mil using the name she prefers for our dd

[ollieplimsoles]

Ok I know this topic has been done to death but its really starting to piss me off and I need to know if we should do something now or let it lie and see if it passes.

So we had dd (our pfb) 7 weeks ago and we gave her a name dh chose. Its quite a long name and has a few possible shortenings. We decided on the shortened version we would like for her and started introducing her as that.

Mil liked dds name but said our shortening was too 'fussy' so she started using another possible short version that she preferred... She refers to dd using this name and talks about her to friends and relatives using her preference also.

Aibu to think this is ridiculous and she should call dd the name we use? Or do shortenings even mean anything? We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway as it is the full version of the name that is on her birth certificate.

But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her?

Hahaha syk, that would make more sense.

I apologise for implying you're a potential total twat

I'm rather stunned by some of the comments on here. For arguments sake if dd is registered as Elizabeth but you call her Beth then Beth is her name until dd decides for herself whether she would prefer to be known by a different shortened version (or another name altogether). Other people don't get to choose your child's Name! There's another thread on names about a 'Susie Florence' but the op's mother is calling dd Flo and all the comments on there is that that is unacceptable as op wants to call her Susie - there's no difference!!

I would pull Mil (or anyone else) up on it every time they use the wrong name. I would also send out Xmas cards/birth announcement cards with dds name.

I have a long name which has numerous shortenings. If anyone called me by any of the other shortenings than the one I use (which is the one my parents chose) I wouldn't answer to them. Preferring Lexi for Alexandra but being called Alex by others is no different to being named Karen but being called Isabella(!)

Personally, if I was you I would let it go. If your dh wants to say something let him.

As much as people disagree you can't control what name people call you. And to be honest people changing my name slightly has never bothered me.

Dh and I liked Christopher for ds. But dh really does like Chris. I told him as he grows up, people will shorten it Chris and we can't control that.

I worked in a team where my name was slightly changed by several people I really didn't mind. I loved that team and it was nice that we all had nicknames for each other.

When she starts school you can't control what her friends call her or what she calls herself.

I do remember a cousin calling his son an unusual name. His brother refuses to use and made up a name, totally unconnected. That would annoy me.

Tbh if you are always going to use a particular shortened version of a name, I don't why people don't just put that on the BC.

Can you use a shortened version of a name for mil? Something like Gramps or maybe even refer to her by her first name to dd? That'll surely drive her mad and get your point across

flump I won a work one of these once by doing that.

Some guy I used to deal with on the phone a lot always used to ring up and ask for Katy, when is introduced myself as Katharine neither of which are actually my name. After a while i got really pissed off with it and asked to speak to Billy when I rang him next. His secretary said, in hushed tones 'I'll put you through, but please don't call him Billy, he hates anyone calling him anything but William'. I ever-so-coolly replied with I'll stop calling him Billy when he stops calling me Katy. She transferred me and he answered the phone with 'good morning Katharine' for the first time ever. Victory.

No no no. This pisses me off. Your child's name is Beth (I obviously don't know this but using the previous example above!) short for Elizabeth. That is her name. End of. No other shortenings/variations because someone who is not their parent or her gets to decide that!! How rude!

My DS has a long name on his BC but we have used a shortened version from the word go. A friend of mine always used to call him by the long name because SHE preferred it Eh no. Soon knocked that out of her.

I agree mil is being disrespectful/controlling/weird when dd is so little

But you really are going to have to get used to people using different variations as she gets older

If your DH thinks it should be dealt with then I would let him. It's rare on here for the son's to see what their own mothers are like and want to do anything about it!

Also if it isn't stopped and she is reined in, what's the next thing she will try and control.

Set your boundary now with her and it may save issues in the future.

YANBU, better to pull her up now then spend years being pissed off!

If your DH thinks that this is maliciousness from your MIL, then he's probably right and you should definitely pull her up on it.
You should also send out the Christmas cards to everyone with the correct name on them, and if you're feeling particularly bullish about it, put (NOT "MIL'sversion") next to it.

I think it's very rude and disrespectful to do what she's doing.

I have a name that can't be shortened, only lengthened, and I can't abide any of the lengthenings. Anyone who tries it on gets short shrift. I used to work in an office where we all had names that could either be shortened or lengthened - and all of us had a preferred name, and didn't like the other options (amazing, huh!) A new member of staff started and she managed to get EVERYONE's back up in a couple of days by changing all of our names - shortening the full ones, lengthening the short ones - it was impressive! We were all wincing but no one was prepared to say anything about it except me (long history of short shrift, as I said) - so I mentioned it as kindly as I could. She did stop (and was still friendly with us all, so I can't have done it too badly)

By if a name is shortened for permanent use eg "this is Beth" then the longer name on BC is actually irrelevant because you've not told people it's a shortened name - in fact people will have just assum d it's short for Elizabeth. It could be short for Bethany or Bethan etc.

It would be like saying this is Luke and people assuming a name is on BC like Lucas and then calling him Luca.

People only get away with this nonsense when they are babies. I should completely ignore- once the child can walk and talk it will show up for the nonsense that it is.
It isn't a question of 'being tolerant' - it is a question of keeping out of stupid control battles. There is no need- the child is going to be mystified by being called the 'wrong name'.
As the parent you are the one with the control so there is no need at all to acknowledge any silliness by raising to the bait. Nothing will be more irritating to MIL than you appearing not to notice her name choice.
People under estimate the power of ignoring - they think that power lies in the challenge, when it doesn't- the challenge makes it sound as if you put importance on their choice. Much more powerful to have it beneath your notice.

My ex mil (god I love writing that ) tried to call my dis by his second name, obviously very different to his name for quite a shile when he was tiny as she thought it suited him more than the name we, his parents, had chosen. It really is so disrespectful and is (or was, at least in my case) a control thing. I corrected her every, single time and she finally stopped doing it. I was going to change her name to twat as that definitely suited her more

I think you need to do a Christmas-y photo of your daughter to send to everyone with her name (i.e. your shortened one), dob, weight whatever ... and send it to everyone. Would probably clear the confusion.

My sons used to know how to wind each other up- they knew exactly which buttons to press- and they always, always rose to the bait. I used to tell them to just ignore it- that is what the other one would have really hated - but they couldn't do it, they always gave exactly what was wanted. I can see why I was in a loser when so many adults can't manage it- they always have to rise to the bait when completely ignoring it is far more powerful.

There's a time to ignore and a time to tackle a problem

We have a child whose name has a common short form eg James / Jamie . All the adults he deals with - in school, sports clubs, scouts etc - are very careful to check with him before they shorten his name .

I'd expect any family members to either follow our lead and use what we call him , or ask him , as he's old enough . Its very disrespectful to suddenly decide that he should be called Jimmy and use that name .

Every registration form we fill in for him has spaces for names and " known as " . So name = james Smith
Known as = Jamie

MIL is doing this deliberately to show her son and DIL who is in charge here. It needs nipped in the bud .

I didn't think this would bother me until my husband and I had discussed with my parents about calling our son Henry. My dad then replied I'll prob call him Harry then. I got quiet annoyed with him when despite me saying no it he's Henry he's Henry, my dad said u can't control what nick names people have. Totally put me off the name.

mamas12 idea is a really good non-confrontational way of dealing with it. Send a birth announcement. I would also send lots of thank you notes and christmas cards with your DDs names on them.

My DS has a full name that is his registered name but has been called by the short version since the second he was born...DH wanted the full name on the birth certificate. One of his cousins made up a nickname I hate using his first and middle name together and for a short while this came up from friends and family. I ignored them saying it and kept saying his actual name and the awful nickname eventually died off as we weren't confirming it all the time.

In your case I would keep repeating that the name MIL is using not you DD's name whenever you get a chance including with MiL. Once your DD is older she will tell people what her name actually is and hopefully will correct MIL.

Your DD is only 7 weeks old, I would correct her every. Single. Time.

If DH wanted to speak to MIL about this then I would let him.

I wouldn't correct her, I'd wind her up.

'Aw. Lizzy will like this don't you think'
'Lizzy, who is she? Is she your neighbour's granddaughter? I wouldn't know, I've never met her'
'Lizzy might want to go to the panto next year can I take her'
'It's not up to us who you take to the panto, perhaps you could take Beth with you when you go'.

Etc.

Dd has a shortened version of a name as her name on the birth certificate as I didn't like Cathy or kitty or even kat and giving the longer name it would or could have lead to different nicknames

We knew there was a danger of DH's side of the family shortening DD1s name to something I hate. I used the late stage of pregnancy and early days of her birth to be adamant that they wouldn't. Anyone who used it was told clearly not to do so again.

It helps the FIL has a name with multiple nicknames which he doesn't use! So I think he got my point fairly quickly.

I know I can't control all nicknames and yes she might yet use it but while she's little people can use the name her parents chose for her.

If your DH wants to take it up with MIL I would encourage him to! Your child, your choice at least for a while.