DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

[lottytheladybird]

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

Lotty
You are an SAHM
You have a child who needs extra support
that is a reason for your Husband to do MORE, not LESS

he does not respect you
you appear not to respect yourself
in years to come, why should your kids respect either of you ?

So hes doing it under sufferance while sulking about it.What is he like with money What are his attitudes towards it.

passive aggression is a very unattractive personality trait

He did them "for you" while sulking about it? Just about sums it up really.

lotty can I ask why it is you are out all day, both days, at the weekends, and where it is you go to?

I also wonder if this would be better in relationships especially if you want problem solving help instead of just solidarity that this is a terrible way to live.

What are your thoughts on this being an abusive relationship? Do you feel that you over compensate with your children - eg never doing chores around them, filling their time with good activities and perfect bedtimes?

Does your H give you the ability to choose to send money on things / on yourself? If so then maybe in the short term:
Outsource some of the housework eg ironing, cleaner, our local farm shop does high quality pre prepared food, as good as you'd cook, but expensive.
Counselling for yourself. There are some of your own behaviour patterns that have contributed to the situation, particularly why you continue to put up with it. It is not at all your fault he is a bully - but you can change your reaction going forward.
Speak to Women's Aid - don't just believe us, ask a real person if you are in an abusive relationship. They may have local solicitors to recommend and help you to work out where to draw the line.

He is not part of your dc's lives as far as I can see - he is behaving like a single person. He is missing out on the pleasure of fun with his DCs.

You need to change what you do eg go out at the weekend and leave him in charge.

If you are there he will expect you to do everything.

I would look into a part time job.

If you complain it just looks like you are whingeing as you prob do have the time to do it all. And without being forced, by you going out, he is prob not going to do anything.

You are getting some great advice and goggle-wiping from posters like AF.
Did I get it right? When your OH made a crap, tortuous job of cooking dinner, - you swapped the fish with the raw bit on his plate for your better bit of fish? Can't you see how servile, martyred but also annoying that was? How you repeatedly insulate him from the consequences of his own inadequacy? Just like taking over the ironing burden again and replacing the gear broken by him in a tantrum. You are both training each other in a very unhealthy dynamic that I would not want my dcs exposed to.
The next time he shouts, tell him you will not be shouted at. If it is really bad I'd pack and tell him I was leaving until he regained control. When he is calm, don't refer to his bad behaviour, just say you are unhappy but love him want to save your marriage and so you both need to attend joint counselling.
Oh and his parents can fuck right off, they are partly responsible for this, as you will be if you bring your dcs up think this is normal and acceptable.
You have my sympathy, I hate confrontation too, but this won't get better and I suspect he is losing respect for you. It's not fair but if you continue to be spineless I think the marriage will probably be ended by him a few years down the line when he meets someone more
exciting who appreciates him more than his tired, nagging, martyred SAHM wife. This poor woman (you) being largely his own creation after years of careful conditioning.
Refuse to be that woman. Remember the person he fell in love with; the person you are/were with your best mates. Are you still that person or are changing in ways you don't like?

Joint counselling is not recommended in cases of abuse.

It doesn't sound like an abusive relationship to me, just an old-fashioned one. in the old-fashioned view, the woman does everything at home and the man doesn't lift a finger. Likewise, the man does all the breadwinning and the woman doesn't worry her pretty little head about the bills. Not a relationship I'd want, but I don't think everything can be called "abuse". Just dreary for the woman and stressful for the man.

If there was a male equivalent on Mumsnet, there'd probably be a post saying, "I work 50 hours a week to keep my wife in holidays and never get to see my kids as my wife is too lazy to go back to work even though the kids are in nursery. She has plenty of time off when they are at nursery, but still expects me to do housework at the weekend". There are always two sides, and the truth is often in the middle.

Some people have advised the OP to stop doing housework as a protest. Fine and dandy, but what would you all think if the husband then decided that he was having a protest too and refused to go to work?? The OP and husband need to actually discuss this as adults, and see whether the current arrangement is working for them BOTH.

It doesn't sound like an abusive relationship to me, just an old-fashioned one. in the old-fashioned view, the woman does everything at home and the man doesn't lift a finger. Likewise, the man does all the breadwinning and the woman doesn't worry her pretty little head about the bills. Not a relationship I'd want, but I don't think everything can be called "abuse". Just dreary for the woman and stressful for the man.

If there was a male equivalent on Mumsnet, there'd probably be a post saying, "I work 50 hours a week to keep my wife in holidays and never get to see my kids as my wife is too lazy to go back to work even though the kids are in nursery. She has plenty of time off when they are at nursery, but still expects me to do housework at the weekend". There are always two sides, and the truth is often in the middle.

Some people have advised the OP to stop doing housework as a protest. Fine and dandy, but what would you all think if the husband then decided that he was having a protest too and refused to go to work?? The OP and husband need to actually discuss this as adults, and see whether the current arrangement is working for them BOTH.

It doesn't sound like an abusive relationship to me, just an old-fashioned one. in the old-fashioned view, the woman does everything at home and the man doesn't lift a finger. Likewise, the man does all the breadwinning and the woman doesn't worry her pretty little head about the bills. Not a relationship I'd want, but I don't think everything can be called "abuse". Just dreary for the woman and stressful for the man.

If there was a male equivalent on Mumsnet, there'd probably be a post saying, "I work 50 hours a week to keep my wife in holidays and never get to see my kids as my wife is too lazy to go back to work even though the kids are in nursery. She has plenty of time off when they are at nursery, but still expects me to do housework at the weekend". There are always two sides, and the truth is often in the middle.

Some people have advised the OP to stop doing housework as a protest. Fine and dandy, but what would you all think if the husband then decided that he was having a protest too and refused to go to work?? The OP and husband need to actually discuss this as adults, and see whether the current arrangement is working for them BOTH.

It doesn't sound like an abusive relationship to me, just an old-fashioned one. in the old-fashioned view, the woman does everything at home and the man doesn't lift a finger. Likewise, the man does all the breadwinning and the woman doesn't worry her pretty little head about the bills. Not a relationship I'd want, but I don't think everything can be called "abuse". Just dreary for the woman and stressful for the man.

If there was a male equivalent on Mumsnet, there'd probably be a post saying, "I work 50 hours a week to keep my wife in holidays and never get to see my kids as my wife is too lazy to go back to work even though the kids are in nursery. She has plenty of time off when they are at nursery, but still expects me to do housework at the weekend". There are always two sides, and the truth is often in the middle.

Some people have advised the OP to stop doing housework as a protest. Fine and dandy, but what would you all think if the husband then decided that he was having a protest too and refused to go to work?? The OP and husband need to actually discuss this as adults, and see whether the current arrangement is working for them BOTH.

It doesn't sound like an abusive relationship to me, just an old-fashioned one. in the old-fashioned view, the woman does everything at home and the man doesn't lift a finger. Likewise, the man does all the breadwinning and the woman doesn't worry her pretty little head about the bills. Not a relationship I'd want, but I don't think everything can be called "abuse". Just dreary for the woman and stressful for the man.

If there was a male equivalent on Mumsnet, there'd probably be a post saying, "I work 50 hours a week to keep my wife in holidays and never get to see my kids as my wife is too lazy to go back to work even though the kids are in nursery. She has plenty of time off when they are at nursery, but still expects me to do housework at the weekend". There are always two sides, and the truth is often in the middle.

Some people have advised the OP to stop doing housework as a protest. Fine and dandy, but what would you all think if the husband then decided that he was having a protest too and refused to go to work?? The OP and husband need to actually discuss this as adults, and see whether the current arrangement is working for them BOTH.

LightDrizzle - no, OP swapped her child's partially uncooked fish to give him a more done piece. That seems sensible to me.

DH's mum thinks women are subservient to men. That should tell you what kind of up bringing he bringing he had.

Yep, and the kind of upbringing your children are now getting, too. Woman up, OP!

Harsh, what do you make of the smashing up of household objects and verbal abuse of op in front of her parents ?

Is that just a bit "old fashioned" too ?

Tendon, yes, that's what Light said, but the other way round IYSWIM.

AF I have a feeling Harsh would be humming a different tune if the OP had deliberately broken her partners power tool during a tantrum after doing some DIY.

Mebbe

Get DH's mother to do his ironing, cooking, cleaning, corres-fucking-pondence, and generally wipe his arse just like the good old days.

Sorted

OP's husband is behaving like an archetypal 1960's early 70's husband
which was fine then
but isn't now

Breaking things, whether an ironing board or a powertool, is clearly childish and idiotic, Helena. However, I don't think it constitutes "abuse". Would YOU think it was abuse if the OP had broken her husband's powertool?? There are many double standards on mumsnet. If this situation was reversed, people would be shouting "cocklodger" long before now.

People on here are so quick to shout "abuse", as well as to suggest that someone bails out at the slightest sign of an argument. If the OP isn't happy then she can always leave, but she'd then have to go back to work anyway.

As Talkin says, he's acting like a 60's husband and that isn't acceptable now. However, the OP is acting like a 60's wife, and that isn't acceptable either. Women are not maids. Men are not wallets on legs.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/the_dominator.html

FFS, how can a SAHM be a 'cocklodger' harsh? Looking after children is actual work, you know, and it's bloody hard, 24 hours. As is looking after a house. Have you ever done it? It's far more draining than any job I've had!

From what OP has said here her DH wouldn't last 10 minutes as a SAHP. I will stand corrected if she returns and informs us that DH has been begging to have a turn at taking care of home and kids.