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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what contribution your partner makes to the Christmas preparations?

207 replies

harrietflies · 16/12/2015 23:34

I'm curious. DP works from home two days per week, then is away for two days then off for three days. I'm my opinion he has ample time to have done something (anything) to contribute to the Christmas preparations for his large family and our three dc. However, he hasn't bought a single present, doesn't know what the kids want or are getting, has done no wrapping, hasn't arranged any of the elf on the shelf scenarios (we both agreed to start the tradition) or thought about food or guests or ideas for his family to get the kids.

OP posts:
irretating · 17/12/2015 22:21

Let me think, we share the present buying, DH wraps most of them because I'm rubbish at it. We all decorate the house. I bake the cake, mince pies and I make the pudding, DH preps the dinner. I think he probably does more in the house tbh, but I do most of the ferrying kids around to 'fun' Christmas activities.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 17/12/2015 22:26

Does all the cards for his family and friends, plus some of the joint ones. Sorts out and sends vouchers to the children on his side of the family.

Moves the furniture round to accommodate the tree, sorts out the lights which inevitably don't work the first time we try them.

We have a joint wrapping session for the DC - for which I cut the paper and he cuts the sellotape. Will have organised and wrapped presents for me.

Buys a lot of the food, is happy to go to the local convenience store for whatever we've run out of, will make a lovely pudding.

What is better is that he spends time visiting lonely people locally and makes sure that they are ok. I think he'll be out a couple of times on Christmas Day for a chat and a cup of tea.

moodyblues · 17/12/2015 22:33

Fuck all

WyrdByrd · 17/12/2015 23:13

Sod all is what my DH contributes - he doesn't like Christmas and pretty much refuses to engage beyond overindulging on the day itself.

He finished work last week - I have been running round like a headless chicken for the last month shopping, food planning, wrapping, organising things to do, arranging meet ups, and dealing with the never ending requests from school at this time of year on top of working 28 hours a week, doing all the school runs and taking on some freelance work to help pay for it all, and when I say I'm feeling knackered and stressed I get this look >> Hmm.

Having said that, my tendency to get a bit carried away is my own doing, and if he got involved he'd be constantly trying to rein me in which would get on my tits even more, so hey ho...

liinyo · 18/12/2015 00:21

Every year my children lift up their gift from my husband and I and tease their dad saying 'what did you buy us this year? ' Sometimes if he has been listening to me he might be able to hazard a guess but generally he hasn't a clue. He has no interest in Christmas generally or in gifts, giving them or receiving them and so I do the bulk of the planning, buying and wrapping. Tasks and roles in families and relationships do not need to be symmetrical, he contributes to our family dynamic in other ways.

Having said that, occasionally he can be a bit highanded about it all and then I do put my foot down and say he can sort out his own parents/siblings gifts. But on the whole I. do it as I like them and want them to have nice gifts that are not a total waste of money.

coffeeisnectar · 18/12/2015 00:29

He gets all the decorations down and puts all the lights up and the trees.

He wrapped my presents (which I chose as he didn't know what to get)

He will help cook on Xmas day.

I did 95% of my shopping online this year and chose and wrapped for all four girls (2 mine, 2 his) the cats, him and me.

But it's fine, I like the shopping (if I can do it from home) and we went to the butchers together to sort turkey etc.

Canyouforgiveher · 18/12/2015 00:50

feck all really. Well he surprised me this year by buying 2 books for our girls. I'd say he surprised himself. He does buy me a gift (a very nice one) but sometimes I have even brought him out and told him what to buy me because I have very specific taste in jewellery. I buy for his mother and his aunt because I love them and I know I will pick them nicer presents. I don't resent this. ii'm buying for them from me as much as from him.

I do stockings for everyone (including myself), I do all the gifts but I order nearly everything on line. We go away for xmas (organised by me) so I don't cook etc but I do Thanksgiving and all the other holidays - literally everything. invitations, shopping, cooking, organising, making it special.

He contributes cash and gratitude to these events. In fairness to him I will say he cares way less about these events than I do and would be happy with chinese food and one gift per person for chriistmas. I don't want that so I organise all the family get togethers/celebrations etc. I think - and I believe he thinks too - that I have created a lot of the "texture" for want of a better word of my children's memories. But he has contributed to their lives and mine in ways beyond celebrations so I am happy. If he did f-all in other areas too, I would not be happy.

HicDraconis · 18/12/2015 01:55

He does about half of it - or rather, we both do all of it but we do everything together.

We choose the tree as a family, then he puts it into the stand while boys fill stand with water, then we decorate it all together with christmas music playing, nibbles and drinks and have a generally lovely family evening. He does lights, I do tinsel and we all do baubles.

We shop for the boys together, we shop for the Christmas food & drink together, we wrap the presents together.

Christmas day he brings me buck's fizz in bed, we prep breakfast together and both clear up, we both cook lunch and clear up together, we both sort some form of nibbley/snacky dinner together. Works for us :)

PeasOnEarth · 18/12/2015 02:20

What other people do, whilst hugely interesting - it's like online verbal people-watching at its finest! - doesn't solve your problem OP, which is that your husband is lazy and disinterested, and has been for years. Now you've realised this - what are you going to do about it?

But to answer the question you've asked - I probably put more money in, and this year more time (off sick with relapsing CFS) but he's picked up our new traditions of giving time and effort rather than money at least as enthusiastically as me. But I hold the organisation in my head - which symbolises the issues we have in our relationship to some extent.

Hope you find your assertiveness - a valid Christmas gift.

AndrastesKnickerweasels · 18/12/2015 04:14

He opens his wallet and doesn't complain.
He does everything for his side - presents, cards, coordinating visits.

His work is in the city centre so he does all the shopping that needs to be done there. It's better if you give him a list but he tends to do fairly well with basic guidance.

Starts brewing in late October.

He also comes up with several awesome presents for me and a really imaginative present for DD4.

Christmas Day, he doesn't moan when DD comes screaming in at 4am, is OTT excited with her, and once she's been borne off with her daddy at midday, proceeds to get Utterly Sozzled with me.

I do the groceries anyway, so I tend to do the food, but as it's just him and me, it's mostly crisps, Christmas ham and brandy snaps.

DD and I do the tree. It looks like Kmart yacked on it this year. It's awesome.

Talkingdonut · 18/12/2015 05:55

Pretty much nothing!!
We'll he pays for alot and is in charge of washing up on Christmas day.

louisaglasson · 18/12/2015 09:18

He's great at choosing presents and sorts out all his family, helps with getting things for my dd and sorted her main present this year as it was easier for him to do it, and always gets me lovely presents. He writes half the cards, does half the wrapping, we do the decorations together, food will be a joint effort. He's also really good at sorting out the small things like extra batteries or blue tac, or finding the right size box or gift bag to make a present look lovely.

AdoraBell · 18/12/2015 10:03

This year nothing because he is still living overseas and won't arrive until next week. He will do e-cards to his family though.

Usually we split things roughly equally.

WitchWay · 18/12/2015 11:11

Buys presents for me, buys some of presents for DS, buys presents for colleagues. That's it.

Snowglobe1 · 18/12/2015 11:19

Almost nothing but he would if I asked.

liz70 · 18/12/2015 11:19

So far DH has wrapped the DD's presents (or at least those that aren't too big to wrap), brought the tree and decorations down from the loft and helped the DDs to put them up, and written and posted cards for his family.

I chose and bought the presents (online) and have made the Crimbo pud, and intend to bake mince pies on Monday or Tuesday, as well as putting the online food order together.

SkaterGrrrrl · 23/12/2015 11:04

This article nails it:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/dec/21/christmas-martyred-middle-aged-women

ValancyJane · 23/12/2015 11:24

Half really, we shop for presents together (online) for both our families, do the wrapping together and the food shop together. Admittedly we go to family for Christmas Day, so don't have to do Christmas Dinner yet.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/12/2015 11:32

I'm really surprised at how many people say their partner does nothing! Especially when it comes to the DCs gifts, I find that really odd. DH and I both work full time but he would be as involved in organising, choosing and ordering gifts, food shopping etc as I am.

We both enjoy choosing the Santa gifts and he often comes up with really good suggestions that I wouldn't have thought of but that DC will love. He also had the idea for my dads gift this year and organised that (my dad is really hard to buy for) and is out now braving the supermarket.

I think I'd find it really sad if he wasn't interested but maybe that's because when I was growing up my dad was the one who went mad for Christmas so I've never seen it as just the mothers job.

foragogo · 23/12/2015 12:17

I choose and buy all the gifts, largely because i am much closer to the kids in interest, buld leg, play video games etc so know what theyre on about more. He is clueless and nit really interested, which is crap. However, he has redeemed himslef this year by managing to fine a pie face in london yesterday when i gave him what i thought was that impossible task. I am also making him doall the supernaturally shops.

Pidapie · 23/12/2015 12:56

My boyfriend buys my present, and that's pretty much it :P He normally helps with deciding what to buy for his side of the family, but I'm the organizational one of us, and so end up buying it. Often with my own money >< I didn't think of that until just now, haha. Might go and ask for my money back...

Karanka · 23/12/2015 13:04

I felt a bit guilty this year as I have been too busy for the present shopping - DW did all of that online, plus the wrapping etc. (although when I did suggest present ideas those got ignored so....). We split the Xmas cards.

DW put up all of the inside decorations (I did the outside ones) and did all of the school stuff (baking for parties, etc.)

I've done all of the food shopping and will do all of the cooking on Xmas Day.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 23/12/2015 13:12

This year he has done everything other than buy his own present. I'm suffering from crippling SPD (on crutches) and not mobile at all. He has bought all presents for both sides of the family. Organised the kids stockings and checked with grandparents what they are getting kids for Christmas so no doubling up. This morning he went for the food shop for normal house hold stuff and tomorrow night (we're hosting his family for Christmas eve but going to them for Christmas day). He has bought and put up two Christmas trees. Tidied and cleaned the house. Sorted out kids everyday needs and looked after me in my pathetic big pregnant state.
Normally we do 50/50 but this year I am useless.

roaringfire · 23/12/2015 13:18

Got the decs down from the loft
Put the lights on the tree outside
Picked me up from the supermarket with the DC after I did the big shop
Has gone to do his own shopping today and has already told me stuff he bought for me may not arrive in time as he only ordered it yesterday and something else had sold out. fucker.
I have bought all the DCs presents and sorted their stockings, did the tree, planned food shop. Basically everything.

This made my lose it yesterday - am out checkout, DP arrived with DC, all the food on the conveyor, say I might just nip and get some nuts, and he starts complaining that the packing has to be done. I hiss it him, you were just going to pick me up, I had every intention of packing this all by by myself really, you can't be left to start packing on your own for two minutes?? In reality, I have three children, not two.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 23/12/2015 13:28

Bought gifts for all his side of the family.

Made a full blown Christmas dinner a week ago because it was the only time we could get together with some family members.

Bought a few lovely gifts for our 3dcs. (He will also assemble a wooden kitchen and a pirate ship tomorrow night).

He will probably do the lion's share of making Christmas dinner.

Believe it or not, I do pull my weight.