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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil using the name she prefers for our dd

218 replies

ollieplimsoles · 19/12/2015 00:57

Ok I know this topic has been done to death but its really starting to piss me off and I need to know if we should do something now or let it lie and see if it passes.

So we had dd (our pfb) 7 weeks ago and we gave her a name dh chose. Its quite a long name and has a few possible shortenings. We decided on the shortened version we would like for her and started introducing her as that.

Mil liked dds name but said our shortening was too 'fussy' so she started using another possible short version that she preferred... She refers to dd using this name and talks about her to friends and relatives using her preference also.

Aibu to think this is ridiculous and she should call dd the name we use? Or do shortenings even mean anything? We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway as it is the full version of the name that is on her birth certificate.

But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her?

OP posts:
whatwouldaudreydo · 19/12/2015 08:29

It's definitely a control thing isn't it? My dd has my surname and her dad's as a middle name as I knew the fuckwit would leave at some point yet his mum keeps insisting on double barrelling it when she sends cards etc regardless of the very polite text I sent putting her right 'to avoid future confusion' when dd was very young. Just because they want it does not make it so!

GloriaHotcakes · 19/12/2015 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steppedonlego · 19/12/2015 08:32

cracks fingers I actually have experience of this. My daughters full name is actually one of the top 100 most popular names, the shortening we use for her is probably one of the more unusual shortenings of it. When she was first born every in both mine and DH family wrinkled their nose and called her by her first name.

It's amazing how two years on, when she only responds to the shortening how quickly they come round when they realise it's the only way to get her attention because it's all she answers to Grin

CreamCrackerundertheSettee · 19/12/2015 08:41

You have to correct her every time. Nicknames evolving over time or school friends using nicknames is entirely different from a grown woman deliberately using the incorrect name for a 7 week old.

Call her by the incorrect grandparent title, so Nanna if she is grandma, or Nanny, Gran, Granny etc.

BipBippadotta · 19/12/2015 08:45

Oh God, I know people who do this, and it's nothing to do with confusion & all about provocation & control.

Nip it in the bud now if you can, but she sounds like the type who will enjoy doing it all the more the more you ask her to stop.

Why not start calling her some hideous infantilising version of her own name? Nessy-Wessy for Vanessa, etc. After all, by her logic it's just a nickname.

Pidapie · 19/12/2015 08:47

I think that is really disrespectful actually. I'd be happy with someone calling my son by his first name and middle name, but not if they made up their own version. Mind he has a short name for his first name, that can't be made into a different nickname, so we don't have this problem.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 08:54

You know what? It really doesn't matter.

Does she love your dd? Yes? Fantastic. Move on.

TwoDrifters · 19/12/2015 08:58

I agree with the correcting of it every single time. And telling your MIL that you view it as a case of respecting your choices as new parents. Then if she continues to undermine you, she's at least made it clear that it's out of wilful disrespect and you can then act on that knowledge with regards to how much you want someone like that around your DD.

As regards other relatives/friends who have been misinformed, I would simply try to treat it as a joke "Actually can I just correct you? It's Beth, not Lizzy, that we are calling her. I'm not sure why MIL is telling people Lizzy, she does know it's Beth, I really hope this isn't the start of dementia…!"

Blarblarblar · 19/12/2015 09:03

It's rude. She knows your preference and chooses not to use it. The bottom line is it's not ok to you then it's not ok.
My sisters call DS1 a different name to his but it's a playful nice thing between them.
My inlaws however thought DS2's name was to quirky (so very not) and decided to call him his second name. DH had a stern word about how rude it was and the stopped.
My friend was called Candice all her life we all called her that turns out she's actually called Taneka by her parents but her aunt thought "fuckit I don't like that" and before her mum knew it that was her name.
BEWARE Confused

SoupDragon · 19/12/2015 09:04

I agree with using a shortening of your MILs name that she doesn't use.

The only people who get to decide what a child is called are the parents and, later, the child themselves.

Catsize · 19/12/2015 09:07

If MIL is using a standard shortened version of the long name, I don't see the issue. I have a name that is shortened in different ways by different people and I quite like that. Your shortened version isn't her name. It is kind of necessary to like all standard shorter versions of the name before you choose it.

SparklesandBangs · 19/12/2015 09:09

DD2 has a long name on her birth certificate but when she was born we introduced her as her shorten name to avoid all confusion or any doubt as to what she should be called. DP etc do now know what her full name is but everyone was used to the name we wanted her to have.
As an aside she is now 16 and has never changed from the original abbreviation and there are many others she could choose. I now use her full name mostly and DH calls her a different name entirely (but this is a private joke that they have between them)

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 09:14

"The only people who get to decide what a child is called are the parents and, later, the child themselves"

What, no pet names? No little private joke nicknames? Why soeN spirited?

BlackeyedSusan · 19/12/2015 09:15

we chose dd's name to be known by first. (eg lizzie) then looked around for a long name to fit that would be used when she is naughty in formal situations. ok if peole use something similar (liz) but using a totally different name (beth) would be unhelpful for the child and weird.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 19/12/2015 09:17

MIL is BVU, but no you don't get to decide what people call your child. She's going to get all kinds of nicknames over the years, especially once she's at school and has friends, and your options will be to either like it or lump it. However that doesn't mean it isn't rude to reject your name/s straight away, which is effectively what MIL is doing.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/12/2015 09:17

I would ask nicely for the name you chose, then allude to her needing to see the gp as her memory is going if she refuses to use the correct name.

MsButteryMash · 19/12/2015 09:19

I agree it's controlling. It's that thing where the MIL sees the baby as hers and wants to assert that, and her importance in the family above her DIL.

You can't stop her but I think calling her a different name than what she prefers is great - because she can't stop you either and she'll then get an idea how it feels. Or the just laughing it off and saying she's forgetful.

BipBippadotta · 19/12/2015 09:19

^ love this idea.

BipBippadotta · 19/12/2015 09:20

(BlackEyedSusan's) I mean!

ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 09:20

My dd1 is known by about 5 different names; only 1 which I chose

I'm not understanding the angst

iPaid · 19/12/2015 09:22

I think it would be a really cheap shot to suggest (albeit jokingly) that MIL might have dementia. Have a word with MIL and ask her to stop.

I was wondering though if the nick name might be a bit cringy to MIL. My cousin named her baby Beatrice and announced she was to be called BeBe. I just couldn't do it as it made me inwardly swirm.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 09:25

"I would ask nicely for the name you chose, then allude to her needing to see the gp as her memory is going if she refuses to use the correct name."

So incredibly ridiculous and unkind. Grow up.

lilac3033 · 19/12/2015 09:27

MIL has done a similar thing. We gave DD a long name and a nickname right away. We always introduce her with the long name. MIL dislikes the long name and told us as much, to our faces. Noticed that we used a nickname and essentially refuses to call DD anything else, as she likes it. I wouldn't mind if it wasn't so obvious. She interrupts us when we introduce her by her long name, saying her name is the nickname. DD's Christmas card came addressed to her only using a first initial, never seen MIL do that before! It's ridiculous. If she didn't interrupt or make it so obvious she hates the name I would have no issue with her always using the nickname!

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2015 09:28

"Have a word with MIL and ask her to stop"

Or just accept that you child will have lots of divfferent relationships with lots of different people and that is a good thing

PrueDent · 19/12/2015 09:30

Your mil is being disrespectful. If she chooses to have a 'pet' name for your child that's her choice. Annoying, but special to her.

But to tell everyone that your child's name is something it isn't is just rude. To tell everyone her full name, fine. But a nickname you have clearly stated that you're not using and don't like is so wrong.

When people use the wrong name having been told it by your mil tell them you've noticed her getting things muddled recently. Ask if they've noticed any deterioration in her memory or awareness.

And if mil wants to be known as 'granny' start calling her 'nana'. If she's known Patricia start calling her Trish or Trixy. Tell her that you've never really liked the name Patricia, it's a bit of a mouthful but Trixy is such a lovely, quirky name, and as she's demonstrated a liking for names that others don't use you knew she wouldn't mind if you called her Trixy.

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