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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil using the name she prefers for our dd

218 replies

ollieplimsoles · 19/12/2015 00:57

Ok I know this topic has been done to death but its really starting to piss me off and I need to know if we should do something now or let it lie and see if it passes.

So we had dd (our pfb) 7 weeks ago and we gave her a name dh chose. Its quite a long name and has a few possible shortenings. We decided on the shortened version we would like for her and started introducing her as that.

Mil liked dds name but said our shortening was too 'fussy' so she started using another possible short version that she preferred... She refers to dd using this name and talks about her to friends and relatives using her preference also.

Aibu to think this is ridiculous and she should call dd the name we use? Or do shortenings even mean anything? We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway as it is the full version of the name that is on her birth certificate.

But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her?

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 19/12/2015 10:52

Helen
I didn't think this would bother me until my husband and I had discussed with my parents about calling our son Henry. My dad then replied I'll prob call him Harry then. I got quiet annoyed with him when despite me saying no it he's Henry he's Henry, my dad said u can't control what nick names people have. Totally put me off the name

You see, this upsets me because your Dad was going to do that even though it would upset you - why would any caring grandparent/parent do that?

I don't get why, if someone says "I know it is a recognised shortened form of the name, I acknowledge that some people will call him that because they don't know any different, but why would you do that if you know it upsets/annoys me? Unless you like upsetting/annoying me in which case Henry won't be seeing a lot of you?" (OK that last bit perhaps is a bit OTT, but still...)

clam · 19/12/2015 10:52

There are a lot of people here who seem to be muddling up 'shortened' names with 'pet' names. Plenty of examples given above as to the difference.

The MIL here is bang out-of-line, I think. Call her on it.

bruffin · 19/12/2015 10:52

You chose the word obnoxious Jennifer.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 19/12/2015 10:58

My MIL decided she wanted to call my two week old baby Charlie rather than his actual name. I told DH she would be called cunt in response whenever she did. He told her to stop.

alltouchedout · 19/12/2015 11:04

That would annoy me too. Not so much mil using the wrong name when she speaks to your daughter, but her telling others that's what your daughter is called. I'd definitely make a point of sending cards etc with the name I had chosen for my child.

SoupDragon · 19/12/2015 11:04

You chose the word obnoxious Jennifer

She just said it sounded like you thought it was. You said that it was obnoxious rather than choosing another descriptive word.

notafanofwinter · 19/12/2015 11:05

Tricky one. A friend has a Victoria, nn Tory for short. She's asked us to call her anything but Vicky.
As the DM has said herself, she can't control what the other children will call her when she gets to school but for now she'd like us to respect her choice.
So far it's worked.

SoupDragon · 19/12/2015 11:07

Children tend to go with what they are told someone's name is. Many of DCs friends have only ever been called by the shortened name they were told when first introduced.

Clearly children have better manners than some adults.

bruffin · 19/12/2015 11:11

You obvously dont have teens Soupdragon or your children have poor relationships. My friends called me G at school, my ds friends call him Ralph.

MamaLazarou · 19/12/2015 11:14

You can't control what people call your child, especially if you have chosen a name with many common diminutives.

My son was called a silly abbreviated version of his name by the staff at his nursery. I think the name on his BC is much nicer but it would be weird of me to say, "You can't call him that - you must call him xxxx".

theycallmemellojello · 19/12/2015 11:15

Sorry, YABU! You can't control how people shorten your DD's name - she'll get loads of variants in her life.

IndridCold · 19/12/2015 11:15

You are right OP, just leave it. Your mil will end up looking daft by using a different name!

5madthings · 19/12/2015 11:16

Of course the mil is being unreasonable.

We actually ruled names out because of this issue, we liked Isaac but one family member insisted that would call the baby zak if we called him isaac... For dd we liked genevive and again same family member said they would call her jenny.. Once the child is at school and a bit older yes nicknames, pet names etc evolve and that is fine but with a newborn you call them the name the parents have decided on.

As an aside my mil didn't really like any of the names we gave our children but she sucked it up and has called them by their names and they grew on her. She does occasionally joke about how it would be nice if one of her grandchildren had been given a name she liked... But it's just that a joke. We are expecting Dc6 next year, I know she hates our top boys name but again she will get over it, she would never dream of calling them by something else.

GabiSolis · 19/12/2015 11:25

I'm leaning towards YABU but without knowing the name it's difficult to say for sure. This kind of thing would not be a big deal in my family but then there is no conflict with the ILs to begin with.

abbsismyhero · 19/12/2015 11:32

could be worse my now ex mil chooses not to use any of there names instead she calls all of my children "the bab" i have three Hmm they are all called the bab she has no mental health issues she is just fucking rude as she doesn't like their names

contrary13 · 19/12/2015 11:35

My ex-FIL did this with my DS when he was a baby. My DS' name is the longer version of another name in it's own right, and for a few weeks ex-FIL insisted on calling him by the other, much shorter, version of his name.

I can't think of a male example for this, off the top of my head, so... we'll say that DS' name is "Elizabeth" (it's really, really not!), and his nickname has always been "Beth". Ex-FIL was insisting that his name was "Eliza". And then calling him "Liz". For short.

It was a control issue. Ex-FIL had always been allowed to dictate everything that went on in the family, and no one dared to stand up to him. My ex-partner is still very frightened of him (works for him, lives in a house owned by him, drives cars which he's bought "for" him but takes back at a moment's notice...), but I wasn't. And I stood up to him. Every time he called my son "Liz", or "Eliza", I'd smile serenely and point out to whoever he was talking to that DS' name is "Elizabeth", or "Beth" (it's really, really not!). It was, after all, a name which ex-partner, DD and I chose together (although weirdly enough, there's never been an issue over DD's name... probably because it's the same as ex-SIL's... which ex-FIL apparently chose!). It resulted in ex-FIL sulkily referring to my DS as "Elizabeth" - but that's never been a problem. Using his full and correct birth-name is never going to be an issue as far as I'm concerned - but deliberately calling him something else just because he'd decided he had the right to name his first grandson over the parents...? Not going to happen. DS is 11 now, and ex-FIL attempted to reassert his authority a few months back by calling DS "Liz". DS shot him down, apparently, and saying that he doesn't like that shortened version of his name, he's always been known as "Beth", and he would prefer it very much if his grandfather would call him that, instead, please. Ex-partner backed DS up 100% according to my very bemused ex-MIL...

Names are important. They become our identity, how we become "seen" by other people. They are also the very first gift which our parents bestow upon us. No one has the right, in my opinion, to alter a child's name other than the parents, or the child themselves as they grow older. Yes; your DD will have friends who'll alter her name in all sorts of weird and creative ways - but those nicknames will only stand, if your DD wants/allows them to.

OP, stand your ground over this. Your MIL already named at least one child. Now it's your turn to name yours.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/12/2015 11:44

What I don't understand about these threads is why put the long version of the name on the BC?

If you are going to call your child
Alex
beth
betty
Liz
Jim

then don't put
Alexander
Elizabeth (whatever spelling)
James

on the BC.

Its just going to give you grief, and if you think that its bad now wait till they get to school (primary and secondary), college, university, or a job.

KurriKurri · 19/12/2015 11:45

I would start calling your MIL a name you 'prefer' - so if she has decided she wants to be called Granny by your child, I'd start referring to her as Noonar or Nan or NannyNoBrain.

I'd also loudly correct her if you are there when she uses the wrong name for your child in front of other people and say things like 'It's strange that you are the only person who can't get it right, are you having memory problems?'

She's very rude.

bruffin · 19/12/2015 11:45

Contrary
When you gift something you lose control of it the moment you gift. You certainly dont get to dictate how other people shorten names.

cleaty · 19/12/2015 11:46

I think both you OP and your mum are controlling. I suspect there is going to be a lot of battles between you.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 19/12/2015 11:51

My middle child has a common 'long' name and an uncommon shortening of it as his day to day name. I absolutely did politely correct people who thought they could bypass my choice, repeatedly if needed. He now only gets called the shortening I chose, or his full name when in enough bother. At eight, he is old enough to defend himself from random names, and as a child with HFA has no scruples about doing so bluntly.

ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 11:51

Very good point boney

5madthings · 19/12/2015 11:58

Having a long name on birth certificate but the child being known by a shortening hasn't caused any issues for ds1, he is officially Theodore but is known as theo, when he was tiny he was called theodorable sometimes but at 16 he doesn't like that so much.

At school his nickname is actually jesus.... Because of his hair... Bit random but there you go. He is doing a levels and on exam papers, passport etc it obviously says his full name, which is long as he has two middle names and a double barrel surname. But day to day he is theo. His teachers call him theo although occasionally when doing register they will say Theodore which he quite happily answers to as it is his name.

It's quite common for people to have a long name but be called by a shortening, dh has a name that is shortened at work and I use the shortening when referring to him in conversation but when talking to him I always call him by his full name.

As a child gets older they will decide what they want to be known as, my youngest is five and has already told people she doesn't like a particular shortening of her name, and I agrees with her. Though tbh it wasn't a shortening so much as butchering. She is Merryn but on the odd occasion people have tried to call her mezza.....

Names and nicknames do evolve and that's fine, as are pet names etc but they are something that come about naturally not by others dictating that they will call z by the name X.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 19/12/2015 12:03

Randomly, my eldest has a four letter name that's fairly impossible to shorten, and is most commonly known as Tetris. I'm really not sure how that happened, but I think it had something to do with band and a brain fart:o

differentnameforthis · 19/12/2015 12:08

But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her

Hmm....I hate my daughter's name being shortened...but all her friends shorten it & double it. So Jennifer (not her name) becomes Jen Jen. I HATE it, she loves it. Only her friends are allowed to call her it. And again, her sister (younger) couldn't say her full name, so called her something that sounded like it, that has stuck and only she is allowed to use it.

You need to relinquish some control. As long as it is a version of her name, I think MIL should be able to use it. Unfortunately, you can't control it forever. You can drive yourself mad trying to get people to conform!

I would rather leave it and let her look stupid when we tell people that it isn't her name and mil just come up with that .. Don't be as rude as that though, just say "(fullname) is doing really well, thank you."