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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil using the name she prefers for our dd

218 replies

ollieplimsoles · 19/12/2015 00:57

Ok I know this topic has been done to death but its really starting to piss me off and I need to know if we should do something now or let it lie and see if it passes.

So we had dd (our pfb) 7 weeks ago and we gave her a name dh chose. Its quite a long name and has a few possible shortenings. We decided on the shortened version we would like for her and started introducing her as that.

Mil liked dds name but said our shortening was too 'fussy' so she started using another possible short version that she preferred... She refers to dd using this name and talks about her to friends and relatives using her preference also.

Aibu to think this is ridiculous and she should call dd the name we use? Or do shortenings even mean anything? We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway as it is the full version of the name that is on her birth certificate.

But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her?

OP posts:
NotAWhaleOmeletteInSight · 19/12/2015 16:28

YANBU. This would really piss me off. I have a long name on my birth certificate and have always been known as an accepted short version. There is another, completely different but equally accepted shortening, which I hate. My parents hate it too. People have occasionally used it and been corrected - it's not my name.

Having said that, I do wish my parents hadn't given me a long name which they never intended to call me. I've intentionally chosen unshortenable names for my own dc.

Nicky333 · 19/12/2015 16:37

Growing up, I was always known as Nichola. I got to a point where I decided I hated Nichola. Hated it. So I changed it to Nicky. Now my family calls me Nichola and everyone else calls me Nicky.

My sister said that she likes Nicky best but she's always called me Nichola and I answer to both, unless someone who's not my family call me Nichola.

But I chose that. Everyone up to that point had called me Nichola, because that was the name my parents gave me and that's the name I stuck to.

Nicky333 · 19/12/2015 16:38

Sorry, that's the name they stuck to.

Original poster
ollieplimsoles · 19/12/2015 16:57

Still going through all the replies, its mixed bag!

I can share here as I don't think it will out me- our dd is called penny. We introduced her as penny but mil doesn't like it, we put Penelope on her bc and since then mil has started calling her 'nellie' we cant stand this, if we wanted her to be called that we would have introduced her as that.

Its also worth pointing out that if mil was a nice person and doting grandma, then we would think this is adorable. But she really isn't, I have written about her in here before, she's controlling and I think probably has narcissism. Dh has been on the verge on nc for a while now.

I think its clouded because she has a history of this type of thing tbh...

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 19/12/2015 17:05

I am with you 100 percent OP.

I also have no patience with people who refuse to comply with the wishes of an older child or adult wanting to be called by a different name than the one their parents called them by. My nephew decided in his teens that he wanted to go by the longer version of his name. We all complied and adjusted, including his parents. I have a friend who decided in midlife to be called by her middle name for a variety of reasons. We adjusted.

PhoenixReisling · 19/12/2015 17:10

Penelope equates to nellie errrr, no! Xmas Hmm

Correct her. Every. Single. Time!

If you say that she is controlling and a narc, then you need very firm boundaries.....don't give an inch otherwise she will take a mile!

MimiSunshine · 19/12/2015 17:16

If you introduced your new baby as Penny then that is her name. It's not the same as you calling the baby Little Pud and she calls her Little Pie.

Don't tell your DH to not say anything, it's his mum and he wants to then he should. penny is no more fussy than Nellie.
If saying anything fails then use a different name then change her name from say Grandma to Nan. She'll hate it.

MamaLazarou · 19/12/2015 17:19

OK, I initially thought YABU but I've changed my mind: Nellie is the most hideous name imaginable. I would be correcting her every single time!

sofiahelin · 19/12/2015 17:21

Nellie!!! Wtf no that's not at all acceptable get dh to have a word & correct her/other people every time

PoppyAutumnScarlettRuby · 19/12/2015 17:25

Penny is a much more beautiful name than Nellie and not one I would have associated with Penelope. Correct MIL each and every time she sounds an utter nightmare.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 19/12/2015 17:27

Its also worth pointing out that if mil was a nice person and doting grandma, then we would think this is adorable. But she really isn't, I have written about her in here before, she's controlling and I think probably has narcissism. Dh has been on the verge on nc for a while now.

This has changed my mind . I originally thought yabu a bit but it sounds more like mil is being deliberately difficult. I was imagining it being more in the style of doting grandma wanting her own special bond. I like your dd's name op.

Iggi999 · 19/12/2015 17:31

Thank you for sharing the name OP. Your mil should call her Penny, or Penelope at a pinch, but not Nellie!

contrary13 · 19/12/2015 17:34

Bruffin

You're right, you don't... but when a child is a baby/toddler, then the parents certainly do get to dictate what their child is called. When that child gets older, than they have the right to be called whatever the heck they want. My DD (19), for example, now goes by another version of the name which her DF and I gifted her. I don't like it, but I respect her wishes, because it's her name. My DS prefers the version of the name he's always been called... but if he wanted to be called "Liz" and not "Beth", then we'd respect his wishes.

I don't go by the name my parents gifted me and haven't since I was a teenager. My mother doesn't go by the name her mother gifted her. It happens.

Names become our identity, or as my late grandmother once put it, we become our names. There's a reason as to why certain names are associated with... say, naughty children in schools, whilst others are associated with "high flyers". Is it right? No. But there we go.

ZedWoman · 19/12/2015 17:39

Yep, sounds like MIL. She couldn't understand what we didn't like about Sproglet.

If it wasn't for the fact that she made it plainly obvious that she 'didn't get on with girls' we wouldn't have been so offended. She would never have called DS by a name like that.

AHobbyaweek · 19/12/2015 17:58

To be fair our daughter is Emily Rose (normally called Emily) and my dad calls her "er". Tbh we have decided we prefer it to "ems".

MamaLazarou · 19/12/2015 18:11

'Er'?

That's horrible

RideEmCowgirl · 19/12/2015 18:21

Nellie? As in Elephant. Please put a stop to that! She will have the theme tune haunting her for life.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 18:21

My DS is the youngest in a gang of 6 boy cousins and they decided when he was a week old that they were going to call him by his initials- PJ. I didn't (and don't) like it, but 14 years later he is still PJ to a crowd of lovely young (and not so young) men who look after him, mentor him and are generally lovely to him.
By mumsnet rules I should have put my foot down about the name, and, by some people's ideas, been so rude about it that they backed off completely. I would have won the name game- but lost so much more.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 19/12/2015 18:27

My DD has a long name of Russian origin.

It's beautiful and I've never met anyone who didn't like it. But my Dad immediately gave her a three letter nick name based on her middle name and also pertaining to her tiny size.

DD is now 16 and cheerfully steers between both her long name and her nick name ( which is has been picked up by lots of others too - including lots of my friends ).

SheGotAllDaMoves · 19/12/2015 18:28

Dad wasn't being presumptuous by the way. DDs middle name is his sister's name who died very young. And the nick name is what my Dad called her Smile.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 18:36

Shesgot - that's lovely. And gpresumably you didn't find ways to suggest he might be developing dementia as others have suggested you should? Oh, this thread is making me cross. I can't stand "mylittlefamilyitis"

Brokenwardrobe · 19/12/2015 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missymayhemsmum · 19/12/2015 18:40

Bide your time... that baby will be choosing the version of Granny Grandma, Nana or whatever SHE prefers....and your mil will be stuck with it forever

SenecaFalls · 19/12/2015 18:40

But Bert your example really illustrates that, under the circumstances, you didn't have an issue with the name his cousins used. The OP does have an issue and her wishes should be respected.

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 19/12/2015 18:43

YANBU, your dh should tell your mil that your daughter is called Penny and that if she wants a granddaughter called Nellie she can fuck off go and find her somewhere else!

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