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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil using the name she prefers for our dd

218 replies

ollieplimsoles · 19/12/2015 00:57

Ok I know this topic has been done to death but its really starting to piss me off and I need to know if we should do something now or let it lie and see if it passes.

So we had dd (our pfb) 7 weeks ago and we gave her a name dh chose. Its quite a long name and has a few possible shortenings. We decided on the shortened version we would like for her and started introducing her as that.

Mil liked dds name but said our shortening was too 'fussy' so she started using another possible short version that she preferred... She refers to dd using this name and talks about her to friends and relatives using her preference also.

Aibu to think this is ridiculous and she should call dd the name we use? Or do shortenings even mean anything? We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway as it is the full version of the name that is on her birth certificate.

But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her?

OP posts:
SheGotAllDaMoves · 19/12/2015 18:43

Not at all bertrand.

I adored my Dad and gave DD his sister's name even though I had never met her because it made him ridiculously happy ( and it was pretty).

The nick name was sweet too. And years later when DD came up with the title of a friends novel ( for little girls) my friend asked to dedicate the book to her and the name used is that nick name.

So that name not only lives on through my DD but for posterity in a book. So lovely.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 19:03

"But Bert your example really illustrates that, under the circumstances, you didn't have an issue with the name his cousins used. The OP does have an issue and her wishes should be respected."

I did have an issue. I hated it then and hate it now. And I really love his proper name. But I don't think I own him. He belongs to lots of people. Including people who give him a nickname out of an American sitcom.

RaspberryOverloadingOnTurkey · 19/12/2015 19:13

For all the people saying the OP IBU as different nn will get used when the child is older, I think they are missing something.

The OP's child is just a few weeks old, and at this point the name or short form to be used should be the one bestowed by the parents.

Once the child is older, then other nn will come into play, but only if the child actually likes them. If they don't they'll happily correct people.

My DD is known by a shortened version of her name, but she corrected some people when they tried to used a different one as she didn't like it. I had the same issue when I was young.

So I don't think OP IBU right now, especially as MIL has form for controlling behaviour. I don't feel the OP is being controlling, as her child is not yet in a position to make decisions about their own name just yet.

LeaLeander · 19/12/2015 19:23

I don't think anyone believe the MIL is being reasonable, it's just that you have to deal in reality and pick your battles. Is it really worth a big to-do? If she wants to refer to the child as "Daisy" when the parents call it Margaret, or whatever, does it really do that much harm? yes the parents are within their rights to object but who wants to waste their life energy on something that petty?

What if she called it "Lovey" or "Precious" or "Sweetie" or some sort of non-name nickname? Would that be as much of a problem? Just think of Daisy or Betsy or whatever it is as a generic term of endearment.

Everyone knows who the babies parents are; there is no need to underscore "ownership" by getting worked up over something innocuous that will correct itself in due time.

I also like the tactic of saying sweetly "Mother Smythe, we are becoming very worried about you. The baby's name is Lizzie, not Betsy, as we have reminded you numerous times. DH and I would like you to see the doctor about your memory problems."

cigarsofthepharaoh · 19/12/2015 19:45

My grandparents did this to me. I have a very long complicated and unusual name and my parents chose a shortening of it. My grandparents chose a totally different shortening and insisted the whole side of the family called me that. My parents just rolled over and it was really confusing for me, having to spell three names, answer to three names, etc.

When I was 20, I finally put my foot down. Only one member of the family accepted this. Please nip this in the bud. Im a full grown adult and I still have to answer to a name which isnt mine. A name is a very personal thing and until your daughter chooses Nellie, she should be Penny.

Kr1stina · 19/12/2015 20:31

Some posters seem to be mixing up completely different things

  • siblings or cousins developing pet names for each other eg Jamie's cousins call him Jojo
  • children at school using nick names eg Jamie's football team call him Renaldo
  • Jamie as a teenager deciding he wants to call himself J
  • auntie calling baby Jamie " my pudding "
  • granny ( who has a history of being controlling and obstructive ) ignoring a clear instruction that his name is James ( known as Jamie) and deciding that she will call him Jimmy and tell everyone that's his name

Most people would not object to the first four but they would to the fifth . It's not just the action, it's the motive . It's clearly being done to put the parents in their place .

Toria2014 · 19/12/2015 20:47

Haven't read the whole thread, but my Mother has done this with my daughter. Right from the get go she was determined to use a shortened version of her name that I never will (and don't really like). I refer to my daughter by the shortened version of her name that we chose and just let my Mum get on with it. It does irk me slightly, but I figure when my daughter is old enough she'll either set her straight herself or not bother!

I have a good relationship with my Mother, all things considered, and I am sure her doing the name thing is not bourne of malice, just a bit strange really, and annoying.

Theworldmakesnosense · 19/12/2015 21:15

Your MIL is a bell end. My daughter has a double barrelled name starting with Lily. The shortened version being Lily. I said I didn't wish her to be called Lil. Lo and behold my arsehole of a MIL started calling her Lil just to piss me off. The cunt.

AlisonWunderland · 19/12/2015 23:38

So MIL calls Penelope by the nickname Nellie rather than Penny as you prefer.
She tells others that she has a new Granddaughter called Nellie.
So they now assume your daughter's full name is Eleanor or Helen...

DixieNormas · 19/12/2015 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CakeMountain · 20/12/2015 02:21

I think it depends how your MIL normally is. It does sound controlling and rude. Our son has a shortened name - I don't even like the long version, but we ran out of names. If people use the long version I tell them he doesn't answer to it and won't know they are talking to him - it gets easier once they are not babies.

Narp · 20/12/2015 06:52

I think your MIL is being really rude, actually.

Narp · 20/12/2015 06:53

And yes. It sounds as if she is doing this deliberately to stamp her authority

MimiSunshine · 20/12/2015 07:48

For everyone saying it's not worth the fallout and insinuating it's precious to vocalise you're bothered. Are you missing the fact that Nellie isn't just the MILs cute nickname, she is actively telling people that's the child's name.

It's not, it's Penny, long form Penelope. If she was being cute she'd tell people the real name and explain Nellie is just her cute nickname for her.

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2015 08:27

"Your MIL is a bell end........ I said I didn't wish her to be called Lil. Lo and behold my arsehole of a MIL started calling her Lil just to piss me off. The cunt."

Well, if I were your MIL I might find myself doing things to piss you off......Hmm

RideEmCowgirl · 20/12/2015 08:36

So OP what are you going to do?

crabb · 20/12/2015 08:37

In what universe is 'Penny' a fussy shortening of Penelope?? She must be making some kind of point.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2015 08:55

It is all a control issue and I am surprised that everyone feels the need to exert it when the power lies in completely ignoring it and making it a non issue.
These things resolve themselves once the baby is a personality with opinions.
It is like a child and eating - it is about control and not food so the answer is not to make it an issue and don't give them the attention.
This is about control and not names. My advice is don't make it an issue- they are getting lots of attention from it.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2015 08:56

If you are trying to make a point there is nothing quite so annoying as being completely ignored!

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2015 09:04

If anyone questions you about MIL's choice you just say, with a smile' - she has some odd ideas but we just humour her'.

SkodaLabia · 20/12/2015 09:25

Hhm, nothing wrong with Penny, plenty wrong with Nellie. That's the problem with long names, though, there are bound to be people who shorten it in a way you don't like. Really off of your DM to ignore your wishes.

I love Lucian, nn Lulu, and can see why you didn't put it on the BC MrsKoala Grin, but it sounds like your nn arrived organically. I still don't get the people who contrive a nn before their child is born.

ShelaghTurner · 20/12/2015 09:34

Penny is a beautiful name. Nellie sucks.

And while I was prepared to give your MIL the benefit of the doubt, I've changed my mind. It's not like James/Jamie/Jim where both are accepted nicknames. On what planet do you get Nellie from Penelope?? That's utterly contrived and done for sheer bloody awkwardness.

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2015 10:36

If you put Nellie on a baby name thread everyone would say it was lovely. Guaranteed.

clam · 20/12/2015 10:41

Maybe so. Lots of similar names are coming back into fashion.

But for me, Nellie will always be either "Nellie the Elephant" (song) or my childhood neighbour's nan, who lived with them and always forgot to put her teeth in when she wandered outside in her carpet slippers to chat to people.

KurriKurri · 20/12/2015 10:52

I've never heard Nellie as a diminutive for Penelope- only people I've met called Nellie or Nell it has been short for Helen.

Nellie is totally unlike the name you have chosen - your MIL is being quite unpleasant and very odd.