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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil using the name she prefers for our dd

218 replies

ollieplimsoles · 19/12/2015 00:57

Ok I know this topic has been done to death but its really starting to piss me off and I need to know if we should do something now or let it lie and see if it passes.

So we had dd (our pfb) 7 weeks ago and we gave her a name dh chose. Its quite a long name and has a few possible shortenings. We decided on the shortened version we would like for her and started introducing her as that.

Mil liked dds name but said our shortening was too 'fussy' so she started using another possible short version that she preferred... She refers to dd using this name and talks about her to friends and relatives using her preference also.

Aibu to think this is ridiculous and she should call dd the name we use? Or do shortenings even mean anything? We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway as it is the full version of the name that is on her birth certificate.

But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her?

OP posts:
TheLesserSpottedBee · 19/12/2015 09:30

My friend has a long name, every time someone tries to shorten it she just replies actually it's X and corrects them. So yes you can control what other people call your daughter. You correct them, then she does.

My friend has a daughter with a double-barrelled name like Betty-Sue, she is now 14 and still Betty-Sue, no shortening to Betty or Bet, full on name.

Personally I would go at your MIL head on. I would tell her that you find it disrespectful that she has chosen to ignore your daughter's name and that if she continues you will call her fuckface or some other horrible name until she stops. Failing that, she doesn't get to see your daughter. It is a form of controlling behaviour from her.

To the people saying they don't get the angst that is probably because you are fine with the shortening. I would hate anyone to shorten my children's names.

Iggi999 · 19/12/2015 09:34

We need to know if the shortening you have chosen passes the mumsnet test of a sensible name.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 19/12/2015 09:39

I can't believe some people think you have to just put up with people calling your child what they want to, and them telling others that is their name. It's fine once the child is older and can express an opinion but not when a baby.

e.g Your 9 year old daughter called Francesca, you call by full name or Chessy, her friends call her Frankie, that is fine because she is happy with it, even if you don't really like it.

Your newborn called Alexander, you introduce him as Alex but someone else decides to call him Sandy and tells others that's his name, absolutely not on.

didofido · 19/12/2015 09:45

My Grandfather called all his grandchildren Joey, regardless of gender. He did know our names however because in an emergency, say a child in danger of getting run over, he would use the right name. His daughter, my mother, was called Gertie. To his dying day he called her Ethel. Probably because my grandmother was such a dominant character I suspect he had little input in choice of his children's names. He was a lovely, kind, child-friendly man; I wish my children had known him

ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 09:45

But what I'm not understanding is why you care lesser?

I've found as dd1s names have changed over time and n different friendship groups, in different settings

I don't particularly like all the names she has been called, but like BR, I see it as a positive thing. It gives a sense of camaraderie i think

If an individual doesn't want shortenings/nicknames to be used on themselves that's another thing..

Heatherplant · 19/12/2015 09:47

Is there a name you could use for MIL that you prefer to drive the point home?

bruffin · 19/12/2015 09:54

Yabu
Sounds like there is more than one control freak on the family.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 09:57

On the one hand I agree that it's a passive aggressive control thing.

On the other, I have a longish name that different people shorten differently.

Family like to have pet names - I have them for my sister and her family.

So whilst it's annoying you'll have to let it go.

Fatfreefaff · 19/12/2015 09:58

I think you should stand your ground. My mum disliked DD2's name and attempted to call her a shortened version which sounds like a different name. Pulled her up on it and simply said her name is xxx. After a while she got the message. I would tell her straight that your child's preferred name is x not y and would she please stop using it.

I was given a nickname by my mums's family overseas - it is common there to abbreviate names - which I hated and as a teen I asked them to call me by my actual name.

CandlesAreBurning · 19/12/2015 10:01

People are being weirdly tolerant. Yes it's a control thing, yes let your DH pull your MIL up on it.
Just because you've used a shortened version, doesn't mean it's free rein for everyone to use their own version.
You want her known day to day by the shortened version you've picked, that is her name and a shortened version by another adult is not her name. Nicknames etc by other children/friends don't happen until secondary school etc.

All this you shortened it so people can choose their own shortened version is crazy. I have a friend with an Eleanor on BC, but wants to call her Ellie, she is Ellie to everyone and if I started calling her Leana, I wouldn't be asked to visit anymore if I was visiting

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 10:02

"Is there a name you could use for MIL that you prefer to drive the point home?"

Yes. Because that would be such an adult way to behave, wouldn't it? Hmm

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 10:06

Your newborn called Alexander, you introduce him as Alex but someone else decides to call him Sandy and tells others that's his name, absolutely not on.

To take this as an example as I have a comparably long name - let's say I was called Alexandra - some people call me Alex, some Ali, some Al, some Lexi, some Sandy, one old family friend calls me Alessandra. My sister has a nickname for me unrelated to my name which some of my close friends also use. In turn I have a nickname for her since childhood which my parents have always hated.

People do like to personalise names and while MIL is no doubt doing it for annoying reasons - you're going to have to roll with it. She'll probably calm down after a while.

bruffin · 19/12/2015 10:10

Nobody in real life dictates nicknames and shortens. I never seen anyone announce name then a known as, i dont think i would like people like that much any way

SoupDragon · 19/12/2015 10:16

"Is there a name you could use for MIL that you prefer to drive the point home?"

Yes. Because that would be such an adult way to behave, wouldn't it?

When dealing with childish people it is sometimes best to use childish methods that they will understand. The adult way of actually asking the MIL to call the baby by the name the parents have chosen has gone SO well hasn't it? Hmm

SoupDragon · 19/12/2015 10:17

Nobody in real life dictates nicknames and shortens.

Yes they do. All the time.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 19/12/2015 10:17

My DD has a longer name on her birth certificate and we shorten it, as always intended, to a version mentioned here already. She doesn't answer to anything else. My snobby aunt doesn't like it and called her by a different shortening at first, but she soon stopped when DD became the name, iyswim.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 19/12/2015 10:21

Nobody in real life dictates nicknames and shortens. I never seen anyone announce name then a known as, i dont think i would like people like that much any way

Hmm well you and I wouldn't get on then. It's perfectly ordinary. I usually introduce DD by her shortened name, but in a more formal setting I might say 'Her full name is XX but we always call her X.' You seem to be implying that's obnoxious in some way. How?!

ghostyslovesheep · 19/12/2015 10:27

oh I'd just let this one pass

all 3 of mine have lots of different names based on their original - such as Grace, Gracie, Grace Goose, Goosey Goose, Gray-Gray (don't ask) etc

Or my Emma - Emma Lil, Emma Lemma, Lemma Lou etc

I think you have to learn to live with it - none of mine have every been confused - choose your battles!

ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 10:31

Nicknames happen way before secondary school Confused

I wonder if all the people who feel names/nicknames should not be altered have very very young children?

Must admit babydom was a long time ago. Can't remember precisely when nicknames began...definitely by YR

And my mum and dad have always used pet names (they don't even use the same)

Seeyounearertime · 19/12/2015 10:35

I'd suggest that if MIL ha done this for a nefarious and controlling reason then the best you could o is ignore it.

Once it becomes an 'issue' you've played right into her hands.
Correct people as you meet them obviously but ignore the MIL. Once DC grows and lerns their own name they my choose to be known by something different to what both have you have chosen.

Elizabeth might be Beth to you, Lizzy to MIL but Eliza to DD.

MrsKoala · 19/12/2015 10:36

As someone with a long name with various shortenings this would piss me off. While i know my 'Sunday best' name is the long version, my real name is the shortening i have been known by for all my life. (so much so my GP saw me once out and chased me shouting my full name down 2 escalators. Till he touched my arm i hadn't even realised someone was calling me).

Also shortenings are NOT nicknames (this really pisses me off on MN) they are your real name. NNs are something like MrsKoala, not Cathy. It's not the same. It is not fluid. It's your name. Given to you by your parents until you are old enough to then make your own decision.

bruffin · 19/12/2015 10:39

It does sound fairly obnoxious tbh. I never introduce my dc as So and So but known as , i would either give formal name or shortened name.
My dc both are know by shortened names, dd has about 5 variations, it is nothing to do with me what other people call her, thats to do with her relationship with the people in her life.
Even as a tiny baby my mum had a different shortening for ds than i had for him, that was
My mum called me different shortenings to everyone else in my life, but she never dictated what other people called me.

ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 10:43

As a total tangent *mrskoala_, i think your GP might be crushing on you

What the hell is he doing chasing you down 2 flights of escalators?!

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 19/12/2015 10:45

Good grief. If telling someone that DD's full name is XX but we call her as X is obnoxious, I must be comprehensively despised. Why do we name our DCs at all, in that case? Perhaps we should just let anyone call them by whatever name they see fit. A ridiculous analogy, I know, but really? Telling someone that DD is know by her shortened name is obnoxious?

Perhaps we ought to make sure everyone knows that they have the option to call DH by his first name as opposed to his middle, which he's always been known by. Hmm

SoupDragon · 19/12/2015 10:46

I never introduce my dc as So and So but known as, i would either give formal name or shortened name.

The OP introduces her DD with the shortened version.