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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give them some space even though it means I'm alone over the festive period

215 replies

eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 11:36

AIBU to realise that it's not about me at all, that family and friends need to spend time with their own family and friends and being alone isn't the worst that can happen?

but to secretly wish I had one thing to look forward to?

OP posts:
Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 17:56

Absolutely, and there are things you can do alone but you're still alone.

I can't explain it any more than that. It's just lonely, whether you're in Rome or Rugby :)

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 20/12/2015 17:58

"This could be Rotterdam or anywhere, Liverpool or Rome..." Flowers

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 20/12/2015 17:58

I dunno... I imagine it's pretty hard to feel alone in a scrum...

Sorry. I resort to bad jokes when I have nothing constructive to say...

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 20/12/2015 18:06

eatthebloodymincepie - I hear you and get it. I posted something similar about two weeks ago and got a lot of the same sort of quite thoughtless responses you've had.

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 18:08

Am relieved it's not just me seth!

OP posts:
AliceScarlett · 20/12/2015 18:39

YANBU to give them space. I can see how you would not want to intrude.

I do think you could do a couple of things with a few people over the holiday season if you really wanted too.

Headmelt · 20/12/2015 18:50

Flowers eat, I read some of the posts and thought Jeanne Mac! It's Christmas, cut op some slack. It's a very lonely time for some being alone Sad and (for some on mn) it's a miserable one with people they don't like very much such as ils Grin. Maybe the next time you are speaking about Christmas to friends and family, don't hide the fact that you are alone for Christmas. They may have assumed you were spending it elsewhere or with others. You won't be guilting them, just letting them know you don't have other plans.

My df worked in the ED(Emergency Dept) in a Hospital and the staff used to have some elderly "regulars" who used to come in every Christmas Day. The staff said the "Regulars" had no one to spend the day with and just wanted someone to talk to someone on Christmas Day. Sad

yorkshapudding · 20/12/2015 20:35

OP, I think you've had some strange responses but I wonder if it's because a lot of people feel a bit uncomfortable when it comes to the subject of lonliness. I've noticed it in real life too, whenever somebody hints at being lonely, people can be quite dismissive in their response or basically imply that it's their own fault. Maybe it's because they don't know what to say.

I understand your predicament when it comes to making plans with people at typically 'family-oriented' times because there's a fine line between being proactive and feeling like you're being pushy. What I would suggest though is that, when it's all over, if friends or relatives ask "how was your Christmas?", be honest. You don't have to get the violin out, just tell them that it was fine but a bit too quiet as you had two weeks off work so more time on your hands than usual. If one of my friends said something like this, I wouldn't make a big thing of it, but I would read between the lines and make a mental note to plan something with them (even if was just a lunch date in between Christmas and New Year or something) next year. A lot of people feel the need to put a brave face on these sort of things and in doing so, might give the impression that they don't mind being on their own so your friends and family may not realise it bothers you.

I do hope you have a nice Christmas, even if it isn't quite what you hoped for Flowers

Sazzle41 · 20/12/2015 20:38

OP, could you not met up with friends for coffee, lunch or anything during the two weeks? Or you could pet sit next year if it bothers you being alone? That's what I've done, just google the petsit sites. I'e no family, had a very tough year and I cant wait for 10 days in posh house with furry friends to fuss over. And going off some conversations overheard, lot of people dread 'family xmas' for varying reaons. I will get a free hol and a fix of doggie company that landlords forbid me normally, bliss.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/12/2015 20:39

Hey I'm sorry to hear you feel lonely OP. It's a hard time of year. I am feeling pretty overwhelmed with too much to do but can still sympathise.

Those who are moaning saying they would love two weeks of not seeing anyone...it's not all about you!

Hope you get some good suggestions OP of things to do. Thanks

Wombatinabathhat · 20/12/2015 21:03

OP Thanks I can see why you feel sad at having nothing planned at this time of year. I hope something unexpected turns up, however, I think I would text my friends with a "let me know if you fancy coffee/wine over the festive period. I've nothing planned' type of message

yorkshapudding · 20/12/2015 21:07

Wombat, that's a good idea. Stuff gets cancelled, relatives who planned on visiting come down with the flu, many families start to get on each others nerves after a while and some of your friends might be desperate for a break by the 27th!

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 20/12/2015 21:22

Oh yes, have done that and am sure some will. Thanks so much for the slightly more supportive tone to the posts. They make me feel cheerier and less alone!

OP posts:
HelloItsMeAgain · 20/12/2015 21:30

Yes to Wombat's idea. We have a lot (a lot a lot) of stuff going on with DH's family. Which is enormous. And they are all lovely. But sometimes I get overwhelmed by it all over Christmas and would love to escape with a friend of mine if they were at a loose end. I would not issue the invitation myself - not because I want some space, but because I kind of am guilty like so many others, of just assuming everyone is busy.

I am trying to think of all our single/possible alone friends to see if there is anyone I could pop a text to.

If you were my friend I would be very happy to get a text like Wombats.

LizzieVereker · 20/12/2015 21:45

Hi OP, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling lonely, and that I don't think you sound like a martyr at all. I think it's very brave to admit to being lonely, actually.

It does sound as if circumstances have just combined so that you've been "left out" at the present. You also sound thoughtful and kind, so I'm sure it's not "you", and I hope things turn around for you soon. Flowers

I hope you enjoy your peaceful Christmas as much as possible Chocolate [santa]

Notimefortossers · 20/12/2015 21:46

Sorry I've not read the whole thread, but have read your posts OP. Don't know if anyone's suggested it, but what about volunteering with some kind of good will project locally?
A local church of mine puts on Christmas Dinner at the community centre for people who otherwise wouldn't have one, or there's homeless shelters, visiting the elderly? There's lot's of things like that going on this time of year if you look into it.
Would give you something to do, mean you wouldn't be alone, you'd probably enjoy it and it would be incredibly rewarding

MsVestibule · 20/12/2015 22:10

I know it's too late this year, but if you can manage to save enough between now and next year, do consider going away on a singles holiday. I was going to be by myself one Christmas a few years and so decided to go skiing (although there are loads of cheaper, UK based holidays).

I did wonder 'what sort of saddos will I meet?', but they were all lovely (me included Wink). We all had our own reasons for being alone at Christmas and being on holiday with strangers didn't seem odd, or second best, at all. I used Solos and Explore.

I know what you mean about not being too pushy, and TBH, I'm surprised that none of your friends have offered to meet up with you. They seriously can't commit to meeting up for a few hours when they know you'll be by yourself for two weeks?

In the long term, could you extend your social circle to include other single people? I lived by myself for 16 years, and although I did have 'serious' relationships in that time, I really wish I'd used that time to do stuff where I would meet other people, e.g. hill walking. But perhaps that's a thread for another time Smile.

Rachel0Greep · 20/12/2015 22:17

Just sending you a hug, OP. Flowers. It must be difficult, being alone, when there is so much emphasis on family fun and festivity, in general.
Spoil yourself in some little way, on Christmas Day, some little treat, whatever it might be, and then, do send out a few texts, and I bet some of your friends will be delighted to meet up, over the two weeks.

I wonder if any of them realise that you will be alone. I know people can be busy, but I am sure they would hate to realise afterwards, that you had been alone on Christmas Day.

CockwombleJeff · 20/12/2015 23:06

Mincepie

You can be in a room full of people and still feel alone.

IamtheZombie · 21/12/2015 01:15

Zombie will be at her in laws for Christmas. It would seem a lot more festive and natural if they bothered with her for any of the other 364 days of the year.

Original poster
eatthebloodymincepie · 21/12/2015 06:18

Yeah, I know cockwomble, but it wasn't what the thread was meant to be about.

OP posts:
ChestyNut · 21/12/2015 06:59

Flowers for you OP

Some MNetters have obviously missed the whole season of goodwill thing.

Ragwort · 21/12/2015 07:53

eat - unless I've missed your reply several posters have suggested volunteering on Christmas day, or at some time during your time off - have you considered this? I know it doesn't suit everybody but you wouldn't be alone and often meeting other people in difficult circumstances can make your own situation feel a little easier.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/12/2015 08:02

I can absolutely understand that dread at a two week stretch with nothing to fill it. It is so hard, much Flowers to you.

Things I have found that help are: planning to go out at least once a day- dropping off Christmas cards, walking dogs of friends that are busy, dropping off small gifts for friend's children, walking to shops, and taking photographs of pretty things that catch my eye.

My life is very busy now, but there was a time when it felt so empty. Making myself feel busy was the best way to feel normal in the absence of human company.

I hope you have a lovely day today.

hesterton · 21/12/2015 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.