Ainu to not want my dd around her uncle?

[Inneedofachat15]

Bit of background, I'm one of 5, 4 boys and me. They all work in the family firm, I don't as am a girl and can't (apparently) they were each brought a plot of land and building supplies through the company (Ie mum and dad) and built their own houses, their mortgage is less on their massive 4 bed houses than I pay in rent on my crummy small studio flat. My mum does all their cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, they pay for no cleaning products, washing stuff, she has them home to hers for every evening meal. One brother told me to it that he "couldn't stand me" because "you keep getting bigger and bigger", I have put on weight but he hated me when I was skinny, he regularly tells my dd that I'm a "shit mum" and a "fuck up" (so she tells me). He has so much free time to go work out etc, I'm a single mum and have zero time to myself, ever. Tomorrow I'm at work and dd is off school for the holidays, my mum is babysitting and what's mum doing with her? Taking her to my brothers house to clean! My mum never has dd in daytime, why can't she spend a few hours (4) playing with her only granddaughter?

And I just don't want my brother being around my dd, he taught her to use the c*%t word and is generally a mess up. I'm dreading Christmas Day and his hungover state!

It is any wonder these 'men' are single, a lot of wise women out there. The parents are the authors of their own destruction.

dd isn't allowed to make any noise so will be sat in a dog bed colouring.
Hell, that sounds awful

That is absolutely disgraceful, there is no way on earth my dd will be spending Christmas there. It sounds awful, because it is! What about your dd Christmas op, isen't she entitled to a nice Christmas too, oh no she is Female so is not! Op have a lovely Christmas with just you and dd, doing baking and lovely things, not sat on a dog bed colouring not allowed to make any noise. Say No now, and influence her future.

They sound absolutely vile and I would be dipping into the savings for your DD to move as far as physically possible if I were you! Please don't worry about making them feel bad as they seem to show absolutely no regard for your feelings.

Being a parent can involve making tough and unpopular decisions for the welfare or well being of your child, and this is one of the many you will face being a parent. Op if you take her round there this Christmas, and she is sat on that dog bed, not allowed to make noise and enjoy herself, you will be as bad as your mother, letting her grandchild down, so she can clean her adult able ds home.

"They even expect dd to clear up after her uncles." Good grief!

"My parents got so mad with me I was angry my brother called me a c *nt in front of dd." and

Horrible horrible people.

Protect your daughter from them.

I've said to my parents before I feel inferior, but they just say I'm ungrateful and over emotional. my family are totally the women do everything. The males sit down and are served and cleaned up after. They even expect dd to clear up after her uncles.

Be blunt. Ask why the possession of a penis means that you get to be a lazy so-and-so whereas not having one means you have to be a servant. (actually, slave, as servants get paid!)

you actually have to do something about this, such as cut contact. I KNOW its hard, but you cant end up with your girl going through what youve been through. Your family are abusive

OP - many people have your situation, you are not the only one and not to blame.

Your DM treats you as an extension of herself. That will never change. She is too far gone. Accepting that could gently release you.

Therapy would be a very helpful tool for you. Your future relationship with DD almost requires it.

Your instincts are good. You see clearly. You just need to learn how to "clean it up". Therapy!

Take your time. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Very best of luck and Happy Christmas to you and dd.

Your post breaks my heart. Your family are toxic and are harming you. It is such an awful situation but Ihope the advice here will help you see it isn't normal and there is hope.

Most importantly SS won't care about anti depressants. If you need them then trust me you will be better mum on them than off then! I have been on them for years and SS have never ever had an interest in my family. As for therapy it is always available on the nhs to those who need it (although there can be a wait)

Book an appointment to see your gp or a nurse clinician you are comfortable with. Go and give them the basic outline of the situation and how it affects you. They will ask some questions then help you find the right help.

Lastly head over to relationships and read the stately homes thread. It will help you realise you are not alone.

You can do this. Please see this new year as a new start for you and your DD. Take steps to start distancing yourself from the toxicity and form some new friendships and relationships.

Blimey sounds utterly horrendous. I can understand its hard to break away form your family especially as they have seriously eroded your self-esteem and sense of self worth by the sounds of it. I could not subject my child to that.

Stay home, let your child play and make noise like normal kids do. Sod the fall out and anyway sounds like they couldn't give a shit anyway and only see you and your DD as slaves.

Wow. Your going to spend your life miserable if you carry on being around this toxic family. Treating women like dirt is not normal and not something you want your daughter to think is normal! I would slowly cut ties with this situation. I know its very easy for me to tell you this from a computer screen and not being in this situation myself but this is something you need to do.

They are abusive!! What do you think social services would say about her spending x-mas day in a dog bed not able to play or have fun.

Think about how bad they make you feel and know that your saving your daughter from ever feeling like that. I feel very angry for you and your daughter.

Keep us updated, I hope you have a brilliant Christmas with your daughter away from the evil ones.

Ye Gads. They sound horrendous. You can make a homely, loving, magical and wonderful Christmas for your DD at home. It sounds utterly miserable at your parents. Break the trend, go to GP, and tell your family you are neither a slave or undeserving. Good luck, you and your DD are worth so much more x

Go to the Stately Homes thread - if a person tells someone they are upset and the comeback is you are emotional and should be grateful it is absolutely, no questions, an abusive family dynamic. The other standard line is you are "over reacting". The underlying message is "roll over so I can kick you some more".

Your mother makes herself queen of the family women while denigrating all other women and taking her position by supporting the patriarchy.

My grandmother did the sort of stuff you are describing - without a doubt she missed her vocation as a guard in Nuremberg, if she had been a man I have no doubt she would have done that job and enjoyed it thoroughly.

I watched my grandmother treat my parents like shit for years and I cannot tell you the emotional repercussions this has had into my life.

Get yourself and your daughter away from these people forever and get some therapy from someone who specialises in family emotional abuse.

Already she is cleaning up after her uncles and expecting to be a servant . They let a little 4 year old clean up after them, vile disgusting individuals. Sorry op, your dd should not be allowed to be exposed to this, you as her parent have a responsibility. Do you think its going to be a nice Christmas for her, surrounded by men who don't give a toss for her, don't interact or play with her, and expect her and you and their mother to clean up after them and be their servant. Add to that, when your dd is not tending to the needs of the men, she is expected to sit quietly on a dog bed. Op this sounds bad, because it is!!! Its a disgrace, your dd won't miss them if you distance yourself, and stay at home for Christmas.

Spending time with extended family is nice, only if they are nice people, who make you welcome and make sure that you are looked after and have fun, not vile toxic individuals who expect a 4 year old to be their slave, and don't bother interacting with her! What would they be like if your dd was a ds. I bet they would be very interactive and nice, and she would not be sitting on a dog bed.

My DAd and DP were both brought up in households where the Mum and sisters did the chores and the men were waited on. However, they never hated the women in their lives, they loved them. My DM and I just expected them to share the work when we married and they did without complaint.

It is not normal family behaviour your DD is being exposed to. She needs you to protect her and build her self worth or she will suffer like you did. Your nicer brother and your Mum will visit you both if they care enough. Please don't go back to that environment for both your sakes.

I was on ADs when dd was small. Furthermore, I was physically ill too, though undiagnosed. SS weren't involved. I did lean on my hv quite hard. I was utterly miserable and pretty incapable (eventually dx with ms).

DD was not taken from me, and it was not threatened, not even mentioned.

Don't be scared. Get what help you can from wherever it appears. Go to your gp. Tell them about Xmas and how it was spent, by both you and your dd. Ask for help.

Ring Women's Aid. You are being abused by your brother particularly. It doesn't seem like it because all the men are like that with all the women in your family. You don't want that life for your dd.

Do you ever see your nice brother alone? Would he support you?

You are not over-emotional or over-reacting. You are responding sensibly to a situation which is badly wrong.

You have good savings. Use a bit to get yourself and dd out of it. That is the best use of the savings atm. At the moment, your dd is growing up learning that women, that she herself is worth nothing. Your family is likely to resist her further education - that would be quite challenging for them and they'd resist her going to Uni. It is quite likely that, no matter how well she does in school, she will believe that that is worthless and she doesn't deserve a Uni place, doesn't deserve a good job, doesn't deserve a future as anything other than another female doing the servitude.

In that case, your savings that you have struggled to make, in defiance of your family's attitude, would also be worthless.

Spend some now. Get yourself out of there. Get yourself and dd out of their sphere of influence. Show her that strong women don't put up and shut up. Show her that strong women walk! You can. You are so clearly a strong and sensible woman, who can recognise the shit in front of her and won't accept it. Do it for dd's sake; so that next year, she spends Xmas as any 5 year old should, not in a dog bed being quiet, not cleaning up after lazy fuckers.

Entirely jux, it's great op is doing it on her own already, she has her own place away from them and is doing fine, so she can distance herself now from it. Start by saying no to Christmas, you woukd prefer it on your own doing nice things, instead if serving lazy men.

I fully understand why you wouldn't want DD around that idiot, but if your DM is helping you out with (free?) babysitting, I guess why shouldn't she help your brother with cleaning? If you have other options for childcare I would use them, but I'm not sure you can dictate what your mum does with DD if she's doing you a favour and you are happy to accept that favour

Eh??

Because her mum is treating her like a shit, and her granddaughter like crap.

The DM could say sorry lazy wanker shitty son, I have my GD today and she wants to bake, get of your lazy arse and do your own fucking cleaning.

op sounds awful, awful......

But do you have any other help or support????If not - its not that easy to distance yourself is it.

In that case I would be having a serious chat with your DM.

As ever on these threads I agree with everything Areoflot has said

Op you sound wonderful and its lucky your DD has you .

I would plan to spend xmas day with her alone, playing board games, watching films, and say to your Dm they are welcome to come to yours at some point.

end of.

Op, both you and your dd, and also your Mum deserve so so much more.

The men in your family are influencing how your dd sees men, and if the women in her life accept that treatment and do the running around after them your dd may accept shitty behaviour from her own future partners as it's what's she's been conditioned to accept and think it's normal.

I know that it's easy for me to say, and doing something to change the dynamics isn't easy and other posters will offer more practical help than I, but no child should spend Christmas being quiet in a dog bed, or running around after her up grown up adult uncles, I'd say invite your mum to yours and tell the men to fuck off and sort themselves out and you three have a lovely day, you all deserve better.

Thank iam just makes me so angry .

I'm very grateful for your responses! Sorry a long time replying, today I've booked appointment with dr for the new year once my dd is back at school, I have decided to go to parents Christmas Day, after we've done her presents from Father Christmas at home and she's had a good play (they eat at 2 ish) and have told mum I will happily help her but someone has to play with dd or I will and she will have to cook alone. It went down ok! She has tons of presents at my parents house from them and various other family members so will have lots to play with. I haven't broached the issues with my brother again as I feel that's something to do when I've had a bit of outside help to articulate it without getting emotional. Thank you all, I'm quite lonely here ATM, by two best friends live in South Africa and the Channel Islands respectively, and I'm a long way away from uni friends, school friends have all scattered and my mummy friends are on a whole different page to me, so it's more lovely than I can express, to have some feedback and feel like there's people in my corner. A very happy Christ,as to you all, and THANK YOU! Xx

OP your dd is a child and cannot make choices, you have to make the right choices for both of you, again yiu are exposing her to this behaviour and yiur vile Uncle. I am afraid that you are bringing your dd to behave like your mum and yourself. Go on Friday, but as soon as they start, you make sure you leave, or if dd is relegated to the dog bed or expected to clean after them, you say no sorry we're leaving. So your dd knows that you have her back, and that she does not have to put up with that. Grow some tits ineed.