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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil using the name she prefers for our dd

218 replies

ollieplimsoles · 19/12/2015 00:57

Ok I know this topic has been done to death but its really starting to piss me off and I need to know if we should do something now or let it lie and see if it passes.

So we had dd (our pfb) 7 weeks ago and we gave her a name dh chose. Its quite a long name and has a few possible shortenings. We decided on the shortened version we would like for her and started introducing her as that.

Mil liked dds name but said our shortening was too 'fussy' so she started using another possible short version that she preferred... She refers to dd using this name and talks about her to friends and relatives using her preference also.

Aibu to think this is ridiculous and she should call dd the name we use? Or do shortenings even mean anything? We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway as it is the full version of the name that is on her birth certificate.

But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her?

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 19/12/2015 12:14

"Please forgive my mother-in-law, she's having a wangsty moment and refusing to use the right name. Ignore her and she'll grow up eventually. Now, how are you all doing? Ready for Christmas?" is a totally viable sentence to use to friends and family she tried to misinform for the next week though:o

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 12:18

"Nobody in real life dictates nicknames and shortens. I never seen anyone announce name then a known as, i dont think i would like people like that much any way"

Prince Charles and Lady Di did.

But it really doesn't matter even slightly. I tend to use my children's full names, or their baby pet names. Other people call them lots of other things-it doesn't matter. Children have lots of different relationships with lots of different people. And sometimes those people will use different names for them. It would be controlling in the extreme to try to interfere with this.

MrsKoala · 19/12/2015 12:19

It is completely normal and traditional to give people longer names on their birth certificate and then use a recognised shortening. Especially when children were named after family members, then different shortenings would be used.

I think it's utterly bizarre that people think that if you have a long 'official' name but use a shortened version of it, that they get to decide to use any other shortening they desire.

So if i was called Elizabeth, and used Liz as my name someone could just choose to call me Eliza, Lizzie, Liza, Beth, Betty, Bet, Brenda...? And i should say 'oh well, nothing i can do - it is a recognised version of my long name' ?

I once had an odd conversation with a colleague which went:
Col - Elizabeth Elizabeth Elizabeth, is that your full name?
Me - Well yes, My long name. But my name is Liz. The name i am known as is Liz.
Col - I'm going to call you Betty...
Me - why? It's not my name.
Col - But it could be.
Me - Well, yes. But so could lots of things...
Col - I'm going to call you Betty from now on.
Me - Please don't. It's not my name.
Col - But i like it. I think it suits you.
Me - But it isn't my name... Confused
Col - Betty Betty Betty.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 19/12/2015 12:24

Both sides of our family, and everyone else we know, had no issue with our Katherine being Kate from day one. Although I get that Katie and Kath are recognised shortenings too, I dislike both and absolutely would have said 'she's Kate, not Katie' and expected that to be the end of it!

SquidTableau · 19/12/2015 12:28

OP no good news for you as I have had this issue with my MIL and my DD is now 3...

We named her (not her real name) Elizabeth and called her Lizzie, but this evolved to Lily before she was 5 months old. MIL made it very clear she hated the name Lily, and made sure her side of the family used Lizzie. I ignored this, and used Lily, until DD was old enough to tell people 'that's not my name!' so now MIL calls her 'Lizzie - oops, did I say that, Lily' every. damn. time. we see her!

Although, we have just received a card from her, 'to dear Lilie', a very deliberate misspelling, but DD already knows how her name looks and has said it's wrong. So I'm waiting for DD to tell her that herself now. Its just pointless power play. My parents hate both shortening btw so have always used Elizabeth, no problem with that as that's still DD's name as on the birth certificate and DH has even suggested to MIL if she has such a problem with Lily, why not just use the full first name! Argh.

gruffaloshmuffalo · 19/12/2015 12:36

I had something similar. My fil would call my eldest a short name, for example say his name was Ethan, he'd call him Eeth. Made no sense. So when I heard it I'd use ds1s name in full the next sentence.

With ds1 2 he ended up Henry because I wanted Henry and dh wanted to call him Harry. I told him Harry was a nickname of Henry so we could call him Henry but Harry for short. We've never called him Harry. It's either Henry, or Henry Hen Hen, or just Hen. Names are weird

bruffin · 19/12/2015 12:38

See Mrs Koala that would not bother me at all, Certainly not worth pullying someone up on it. I never refer to my self by a shortened name, but every one shortens it.

Lweji · 19/12/2015 12:39

MrsKoala

Did that conversation end up as
You: in that case I'll start calling you dickhead. Is that OK?

SkodaLabia · 19/12/2015 13:01

I've never understood why people don't just name their children the name they are actually going to use.

If you like the name 'Beth', why didn't you just call her that?

MrsKoala · 19/12/2015 13:08

Skoda - I think sometimes you name a child a 'full' name and then over the first few weeks a shortening sticks and you choose that. One of my ds's is Lucian. But we call him Lulu, and so does everyone. I wouldn't have put Lulu on his BC, but Lulu is how we introduce him, and Lulu is his name. I also think it's good to have 'official' names for formal purposes.

Lweji - i probably should have, but i just looked like Hmm as he pranced around the office saying Betty Betty Betty in a singsong voice (Elizabeth is not really my name btw). He didn't use it again after that tho. Maybe he realised what a dick he was. Grin

Lightbulbon · 19/12/2015 13:12

If you don't want people to use a nn of a name don't give that name at all!

I purposefully rejected baby names I liked because they had nns I didn't like and knew had common sense that I couldn't ever control what people called DC.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 13:18

I've never understood why people don't just name their children the name they are actually going to use.

If you like the name 'Beth', why didn't you just call her that?"

Maybe control freaks do. Others like the idea of the child having choices. And -shock- maybe like the idea of their child having relationships with people not mediated through the mother parents.

Winterqueen · 19/12/2015 14:35

I have this exact same problem. Mil even told her relatives the baby was called the shortened version. We have been given personised gifts with the nickname on from family who are shocked when we introduce the baby and call her by her proper name. I am watching this thread for advice!

honeylulu · 19/12/2015 14:37

I'm an Elizabeth and always known by the "usual" nickname. However I also know someone who called her daughter Elizabeth but stated she was to be known as Betsey. You wouldn't believe the amount if rude people who said "oh, Betsey is silly, you'll have to shorten it to Lizzie". Er, no, her parents don't have to do any such thing. I often don't personally like names people choose for their children but it's rude to say do.I just say "that's nice" like Mrs Brown!
Though I will admit here that I hate it when people give their children diminutive names on their birth certificate. That may make me a name snob but it doesn't do any favours. A lot of old school professions (like the one I work in) will turn their noses up at "chavvy" names like diminutives, wackily spelt versions and unnecessary punctuation. If you want the world to be your child's oyster, why make it harder for them?

honeylulu · 19/12/2015 14:39

I mean turn noses up when seeing them on the cv, meaning the poor appliCant is binned at stage 1.

Gatehouse77 · 19/12/2015 14:48

If your MIL is a control freak and doing this to provoke a reaction, the best thing you can do is ignore it.

If people directly ask you why MIL is calling your DC by another name just shrug your shoulders and say you don't know so suggest they ask her directly. Basically, just keep,putting back onto her so she has to explain her stance and not you.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/12/2015 14:48

Yes, of course MIL is being daft about this. There is a world of difference between a different shortening/nn developing between DD and her friends when she is older and an adult deciding to use a name you don't like straight from birth!

I agree with others than DD will start to correct her granny herself once she is old enough to do so. Until then she'll probably just wonder why Granny keeps calling her something other than her name! Of course "Betty" and "Liz" are diminutives of the same name - but it will take a young child quite a while to understand that concept. To start with "Liz" will just sound plain wrong if she knows her name is "Betty".

With an example given previously - Emma-Lemma and Gracie for Grace, at least the basic sound is still there. DD is 4 and people do call her various pet names, but all include the basic sound of her name so she knows everyone is talking to her still - think Poppy, Pops, Popsical, Popsy, Pop-Pop etc. etc.

In regards to how to 'handle' MIL, I would probably just keep using DD's correct name (short version) in MIL's presence, write DD's correct name on thank you cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards etc. etc. to everyone else (as you would do anyway) and in time everyone will know exactly what DD is known as.

I think if the shortened names were very similar like Becca & Becky, it would matter a lot less. Or not at all.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/12/2015 14:50

MrsKoala

But that conversation is between you and another person, its your name.

This is the child's name parents can say "no his/her name is XYZ".

But how long are they going to do this for?

Children will go through a stage where they will clam their name, up thread a poster's 8 year old does this.

I (like others) have several names that I will respond to, depending on who I am with.

There are several shortened versions of my name that I will not under any circumstances respond to at all.

the long and the short of it is that eventually the child will choose the name/s that they will go by, If (ion this case) it is the name that the MiL wanted to (but was stopped) call him, what will the parents do then?

BipBippadotta · 19/12/2015 14:52

Agree with Honeylulu about giving kids the option of a 'grown-up' name should it no longer suit them professionally to be known as Tiggy or Benji or whatever.

I don't agree with those who think it's OK to call someone whatever you feel like calling them, regardless of the name they are raised with.

I have a relative who insists on calling me a really, really awful diminutive of my name that nobody else uses. I hate it, and I've asked her repeatedly over 30 years please for the love of God not to call me this, and she just smiles venomously & says 'you'll always be XXXie to me'.

I'll have the last laugh when it comes to choosing her care home.

MrsKoala · 19/12/2015 14:57

At 7 weeks old the parents choice IS the child's choice. Until the child is old enough to make a choice for themselves the parent makes that choice and it should be respected as if that is the child's own choice.

Imagine that conversation if it was replaced with 'is your daughters full name Elizabeth? i am going to call her Betty. Betty Betty Betty'. It would be equally peculiar imo.

My older ds is 3 and he calls himself a shortened version of his name because it is easier to say. We have always called him the long version but now he has referred to himself as this we call him this, as do grandparents. Up till then his full name was used as was our choice. Now he has made a choice we are all happy to follow.

sofiahelin · 19/12/2015 15:10

You're not alone
Baby Katherine nn Kitty
ILs prefer Katie even getting gifts personalised with it. WTF? Gives me the rage

SenecaFalls · 19/12/2015 15:16

MrsKoala just wrote what I was going to say. Disregarding the parents' preference in this is the same as disregarding an older child or an adult's preference about their own name. Highly disrespectful.

gotthemoononastick · 19/12/2015 15:38

We have a Vixen....the parents and siblings call her' Foxy'.What to do,what to do?
Foxy will not pass our lips and Vixen is enough of a talking point for the family as it is.

ZedWoman · 19/12/2015 15:52

My MIL did this with bells on.

When DD was first born she referred to her as 'sprog'. She then decided to call her 'sproglet'. I couldn't stand it and eventually (after about 9 months) I realised she wasn't going to stop it and DH spoke to her about it. She had spent about 10 years calling her other granddaughter a nickname that basically means 'fat'. MIL knows herself by this nickname and was calling her granddaughter 'young version of me'.

Now MIL calls my daughter by a name that rhymes with her own name but isn't it - sort of like calling a girl called Maisie 'Daisy' instead. DD is five now and really hates the nickname. There is a Daisy in her class at school that she doesn't get on with and doesn't like the nickname. I just don't see MIL taking it very well if we asked her not to use the name - she is the sort of person that would get really offended by that type of thing.

It was bad enough when we asked her not to call her sproglet.

ZedWoman · 19/12/2015 15:55

...and she used to roll her R when she called her Sprrroglet, which was like hearing fingernails dragged down a blackboard.