Ainu to not want my dd around her uncle?

[Inneedofachat15]

Bit of background, I'm one of 5, 4 boys and me. They all work in the family firm, I don't as am a girl and can't (apparently) they were each brought a plot of land and building supplies through the company (Ie mum and dad) and built their own houses, their mortgage is less on their massive 4 bed houses than I pay in rent on my crummy small studio flat. My mum does all their cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, they pay for no cleaning products, washing stuff, she has them home to hers for every evening meal. One brother told me to it that he "couldn't stand me" because "you keep getting bigger and bigger", I have put on weight but he hated me when I was skinny, he regularly tells my dd that I'm a "shit mum" and a "fuck up" (so she tells me). He has so much free time to go work out etc, I'm a single mum and have zero time to myself, ever. Tomorrow I'm at work and dd is off school for the holidays, my mum is babysitting and what's mum doing with her? Taking her to my brothers house to clean! My mum never has dd in daytime, why can't she spend a few hours (4) playing with her only granddaughter?

And I just don't want my brother being around my dd, he taught her to use the c*%t word and is generally a mess up. I'm dreading Christmas Day and his hungover state!

There will be no dog bed, any hint of bad uncle emerging I am leaving, hopefully he will be his usual hungover comatose self so won't be nasty. I've also spoken to my grandma, my Mums mum, who despairs of my family life and is so much more upset how they treat my dd. She had had a word with my mum (again! Usually get a good three weeks after grandma has involved before my mum starts her nastiness again) . I have completely taken on board the advice as to how I am letting my daughter see women are allowed to be treated and never thought about it before but completely right. She will be no mans doormat x

That's good, you certainly sound a lot stronger, when your dd sees you standing up for her and you, it will help her become a stronger woman later and influence the type of partner she goes for. As soon as they rope dd into waiting on them, it's time fir you to leave.

what your brother said was absolutely shocking, disturbing, for that alone I would not want to be in the same area as him let alone expose a vulnerable child to his abuse as that what it was. Even if he is asleep, I would not want dd anywhere near him.

If he starts sprouting bile again, you leave. Only go to yiur parents if he not there.

OP - earlier you described your Dd as willful and getting into trouble with the family. She really doesn't sound it. Just make sure that you're not passing on their expectation that all women should act like silent slaves for them. Be careful that she doesn't see herself as a problem when they expect her to behave in a way which is totally unnatural for a young child. She should be able to get excited and play, not sit quietly and color. Wanting to have fun doesn't make her willful at all.

The men in your family are verbally abusive and you parents tolerate it. They sound like my family. I refused to be the doormat/whipping boy and left, so I'm the black sheep.

I feel so much better for it and I have never regretted it. I've never been well off but I didnt get an education or any financial help so I'm not any worse off.
You want your daughter to have a family. Is that what she has now? Wouldnt you prefer her to have a small but safe and loving family?

Inneed, you sound like such an impressive person, with your love for your daughter, carefully saving money for her, etc.

$30 per person is a very generous gift budget where I come from!

Your family doesn't "believe" in depression: how archaic of them. One wonders if they are similarly skeptical about electricity and indoor plumbing. Medication and psychotherapy are wonderful tools we have now and it is a great thing to use then when needed-I have done so and it made a huge difference to me.

When you are with these folks, and someone says anything horrible, just imagine that we are all standing beside and behind you, giving them the stink eye, or as my mom would say, "the hairy eyeball", and give 'em Hell!

Is your mum one of those who raised her boys as "mini-Gods?". Love your sons raise your daughters kind of thing? She sounds almost as bad an influence as your brother tbh, all that running around after her grown up male babies. As a mum there will be many times when you have to put your foot down and be strong for your child, and not be over-focused on your grown siblings. Is your mum preparing her for servitude tendencies or what?

Actually I don't understand why you agreed to your mum bringing your daughter to help clean up the house. You could have said no...but anyway Id rather have no babysitting at all than have all this mess around my child.

I know it's far easier said than done to distance yourself from family, especially as you are a loan parent but I do fear that you are allowing this archaic behaviour to enter your dd's life.
You can say all you like that you won't allow her to be a doormat, so surely she'll only learn that through what she sees and right now, she sees you going along with it all.
Sorry op but your dd is your responsibility and you have a duty of care to show her how things should be.
Having said that, I do hope that you and dd have a lovely Christmas

I agree, by even going there at Christmas, after what your brother said to you and made your dd call you horrible names, you are still exposing your dd to this toxic environment. Seriously, if my brother had done that, there is Noway we would be in the same house as him let alone spending what shoukd be a lovely and special day with them. Yes ineed you need to go to counselling to give you the tools to break free from this and to not take any rubbish. Your choices not only affect you but your dd, remember that!

Totally agree with kickassangel.

So glad your grandma sees it with sense. Spend more time with her if you can!

How are you today op! keep us updated. Your unpleasent brother will be there, so noway on earth would I or dd, I don't think its wise to expose her to somebody who clearly hates her mother and teaches her to swear at her mother.

I think you have done brilliantly! You have started to set boundaries over what is / what is not acceptable to you and communicate these to your mum. You have also made an appointment to see your doctor. This is great news.

Now all you need to do is stand firm with those boundaries. Have a plan for what you are going to do if your family cross those boundaries and make sure you are consistent and don't give in. Most of all surround yourself only with those people who respect you and love you. It is great that your gran has insight and can see what is going on...she could be a good source of support for you and that is what you need right now.

Have a lovely Christmas. Make it so. And don't let any one of your family ruin it for you and your DD. Easier said than done, I know, but with boundaries, it is vital to stick to them. Let your family know you mean business. It may shock them but it is the start of a better life for you. Please remember that you matter!!

Take great care.

Just a thought, and I don't know if I have missed it upthread, but where is your grandma going to be for Christmas?

How did it go ineed

I'm glad you are going to get help in the new year OP. I had PND twice, counselling and did a compassionate focused therapy course (something you could look into maybe!) And there was never any hint that I wasn't a capable mother. Your mother is nasty saying that to you. She wants to keep you in your place as much as the men do. Break away from the lot of them, I bet you would feel a hell of a lot better!

How was Christmas?

I would have suggested to stay home and invite the uncle your DD adores. And your grandma. They can come on the first or second day after Christmas, or whatever day their presence at your parents' home is not required.