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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give them some space even though it means I'm alone over the festive period

215 replies

eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 11:36

AIBU to realise that it's not about me at all, that family and friends need to spend time with their own family and friends and being alone isn't the worst that can happen?

but to secretly wish I had one thing to look forward to?

OP posts:
Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 14:27

Thanks - I thought I'd explained that I have tried to arrange some stuff but most of it actually happened last week, as it happens. The week just before and just after Christmas are hardest. I'm not meaning to be a martyr but I did think I'd get a bit of sympathy, not being told off Xmas Sad

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 20/12/2015 14:28

Depends. If you've been invited, go. But it sounds more to me as if you are someone who is used to doing or going to XXX and have been told this year that whoever usually hosts you would prefer to be elsewhere or entertain others? But maybe I've just been reading too many threads about families who have always entertained certain relatives and now want time on their own or want to see the other side of their family. Is that the situation? If so, it's sad that they feel they can't include you (DH's and my family always celebrated together) but people do have the right to do that.

I agree with PPs. Try to volunteer somewhere or do something for yourself. Is there a book you've been wanting to read or a box set you've been wanting to see? I'd be very sad to spend Xmas on my own, but I'd try to make the best of it, even if it wasn't a very good 'best'.

LeaLeander · 20/12/2015 14:30

Christmas Day they are busy but not for the whole two weeks!

Plan a pleasant day for yourself; it's hardly too late to shop for some indulgent food and drink and to plan a day of reading, TV, doing a project or pampering yourself.
And initiate some plans for after Boxing Day.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 20/12/2015 14:30

I realize I may sound a bit harsh. I don't mean to!

GoooRooo · 20/12/2015 14:31

I would be mortified if I thought any of my friends or family were on their own. Do your friends know?

Flowers for you OP. Being alone on xmas when you want to be is one thing, but being alone when you would really like something to look forward to is totally different.

I would totally not mind a friend asking to spend xmas with us and wouldn't consider it imposing at all.

LeaLeander · 20/12/2015 14:36

Do you have the funds to arrange a little travel adventure for yourself?

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 14:40

Everyone's different aren't they? Maybe no one you know is busy for the full two weeks, but circumstances at this end mean people are tied up.

I've a couple of friends going away, one moving home, a few with children's birthdays around the festive period, and with one thing and another it's just meant I won't really be seeing anybody.

I wouldn't dream of imposing or complaining. I was just having a little moment :)

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 20/12/2015 14:54

To be honest I would kill for two solitary weeks. Sorry not to minimize your situation but it sounds like Nirvana to some of us.

Is there any project you've wanted to tackle like learn a language or write a book or DIY in your flat or a craft or whatever you could immerse yourself in and make great strides in two weeks?
Could you do pet sitting or walk dogs for animal shelter?

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 14:55

No, you wouldn't lea

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 20/12/2015 14:59

Well, someone needs to invite you! Do they really know you are alone?

Also, I suggest volunteering for helping with the house move - bring some donuts and give them your help cleaning/moving stuff. Why not do the same with the children's parties? Say you're at a loose end and can you come along and give them a hand. It's not an imposition amongst friends - you'll be helping and having fun too.

Then they'll ask what you're doing for Christmas and might even extend an invite when you tell them you have nothing planned. I'd rather a friend told me they were alone so I could ask them if they wanted to come round than them be on their own! And I wouldn't find it an imposition - just another one to join the fun.

I've been there and it wasn't until just before Christmas it hit home I'd been on my own. Up til then I thought, 'oh it's just another day, I'll be fine'. Then thankfully I was invited to my bil's aunties last minute as my family realised I'd be alone otherwise (didn't want to make a fuss) and had a great time there, despite not having much to bring them as a gift in return.

honeyroar · 20/12/2015 15:00

It's not to late to go out and buy yourself festive treats and food. Don't wallow, make the best of a bad do. I know it's upsetting and I wouldn't like it. I've done Xmas at work alone in hotels a few times and taken Xmas stuff. It helped.

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 15:01

Rickety, there will be a big extended family helping - I would be in the way!

I know it can sound rather negative and I was a little taken aback by some replies so I don't want to open myself to more.

I'm a very friendly, kind, loving person, my family sadly are dead but I have lovely friends - BUT, I know that immediate family take priority at Christmas which is as it should be!

I've spent every Christmas alone since 2002 I think but this is the first one I'm not working (over the 2 week festive period I mean, not just the day) so it feels a bit weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 15:01

Please don't use words like wallow.

Spending Christmas alone hasn't upset me but being told I'm a wallowing martyr has.

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ricketytickety · 20/12/2015 15:02

Another suggestion - if you know anyone who goes to the pub on Christmas day arrange to meet them down there. They might realise then you're on your own and drag you home with them. No one would send you off on your own. They can't realise - some people can't fathom that others have noone to spend it with.

TheJiminyConjecture · 20/12/2015 15:02

Do people know you're going to be alone? I'm one of the people who has a dc with a birthday and we both have localish family. However, we don't have plans every day. The run up to the end of term was hectic but I'd definitely have time to meet for drinks/coffee or invite a friend over.

honeyroar · 20/12/2015 15:03

I wasn't meaning to upset you. I was trying to suggest doing something that helped me..

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 15:07

It was just the word wallow that did, a bit, the rest of the post was fine :)

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honeyroar · 20/12/2015 15:10

I wasn't meaning to say that you were wallowing, just not to, if that makes sense?

maisiewalker · 20/12/2015 15:12

You have my sympathy, if I had spent Christmas alone for over ten years I would be feeling pretty down too. I am widowed and my family are spread across the UK and beyond but I can at least go to any of them which is an option you obviously don't have. Two weeks alone is a long time. Have you thought of booking a short break away? I go away on them a couple of times a year to places in the UK I want to visit before I shuffle off this mortal coil! This year I went to Stratford and York and I much prefer to go on my own as I can do whatI want.

whippetwoman · 20/12/2015 15:14

Round my parents way there is a village that does a Boxing Day walk. I think it's a tradition in quite a few places. You could see if there's one near you as you can chat/walk and it's very pleasant.

I'm sorry you are going to be alone for two weeks. That's such a long time. I would be feeling very sad if that were me. If you're anywhere near the midlands and fancy some dog walking then PM me!

ricketytickety · 20/12/2015 15:14

I'm sure it does feel weird. Much as people say they'd love the space, actually I hate not having a plan that keeps me busy. When I was alone, I'd hate feeling like I could disappear and no-one would notice. The only way around it is to make yourself meet up with people - you have to take the lead I'm afraid and ask all and sundry to meet up with you - maybe a different person a day for hot choc, a drink down the pub, christmas eve drinkies round yours (kids invited?) etc etc. Only way to do it is bite the bullet, don't be embarassed and ask. I would hate my mate to be in your position. I'd much rather they just asked. We're so bleeding stiff upper lip - carry on and all that. Sod it. Reach out and ask.

LlamaLover · 20/12/2015 15:17

I get you. I've had Christmases all alone too and it's hard not to imagine everyone else having a jolly old time by the fireplace with their extended family.

Hugs x

momb · 20/12/2015 15:18

There's a community lunch in our village for anyone who's alone at Christmas: regulars take a dish, some additional food is provided by the organisers, and anyone who finds themselves at a loose end on Christmas day can just turn up. Is there anything like that near you that you could get involved with?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 20/12/2015 15:19

Op, I have three kids and one with a bday during the holidays. I still have quite a few days I'd be happy to meet up with a friend over Xmas. It would be a welcome relief to get away for a few hours for dinner or lunch and a few drinks.

Id hate to think of a friend alone. I'd just send a message saying hope use have a fab Xmas with the family, let me know if you fancy a catch up at any point. To the one who is moving id message the same except I'd say let me know if I can be of any help with the move, happy to pack or transport things between houses. I know you think you'd be in the way but really, with a house move, the more hands the better!

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 15:19

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that, maisie - must be a tough time for you.

I'm "watching the pennies" as my grandmother would doubtless have said :) so won't be going away; I also find I get very low if I'm away and alone. I'd rather not-wallow-at-home Grin

I'm definitely not embarrassed to ask people but at the same time I can't put my lovely friends in an awkward position as they really are busy this year!

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