to get/make them anything, while the nasty bro won't be satisfied even if you spent a million on his present.

Starting after this Xmas, stop. You don't need him, he's just a spoilt brat. Keep out of his way. Maybe next year you'll be able to invite your mum for Xmas at yours where you'll look after her and remind her she's a person in her own right who deserves to be looked after too.

I would think seriously about not going this year. Maybe popping in to drop off presents sometime on Boxing day.

rainbowstardrops · 21/12/2015 00:00

Why is your brother so nasty to you?
I can't believe that your parents welcomed the brothers to the family business and facilitated them all building lovely new houses and yet you are left out in the cold!
Have you ever raised this with your parents?

munkisocks · 21/12/2015 00:00

I'm with everyone else. They're treating you terribly because you're female from how it sounds. You can't allow your dd to see how bad you're treated. Don't go this year. Have Xmas just the two of you and make lovely traditions with her sitting in front of TV with hot chocolate and marshmallows watching movies. At least she can see you're happy then and not being pulled down by your toxic family.

munkisocks · 21/12/2015 00:02

Btw don't be afraid to ask for help from doctors for depression. Take that first step and phone them to book an appointment. It's non of your familys business to know.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 21/12/2015 00:30

Oh yes I meant to say I'm on ADs and have had no contact from HV or SS about it. Nobody judges it.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 21/12/2015 02:03

Is there any way you could wake up Christmas morning with 'terrible D&V' and be unable to go to your parent's or do you live close enough that they'd want to come and get DD?

livvylongpants · 21/12/2015 03:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amazingtracy · 21/12/2015 03:21

Am I the only one wondering if the OP had a son instead of a daughter-how different it all could be?
Seriously couldn't be arsed with that shitty politics-I don't see anything in it for you.

unfortunately I'm not so sure the op sees it like everyone else

Creampastry · 21/12/2015 06:16

You are bring brain washed and abused. Being treated like this by these people, including your mum, is wrong. Please be strong and put an end to it.

RideEmCowgirl · 21/12/2015 07:33

OP - what are you going to do?

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 08:21

Of course they can afford nice presents, mummy and daddy are paying for them. Do this for your dd if not yourself. She is already being influenced at 4 years old!!!!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 08:25

I would invite nice brother and mum over for later, next year as jux said, invite your mum and nice brother over for Christmas and sod the rest!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 08:26

If op had a ds, they would already be conditioning him to hate women, and to think of them as their servants!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 13:11

Op you sound lovely, but utimatly as dd parent you are responsible for putting an end to this and saying no more, and setting a good example to your dd that they cannot treat her badly because she is a girl. By accepting it, your giving her the red light, and conditioning her to expect that from men in the future when she is an adult. Your actions now, will influence her now and later so be wise. Yes there will be a fall out, but none of it is your fault, you are not putting up with that rubbish anymore, and are showing your dd that she does not too. It was very worrying even now at 4 she can see how the men treat the ladies, and is telling you its not fair, it is not! Lead by example, and say no more!

I would rather be a fall out and nothing much to do with a bunch of highly toxic people anymore, than show my dd that is how she should expect to be treated by men, and that she is not worthy. Putting her on a dog bed to sit on, fgs, op that is disgraceful at any time of the year, at Christmas. The subliminal message here is that you ares no more worthy as a female, than a dog! Is that the future you want for dd! They have show you, the lot of them where their loyalties lie, it is not with you or dd. Your mother cancelling precious time with dd so that she can clean her able bodied adult ds house! Says it all really. Make the right choice for your dd. You don't want her to be somebodies servant.

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