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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ainu to not want my dd around her uncle?

143 replies

Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 21:28

Bit of background, I'm one of 5, 4 boys and me. They all work in the family firm, I don't as am a girl and can't (apparently) they were each brought a plot of land and building supplies through the company (Ie mum and dad) and built their own houses, their mortgage is less on their massive 4 bed houses than I pay in rent on my crummy small studio flat. My mum does all their cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, they pay for no cleaning products, washing stuff, she has them home to hers for every evening meal. One brother told me to it that he "couldn't stand me" because "you keep getting bigger and bigger", I have put on weight but he hated me when I was skinny, he regularly tells my dd that I'm a "shit mum" and a "fuck up" (so she tells me). He has so much free time to go work out etc, I'm a single mum and have zero time to myself, ever. Tomorrow I'm at work and dd is off school for the holidays, my mum is babysitting and what's mum doing with her? Taking her to my brothers house to clean! My mum never has dd in daytime, why can't she spend a few hours (4) playing with her only granddaughter?

And I just don't want my brother being around my dd, he taught her to use the c*%t word and is generally a mess up. I'm dreading Christmas Day and his hungover state!

OP posts:
Original poster
Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 22:21

Thank you, could I still get help? I thought now she's older I wouldn't qualify for ot? My mum says that my dd would get taken off me if I need help/-antidepressants? I'm aware I sound ridiculous. I'm actually intelligent and work as a speech therapist in a large nursery. X

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 20/12/2015 22:22

im not surprised your brother are single, they probably always will be!

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2015 22:22

"I'm debating staying home for Christmas, just my dd adores one of my brothers and my mum, I don't want her to miss out!"
I think she SHOULD miss out. Miss out on the indoctrination that she is getting from the rest of your family that she is inferior by dint of being a girl, and should exist only to skivvy for them.

"Christmas Day I could put her in a spare room/playroom type thing with some new toys, but I can't play with her as I feel it's wrong to expect my mum to do it all alone and my brothers are incapable, my dad was vvv poorly last Christmas and he does work so so hard he dies deserve looking after."
Your mum SHOULD do it all alone, because she is the one who has taught her sons to sit on their lazy arses and leave it to the skivvies/wimmin. Sorry, but she mad this particular rod and the only back it should be applied to is her own, not yours Angry. And no, your dad does not deserve looking after, he has shit on you and your daughter and what he deserves is what he dishes out.

You need to get away from these horrible people.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2015 22:22

You need therapy. That is not an insult, it's a recommendation.

The way they treat you and your DD is dreadful. And don't label your child 'willful'. She is, very luckily considering her extended family, a powerful and strong girl. She will need that. She gets in trouble with your family because they like women to be doormats. Hopefully your DD has enough persistence and energy to escape that.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 22:23

My mum says that my dd would get taken off me if I need help/-antidepressants

This is a terrible thing to say and categorically not true. My mum was on anti depressants for years and SS never took the slightest interest in us.

Please don't listen to your mum. Get whatever help you need.

RideEmCowgirl · 20/12/2015 22:24

So as well as treating you and now her like second class citizens, they like your DD out of the way in the dogs bed.

It won't only be you who needs counselling as I'm sure your DD will do when she is older to get past her self esteem issues and coming to terms with how her mother let her be treated so appallingly.

Youarentkiddingme · 20/12/2015 22:24

InNeed you are worth so much more than this and so is your DD.

Please listen to the advice given here - it's spot on and I could only repeat it. Flowers

PinotAndPlaydough · 20/12/2015 22:24

I'm sorry that your dads been ill and that your worries that your mum would have to do all the work but honestly this cycle your family is in has to break somewhere, let it be you that does it and don't let it pass on to your daughter. The Christmas you are describing sounds so miserable, it would break my heart leaving my child to play alone on Christmas Day. If your mum chooses to run around after her adult sons and husband that's up to her it is not your job to enable this.
Your only loyalty is to yourself and your little girl.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/12/2015 22:26

Break the cycle now. What is going to happen when your mum is too old to do all the cleaning. Will they be calling her up to do it for them or you?

amarmai · 20/12/2015 22:27

op you will not lose your dd if you go for therapy. As long as you are not abusing her she will remain with you. It will be regarded as good for both you and your dd that you are getting counselling. Be prepared to be counselled to stay away from your toxic family.

MrsDeVere · 20/12/2015 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tillytown · 20/12/2015 22:30

You sound lovely, don't put yourself through anymore of their crap Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:30

ineed fall out, they already treat you like shit and expect you to comply and this is filtering down to your dd, by doing this your showing your dd its ok to be treated like rubbish because your a girl and to be subservient. Grow a pair of tits and look after you and yours now! Break this toxic cycle.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:32

Big fat clap fir MrsD, here here!

Original poster
Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 22:33

All you wonderful people. Thank you so so much. I will absolutely take it on board, and will try to action some of the points. I'm not brave enough for most, my dd knows her uncles are lazy and it's not right how our family are. She tells her teachers that in her family boys sit down and do nothing and it's not fair. She is exceptionally astute and sees what's on. The being alone on Christmas Day bit does really upset me, I guess I'd sooner my mum be alone than my dd and face the backlash, gosh..I am getting brave! I just so wish it didn't come to this. I want her to have a lovely Christmas, for it to be about her and exciting.ive scraped by to afford her Christmas list and still have family presents to go.my brothers have spent hundreds of pounds on my parents and each other, and I can't afford that, so Xmas day will Also be angry as my presents are mostly homemade!

OP posts:
ExBallerina · 20/12/2015 22:34

Oh OP this is so sad FlowersSad

Out of interest, and not like this excuses their bullshit, are their family roles and beliefs of a cultural nature? I ask because my own mother lived a life like this when she and my father were married. My mother's family is also like this. And it was just accepted as "the way it was done" for many years as part of the culture.

Until shit hit the fan, police were involved, social services too, and then they divorced.

My point is that emotional abuse should never be a family tradition. The fact that you're afraid to bin them just shows how much damage they've done.

You deserve better and so does your DD. It's taken me forever to finally understand that for myself. I won't let my daughter ever know a family life like that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2015 22:36

"I'm so scared of the fall out if I stayed home.i don't want to make anyone feel bad. My dd is so happy go lucky she will just be pleased for it to be Christmas Day she won't notice the badness."
So what if they 'feel bad'? They have no hesitation in making you feel bad! And they won't 'feel bad'. They'll be annoyed at the loss of a skivvy. Angry, even. So what? Fuck 'em.

And don't kid yourself she won't notice. Children are sponges, absorbing every last nuance of everything around them. Just because they lack the vocabulary/ability to express what they see/what they think about it/how it affects them, people kid themselves it's not affecting them. It's all going in, it really is.

FantasticButtocks · 20/12/2015 22:40

It is almost unbelievable that you seem to think you are doing your daughter a favour by exposing her to this disgraceful set up. Why on earth would you choose to spend Christmas day with your dd in a place where you 'can't play with her'? Why is that in any way acceptable? For goodness sake put her first. Not last.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/12/2015 22:43

Inneed - I have depression, and had PND after each of my children was born. I have had anti-depressants, 2.5 years of group therapy, and individual Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - and there has never been any suggestion that my children should be taken away from me, or that I was not fit to care for them - even when I was at my worst.

Please get the tablets and ask for the therapy - and don't tell your family - they do not need to know. I repeat - you do not need to tell them.

I also agree with those who say you and your dd should stay home for Christmas - you will both have a better time. And you can lie to your family - ring up first thing on Christmas morning, and say you both have a nasty vomiting bug and can't come. This will avoid the family fallout.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:44

Christmas with dd is all yiu need, as yiu are giving more information, the worse it gets. Yiur dd is seeing what goes on and absorbing, remember that, do this for dd, you will be doing her the biggest present ever.

coconutpie · 20/12/2015 22:47

Do not go to theirs for Christmas Day. It is inexcusable that they would expect your DD to sit on a dog bed keeping quiet all day while clearing up after her shitty extended family. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You are an amazing mum and you deserve better. I would go NC with the lot of them and make other arrangements for tomorrow. They all sound hideous.

And please get therapy if you can Flowers

Original poster
Inneedofachat15 · 20/12/2015 22:49

Ex ballerina....not really any cultural reasons, we are white british, very Home Counties so maybe that's a bit of it.actually it is very cultural, from the Victorian ages. Which my family have clung to. ie females are second clas citizens.

I tell my dd that she can be anything she wants,I've saved her family allowance since she was born, all in her bank account with odd bits of money I have and gifts from christening, she already has £8000 so hopefully she won't have mega dramas when it comes to uni/ buying a house.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/12/2015 22:51

Dear God they sound bloody horrible. Much better for you and DD to stand together, stand up for yourselves and not be maids of all work, sidelined and sat in a dog basket.
They won't appreciate your gifts, worse than that, your efforts give them an opportunity to belittle you.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2015 22:53

inned you are doing fine by yourself on your own without any handouts. Actually your brothers are grown able adults dependent on their parents, how embarrassing. They expect your dd to sit on a dog bed at Christmas op and clean up after them at Cristmas Shock. Fuck that op that woukd not be happening over my cold hard body. You have choices op, your dd does not! She is trusting you to make the right choices for her, so choose carefully!

magoria · 20/12/2015 22:56

You don't have to tell your family you are having therapy/any required help.

The less you tell them the less they can beat you down.