To give them some space even though it means I'm alone over the festive period

[eatthebloodymincepie]

AIBU to realise that it's not about me at all, that family and friends need to spend time with their own family and friends and being alone isn't the worst that can happen?

but to secretly wish I had one thing to look forward to?

I have extended a friendly general open invite and I'm certainly not going to have the mortification of everyone knowing I am alone and friendless!

OP, you're not wallowing. Neither are you a martyr.

Volunteering would be a lovely thing to do. Might be a bit late now. I'd get in some lovely food, some nice wine, set up some good to via Netflix. Get out and walk for some fresh air.

I think it's a crap time for many people. There's such OTT hype and not everyone WANTS to "do" Christmas. There's real pressure to be deliriously happy and have loads of stuff to do. Not everyone does. Some by choice.

I didn't even start this thread but as someone who also has no choice about being alone I can see exactly why some of the responses have upset the OP.

If you can't empathise without trying to promote your own solutions I can't see why you'd post.

Oh good lord some of you have no clue.

So my friends are a mix of friends with husbands and small children and friends who are single and will be spending it with their own parents.

I did see my friends - last week. It just so happens there's not much on this week as friends are charging round with small children (and no, I'm not going to keep insisting I gatecrash activities like seeing Santa that are clearly for immediate family) or are travelling up down or over the sea to see parents. Some are going away, like my friend with the dog.

So it's really NOT about 'ooh I'm determined to have a bad Christmas' and actually yesterday I was a tiny bit sad and missing my mum and dad but okay - now I really AM upset ironically.

So I will ask again if we can leave it.

Thank you, sooty, and for the others who have been kind and who haven't decided they know my friendship circle better than me or decided to call me names.

I was by myself millennium night - I did get phone call from finance saying what a great time he was having up at his families. My family were busy though I seen them at Christmas and I was in middle of training course so had to be in area of UK I was working but knew no-one.

Felt whole world was celebrating and I was only one not - felt very lonely and that despite not being a particularly party person.

I felt at a loss when I had first DC - yes I had a baby and DH was around before and after work but the day felt long. I had to find structure - have plans for the day.

I'm not great at making plans, not a hobby person - DH always seems to have some activity waiting his attention he sort of stock piles them. Nor am I great at looking after and treating myself so unexpected time can feel like a burden.

I have found that having a plan helps - even if its for the odd morning. I know I'm really bad at cooking for just me - so having quick nice simple for one meals and nice desserts helps there.

I do have my family around me now and can feel overwhelmed by all the demands currently on my time in holidays but still wouldn't want two free weeks. Having said that when they are all busy I have time that hangs heavy on me and one of my new year resolutions is to try to fill it so I do more for me as well.

Hi OP - if you are looking after a friends doggie, don't underestimate how comforting or even fun that might be. It will also get you out and about for walks. People with dogs tend to stop for chats, and sometimes it can be rather lovely to engage with random people you don't know...

Any neighbours you vaguely know that you could invite over for a drink or a sausage roll or something?

Any overdue phone or skype catch-ups with old friends?

I wish you a Happy Christmas, it may turn out better than you're imagining.

The dog is a very awesome animal :)

Ah. If you are fond of that dog, I think things are definitely looking up!

Mince pie - the thing is you are coming across as very inward looking.

It really is arrogant of you to say that pps are smug by suggesting they would like 2 weeks on their own over Christmas ... Read the other threads fgs they are full of reasons why some unfortunate people want to be on their own at Christmas .

You feel it being on your own for two weeks. Then take the opportunity to perhaps volunteer in your hol ... Go and do some hospital visiting where a lot ofsick people have not seen anybody for two years because they are truly socially isolated.

Yes you've had bereavements - that must hurt - but we all have our hurts. Get out there over Christmas do something good over Christmas and count your blessings.

This thread has shown me that being alone is the one thing people can't bear to hear about.

If I was in a bad relationship or was struggling for some other reason no one would dream of sternly telling me that I needed to visit sick people in hospital or that I was responsible for my own unhappiness because I didn't invite people around (?) or that I should volunteer.

Do you know, if I was sick in hospital I can't think of anything I'd want less than some random person visiting me.

Anyway ... sigh, some of you won't get it, but I don't think you want to get it do you?

OP, I totally get it. More from me x

No one has told you that you are responsible, they are just making suggestions as to how you might mix with other people if you want to.

Also, no one is being 'stern'. The fact that so many people have bothered to offer suggestions should in itself show that people care and are just trying to help.

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling low, and that you feel attacked by some posters on the thread. I do think you may need to take some responsibility for the way the thread initially developed, though, by the phrasing of your OP, which sounded somewhat passive-aggressive in a 'don't mind me, get on with your busy Christmases, friends, I'll just sit here in the dark with my solitary mince pie' and by suggesting that you were in fact looking for some solutions from others, rather than just sympathy.

Perhaps you are under-estimating your friends, though. I could not be busier - I have a demanding FT job, will be working up until Christmas Eve and again on the 27th, DH ditto, plus a demanding small child and minimal childcare, and I am supervising a major house renovation (in the house we're living in) which has just hit a major snag, meaning that the kitchen area which we thought would be usable on Christmas day now won't be, and we'll be using a fridge and gas ring in the hall), and no one has done any food shopping at all - BUT we are still having a guest I barely know and DH has never met for Christmas dinner - a foreign colleague whose home country is too far to travel to. And another friend who finds Christmas difficult for the day on the 26th.

And - this is the relevant bit - I only knew they were going to be miserable being alone over Christmas because they told me. The colleague isn't from a background that celebrates Christmas, and because she is always making plans with other people in our department, I assumed (wrongly, as it turns out) that she would have had lots going on over the holiday. And the other friend, likewise someone with a considerable social life, asked if she could come and see us. Otherwise, I wouldn't have known. Don't you think your friends would do as much for you, if they knew you were unhappy?

Wow, OP. Again, I've only read your comments and not everyone else's so I'm not sure if everyone is being as awful as you're making them out them to be . . . but I sense not from the way you responded to my suggestion about volunteering. I wasn't sternly telling you anything . . . I was suggesting something you could do that might make you feel better.

Also, F.Y.I. Having a dog doesn't mean you can't volunteer. Dog's can be left easily for a couple of hours at a time and longer. Some people leave their dogs all day while they go to work.

Honestly I'm struggling to understand what it is you wanted from this thread? A whole bunch of 'Oh poor you' posts? You have had plenty of those, but you've been quite unpleasant to anyone who dare offer practical suggestions as to how you might improve your situation.

Oh dear, it's a hideously lonely time of year anyway isn't it.
You sound like you have a great circle around you, I'm one of the ridiculously busy friends you describe, but I would be devastated to think that I'd not 'fit you in' over that period of you being alone. I would urge you to tell even 1 or 2 of them.
Could/would you offer to do a bit of child / dog sitting and tell the owners that it's doable as you've got a period of down time? This may gently remind them, without you feeling humiliated ( which you've no need to btw)
Are you the type to embark on a project? I'm a yoga fan but would love to explore meditation more so would use the time to immerse myself in that and gin
Or speed learn a new language, you can open the door in Italian by 2nd Jan then!
New sport?
I just want the whole thing out the way having lost my beloved Dad last week .
Anyway, best wishes whatever you decide

When one of my friends split from her husband she came to us every Christmas with her children until she felt ready to have her first Christmas at home with them.

This year, likewise, a friend is coming to stay for a couple of days. In fact, we've had guests every year for the past ten years and the only reason has been because they asked.

So, yeah, Casta I agree. But OP says she/he has already asked and they are all busy. But perhaps you could plan ahead for next year OP and hopefully have a happier time?

I think we do 'get it' but as NoTimeforTossers (great name ) says, what exactly do you want from this thread?

It is not too late to volunteer, even if you have a dog; someone else said there is nothing much to do as shops are closed' - no they are not - I know, I work in retail !!! Even if you are not religious at least you can go to a service on Christmas Day and sing some carols and have company - you do not have to be alone unless you really choose to.

It sounds as the only thing you are prepared to do is to meet up with specific friends who already have other plans. And why did you take two weeks leave if you had no plans - do you have to have leave at this time of year?

I really have asked so many times now for people to drop it.

I actually think Fanjo nailed it a few pages ago, when she said 'it's not about you.'

It's NOT about whether you'd be devestated to think that one of your friends would be alone for Christmas. If I was the self pitying martyr I'm being made out to me I'd have told them, but I haven't. I am aware that some might try (notice those three words carefully, if you will) to fit me in but I also realise doing so would cause them inconvenience. They are tremendously busy, as, if you have family, Christmas just is. Unfortunately it's not for me. That's fine, I can live with that although sometimes it makes me a tiny bit sad.

What DOES upset me is not being alone for Christmas but:

ooh, I'd love two weeks alone!

OK, sure. You can get a phone call like the one I had telling you that your parents died. Happy? Let's imagine your partner, who you loved and you thought you'd spend the rest of your life together, sleeps with someone you thought was a friend because he couldn't cope with the stress of discovering you had to deliver a 19 week old baby. Who didn't survive. Obviously.

you haven't invited your friends round to you, so obviously you're alone!

Not all my friends are local. Coming to me would be expensive for them and I don't want to pressurise them. For the ladies who ARE local, they are either with young babies/children or they aren't local this Christmas - in other words they are going away either with partners or to see their parents. Both trips would obviously not be appropriate for me to invite myself along to.

volunteer/join Meetup/visit sick people in hospital

Volunteering is a really worthy thing to do, and I have done so in the past but just at the moment it isn't for me as I would only be able to dedicate myself during holidays and most places totally understandably do want a commitment year round. However I have signed up to join the Samaritans as a telephone volunteer but training doesn't commence until the end of January. Meetup is great and I've used it in the past but the issue isn't lack of friendships it's just that none happen to be around at present! I doubt any sick people in hospital will be specially cheered by my ugly mug looming over them when they're ill!

you started the thread badly so you deserve everything you get

Riiiiiight.

Anyway, I think I've covered all bases but you know - it'll still be All My Fault I am sure!

It sounds really shitty eat

I hope you do at least have a restful time and that things are brighter for you next year xx

I'm sorry OP, I wasn't being flippant about volunteering. I've done some in the past and it was just a thought.

I agree, there have been some harsh and unnecessary posts on here. I know how difficult it must be. I was a district nurse for many years and I visited so many people on there own, not all elderly.

Keep your chin up love x

Hi op

I don't have any advice or wise words to offer you, just wanted to say I can imagine how you're feeling. There's so much pressure to be happy and in a social whirlwind at Christmas that it can sometimes feel like you are the only person in the world who is having a lonely time.

This Christmas is my first without my dad, who died just weeks ago. Despite being really busy with activities for the dc and a few nights out planned, I feel sad and a bit lonely...almost as if I'm the only person who isn't feeling the Christmas vibe. I just wish it could be postponed for a few months.

So, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Try to remember on Christmas Day that you aren't the only one who is a little bit sad. Try to get out every day...a walk, a coffee in a cafe, a bit of sales shopping, and at least you'll be seeing other people. Sorry if that sounds trite-told you I had no wise words!- but it's just that I generally feel worse when I'm in the house alone. Too much thinking time!

I hope it's ok for you op . Roll on January eh?! X

But if you're not upset by being alone at Christmas, as you keep saying, but simply by the responses you have had...why start a thread in the first place?

One minute you're really sad about being alone. The next minute it's 'I'm not upset by being alone at Christmas'.

I am sorry if you are lonely. I do understand exactly how that feels. (and before I had children there was a lot of it) and it is truly crap.

If you don't like some of the responses, then maybe it would help to stop contradicting yourself because people are making the effort, but they don't get what the exact issue is.

This isn't an 'attack', it's an attempt to explain something. I hope it comes across that way, this time.

Has it occurred to you that it's possible to be a tiny bit sad about something? Not in a big boo hoo, woe is me, my world is collapsing but just a tiny bit regretful and sad?

I don't think it's contradicting myself to point out that it's more upsetting to be called names than be alone at Christmas.

I am so grateful to the supportive posters and would have thanked you earlier but was trying to let the thread die.

Hi there, OP, my name’s Dr Woof and I’m a dog.

Please excuse my typing if it’s not up to scrtach. These big paws weren’t designed for tapping on a keyboard.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to suggest you get a grip and plan a festive outing to the Dog Home to tend to less fortunate mutts.

Instead, let me just offer a little cyberspace doggish solidarity at a difficult time until the canine troops on the ground arrive.

And if you don’t really want to eat the bloody mince pie, can I have it? I’m blimmin’ starving!