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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give them some space even though it means I'm alone over the festive period

215 replies

eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 11:36

AIBU to realise that it's not about me at all, that family and friends need to spend time with their own family and friends and being alone isn't the worst that can happen?

but to secretly wish I had one thing to look forward to?

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 20/12/2015 17:01

I'm confused, too. I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely and agree it can be exacerbated at this time of year. Flowers

Cheerfulmarybrown · 20/12/2015 17:01

There are some hard core Mn on this thread Smile Just imagine telling them they had 2 weeks on their own but other people are socialising without them.

Eatthebloodymincepie 2 weeks must seem a long time to be on your own and it is a difficult time of year because you feel you can't just phone up a friend and arrange something as they may already have plans.

I don't feel you are wallowing at all just saying that the situation is making you feel a bit down (as it would many people!) I hope you can work out a way to enjoy your down time but do also give friends a ring I am sure they would love a respite from their celebrations to spend time with a friend.

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 17:04

Thank you. Yes, that was it: it just makes me feel a bit down. Actually I don't think I even feel down, it's more a sense of being cut off from the rest of the world.

I am genuinely sorry if people feel that I shouldn't have posted but I'm not going to make my friends feel uncomfortable by insisting they host me!

OP posts:
SorrelForbes · 20/12/2015 17:05

Wine from me. I've just found out that my DH won't be home for Christmas and, due to complicated transport issues around collecting him when he does get back, have had to cancel pretty much all our arrangements.

I will be spending Christmas day with family but apart from that have absolutely no other plans. I've asked around and made suggestions for meet ups etc. but people are so vague and non-committal in their responses due to their busy schedules that I've given up trying to organise anything now. I honestly think that they just don't realise how hard it is to be on your own.

ontheedgeofnewdawn · 20/12/2015 17:08

I haven't read the whole thread but several places near me are doing a Christmas day meal and entertainment for anyone who is lonely at Christmas.

StoptheRavelry · 20/12/2015 17:09

It's fine to feel sad and there is no reason not to have posted about that. It's just it came across rather as though you were blaming your friends for forgetting about you.

That's a path that gets you nowhere. It sounded resentful even if you didn't mean it to?

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 17:09

Thank you so very much for understanding sorrel. I was staring to wonder if I had an exceptionally reticent circle of friends!

OP posts:
Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 17:10

Stop - I wasn't. You may have read that into my posts but that doesn't mean it was there.

You got it wrong, fine, happens, but if you could leave it now I'd appreciate it. I'm finding it tough enough right now without having to defend something I didn't even say to a stranger!

OP posts:
StoptheRavelry · 20/12/2015 17:11

As you wish

SorrelForbes · 20/12/2015 17:11

I don't think your OP sounded resentful or as if you were blaming anyone. You were just acknowledging that people are, understandably, tied up with their existing plans.

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 17:13

Thanks sorrel - I wasn't :) Hope your Christmas goes well!

OP posts:
SorrelForbes · 20/12/2015 17:18

And yours too! I'm planning to re start the 30 day shred and drink my way through a bottle of sloe gin Grin.

If you like the theatre, BBC4 are screening 'Gypsy' with Imelda Staunton on the 27th. Definitely one to watch!

SuperFlyHigh · 20/12/2015 17:20

I hear you OP. I go round to my mum and stepdads house every Christmas for the festive period, stay if necessary (but they live nearby so often I go home).

DB spends 2 weeks with his DWs family who live at the other end of the country. My DM is bit upset by this and they've suggested we stay but I can't see DM and stepdad doing this. In fact it caused problems this year as DB wanted to put his foot down as he goes every year. I went one year when DM and DSD were ill with flu but otherwise not.

I did plan to go to Barcelona the year we had the Gatwick airport shutdown so we didn't end up going at all - but did decamp to a nice hotel with spa for Xmas in countryside which actually was really nice and a bit different.

Friends generally have their own families if they're single or not you can't just force yourself on them!

My parents are inviting (prompted by me) a friend of mine who they've met and had over for dinner at their house and my flat who's really nice and is foreign so often alone at Xmas (though she's in Berlin until Boxing Day this year) - that in a sense is nice as I'll spend time with both of them but also with someone friendly. My flat is nice but only 2 people there over Xmas does get a bit lonely!

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 20/12/2015 17:21

You didn't sound resentful at all to me op, not at all Flowers

poocatcherchampion · 20/12/2015 17:21

OK people who are lonely I've got a big family but have plenty of time for meet ups in the next few weeks. Dh is working as normal this year so it is like normal with 3 preschoolers but without our schedule of activities.

We have only one thing on before Christmas and nothing from next Monday.
Call meeeeee!

I need help

ilovesooty · 20/12/2015 17:23

If you aren't on your own year after year I think it's difficult to understand what it's like.

I'm lucky to have booked to go away and I've only got four days off anyway.

I think the lead in to it is really hard. I've not left the house or spoken with anyone this weekend (yes I am saving for the holiday I know) but I'm beginning to see the compensations when I see all the angst about preparations and things to buy. At least I haven't got that to worry about.

I still think people who suggest enjoying the peace and quiet or reaching out to other people mean well but miss the point.

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 17:25

Thanks sooty, thanks those who understand

OP posts:
Judydreamsofhorses · 20/12/2015 17:31

i understand how you feel, OP. I've had a few Christmas days alone and while it was nice to do what I wanted (long bath, M&S food, pyjamas all day, my pick of the telly) I did feel quite sad at times - it's hard not to think about other people having lovely days with family. I had actually been invited to friends' houses, but felt like I'd be imposing and declined. I made sure I had lots of things planned for the rest of the holidays, even if it was just nipping out for a quick coffee with a friend. My circumstances are different now, and DP and I are hosting Christmas - I've invited a single friend to join us because she would otherwise be on her own, and I'm really glad she's coming.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 20/12/2015 17:35

You must have plans for the next two weeks though surely? Getting out the house, doing stuff that interests you? Or staying in the house doing stuff that interests you if you prefer... Try to focus on what you are doing that's fun - it's not the same as company (I wouldn't know - I don't care much for that!) but it's a distraction at least.

Robertaquimby · 20/12/2015 17:36

OP I understand too. People who say they would love to spend Christmas alone (but they're not) are just being really crass. Fine to be alone if that is what someone chooses but most people would find it hard to be alone for two weeks at this time of year.

I hope you have some things to look forward to later in the year.

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 17:37

Loads later in the year; it's just actual Christmas.

It's very busy and very expensive at this time of the year which isn't saying I won't ever leave the house but it's not an easy time is all.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 20/12/2015 17:39

There is a big difference between "demanding that people host you" and issuing an invitation to a mutually agreeable outing such as nature hike, coffee, film, drinks, window shopping or whatever you like to do when out with friends. Or invite people to your home for cocktails or cocoa and snacks. That's what people are trying to advise you - to be less passive and wistful and instead initiate something. Don't just assume no one has time for you.

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 17:44

I realise that lea, I think most people do, but if people politely explain they just can't fit it in or when you know that they will to be kind but it will cause them inconvenience, then to insist on it would be demanding.

OP posts:
iwannadancewithsomebody · 20/12/2015 17:49

OP, I understand too.

My DH won't be home for Christmas so it's me and DC (under 5). Parents and PIL have been great and we will have a busy day on Christmas day itself however when I suggest to my siblings/cousins/other inlaws doing something, it's always vague as others have already mentioned and non committal which really annoys me, considering they know our circumstances.

I too appreciate that others are busy this time of year however should anyone find themselves in my position I wouldn't hesitate to meet up with them or invite them over. Yet there's nothing forthcoming from people I'm meant to have support from.

Can you not organise a night in at yours invite everyone over who you would normally see, those moving house, those with kids. It may well be a welcome distraction for them and something to keep you busy? They may not accept the invite or they might just surprise you.

Don't get too down either, easier said than done I know Flowers

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 20/12/2015 17:51

But Christmas is only a day, really. Shops are open on boxing day, museums / art galleries / NT properties are open between Christmas and NY (well, most of them round here - not London). The countryside is open for walks / cycling all year round. It's not too late to buy yourself nice food to cook if you're the sort of person who find that fun, or to go the library and pick yourself up some interesting books, or pick up a project for a hobby you enjoy...

I'm not trying to piss on your feeling sad about being alone, I'm just trying to focus on the "wishing you had something to look forward to" side of things. There are loads of fun things to do you could look forward to which don't require a buddy. I hope you find something that can give you some structure to the next few weeks and get you through it with your sanity more or less intact.