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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

232 replies

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:13

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

OP posts:
IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 05/12/2015 21:15

Yes it sounds shit. When do you get your 'read the paper time'? You should have equal downtime. That would piss me off no end.

SaucyJack · 05/12/2015 21:20

Is your 3 year old at nursery?

FormerlyKnownasFK · 05/12/2015 21:21

YANBU, of course not.

You should both have an equal amount of time to rest / recharge every day.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/12/2015 21:24

Cook for you and the kids and not him

Or tell him you aren't his housekeeper so he needs to grow up

CalleighDoodle · 05/12/2015 21:25

He shouldnt be shouting at you. Thats totally out of order.

It isnt clear from your op if you work? Also, as the above poster said, does dcaged3 go to preschool or nursery?

But the main issue is he doesnt want to do anything and spoke to you in a way that suggests he has no reapect for you. Is this a common thing?

jeavcike · 05/12/2015 21:26

What would happen if you stopped doing it? If you just sat down at the same time as him, for as long as him?
What would he say if you cook for everyone but him? If he's choosing not to help then he's choosing not to benefit.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:27

Jack - Yes, 3yo started nursery in September. He goes twice a week from 9am - 2pm.

OP posts:
overwhelmed34 · 05/12/2015 21:29

What was he shouting?

CalleighDoodle · 05/12/2015 21:30

He has had his rest day on a saturday, tomorrow evening he makes the evening meal.

Fairylea · 05/12/2015 21:30

That sounds shit. He shouldn't be opting out randomly and making you default parent. I'd be livid. Why should he get to pick and choose when he engages with you all!?

Do you have equal leisure time out of the house and equal spending money? Things seem very one sided from what you've written.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 21:33

Yabu.
Your downtime is the two days both your dc are in school.
Your dh's is at the weekend.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:33

No, I don't have a job, as I what to be around when my kids are young. Also, my eldest has a disability, so I want to make sure I have time for him.

I wouldn't be happy not cooking dinner for DH and as for sitting down while he is, at some point, too late in the day, he'd offer to cook dinner. However, dinner would be late, which might then make bath time and bed time late... I like to have the DC tucked up by 7:30pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:35

I do not use the time when my DC are at school/nursery as downtime. I wish I could, but there's always so much to do.

OP posts:
Akire · 05/12/2015 21:36

That's hardly the same. It's 4h twice a week so if he had 8-12 off Saturday n Sunday that would be same? Oh but he gets an hour for lunch say that's 5h a week off work so he's due 3 h off which by sounds a of it he gets Friday evening.
So 50/50 weekend!

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 21:37

I would lotty.
I'd do all the things you need to do when dc are around.

SaucyJack · 05/12/2015 21:39

Right then. He shouldn't have shouted at you... but from what you've said here you're really really not getting the shitty end of the stick as far as free time goes.

Two child-free days a week is a fair bit. Are you honestly cleaning or washing for every single second your kids are at school/nursery? You never meet a friend for coffee or sit down with a book?

badg3r · 05/12/2015 21:42

He needs to pull his weight. Does he ever look after the kids all by himself for a day? Tell him to do a day in your shoes one weekend to see how exhausting he finds it. Then see if he still feels it's reasonable for you to be his skivvy at the weekend too.

EeyoresTail · 05/12/2015 21:42

What do you do while he washes up? Do you get a chance to sit down and relax then? That's what I would do.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 21:44

There must/could be be plenty of time at the weekend for you both to read the paper?

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:45

Any left - I wouldn't have any time with then children if I didn't do some chores when they weren't around. I still do have to some chores when they are around.

Jack - I can say that I've never met a friend for coffee or sat down with a book when the kids have been at school/nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:46

Eeyore - I tidy up the toys with the boys and then bathe them. Again, bathing the DC is something DH rarely does.

OP posts:
Pomegranatemolasses · 05/12/2015 21:47

You definitely should use the time your dc are at school as your down time. How much is there to be done, that can't be sorted when your dc are around?

Your DH certainly shouldn't have shouted at you though.

Leelu6 · 05/12/2015 21:49

YANBU. He has things the way he likes them, that's why he reacted badly and shouted at you - you are threatening to change the status quo.

Why would you not be happy about not cooking for DH on a weekend? Surely he can fend for himself? Can you plan to go out for a few hours on the weekends and leave DC with H?

FormerlyKnownasFK · 05/12/2015 21:50

So other than accompanying you & the children when you leave the house, does he do anything towards their care?

Dress, bathe, help brush teeth, teach them how to do things, get them food or drink, read bedtime stories?

SaucyJack · 05/12/2015 21:51

Well maybe you should sit down with a book then. Ditch the guilt. Your husband has- and fair play to him.

I'll be honest- you're sounding more and more like one of those housework martyr types who's always trying to make work for themselves and glaring at anyone else who dares to look relaxed.

Chill Winston.