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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

232 replies

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:13

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 23:21

If you don't work, then I do think you should be doing the Lions share at home. Sorry. I would have loved to be a SAHM. It's such a privilege. If you want him to do more at home, step up and get a job, contribute to the household income, and maybe then he can work less and help at home.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:23

Saloon - Night night. Thank you for your comments - I really appreciate them. Smile

OP posts:
JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2015 23:27

I think your example up thread about him cooking dinner was illuminating. If he says he'll cook dinner then let him. Leave him to it. Don't "help" or "suggest". Just say nothing and let him get on with it. If dinner's late and the kids start moaning then it's his problem, not yours. Just sit there and read your book, or watch TV, and let him deal with it.

This will sound harsh but you remind me of a friend of mine who used to control and oversee exactly how her husband did everything from cooking to putting the kids to bed to making packed lunches etc. She couldn't stand that he didn't do it exactly the same way she did and spent her whole time "correcting" him. The end result was he got so pissed off that he disengaged from pretty much everything and now she's left doing it all. Not very mature perhaps but I kind of get where he's coming from.

OnlyLovers · 05/12/2015 23:27

I'll be cooking Christmas dinner for us and his parents, no doubt without any help

Either do it with good grace and no bitter little comments ('no doubt'), or (preferred option) don't do it. You are not legally required to.

More generally, you will not get him to do anything differently if you keep cooking and running around for him.

People are suggesting things here and you keep rebuffing them. You do sound a bit of a martyr. But he is being a massive twat and needs showing that things don't work like that.

Stop the cooking and washing and present-buying and all that crap. Let him see what happens when a capable adult abdicates their basic household and parenting responsibilities.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:30

Beach - It is a privilege and I love being a SAHM. When my eldest was a toddler and my youngest was a newborn, I might have been up up to 10 times in any one night. My DH has never got up in the night for my youngest and only really ever got up for my eldest if I was already feeding my youngest. I don't mind doing everything during the week, but I don't think it's unreasonable for a bit of team work at the weekend.

In terms of stepping up and getting a job, well, before we had children, I intended to go back to work at some point, but my eldest has a disability, which changed things for us.

OP posts:
Inertia · 05/12/2015 23:31

The OP already does the lion's share at home- she does all the cooking, household chores, admin tasks, child care, night duties, and banking- she is on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

OK, she doesn't expect anything during the week when the husband is working long hours. But why does he get to do nothing at all at the weekends? He isn't at work then?

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:33

John's wife - I did leave him to do it after he started dinner. I was making Chistmas decorations with my DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:35

I wouldn't down tools because I wouldn't want my DC not to have Christmas dinner or for his entire family not to have presents.

OP posts:
JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2015 23:38

I did leave him to do it after he started dinner. I was making Chistmas decorations with my DC

And there lies the problem. You can't see that you're mothering him by telling him when to start, when to switch on the oven etc etc. And then, when he does eventually help, instead of actually taking advantage of some down time, you start making Xmas decs with the kids! You are allowed some time to yourself you know! Your kids won't turn into maladjusted miscreants because you sat with your feet up for an hour instead of trying to be super mum.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:42

John's wife - He offered to make dinner in order for me to make Christmas decorations with the kids. I couldn't then not make them! He wouldn't have offered to make dinner otherwise! When I mentioned that it would be a good idea to get the oven on, I offered to make dinner if he'd changed his mind. He could have carried on reading whatever was on his phone while the oven was heating up.

OP posts:
BrewsterToo · 05/12/2015 23:45

You're far too kind and accepting. And you're definitely not being unreasonable to expect some teamwork at the weekend. Look at it this way: you both work full time. You with the children during the week, he at his paid job. You work equally long hours if you do all the bathing and bedtime routines. Plus you do all the household planning. Weekends have to be teamwork.

Do exactly the same as he does. Stay in bed when he stays in bed. When the children start calling, don't get out until he gets out as well and tell the children when they come calling "ask daddy, mummy is sleeping". Read a book when he reads his paper. When the children come calling, tell them to ask daddy to put on the telly. Don't start preparing lunch/dinner until he suggests it's time to eat and then ask: "yes, what shall we have? If you cook, i'll set the table". That's the only way you'll make him aware of what all the work you're doing, all the time.

OnlyLovers · 05/12/2015 23:47

He offered to make dinner in order for me to make Christmas decorations with the kids... He wouldn't have offered to make dinner otherwise!

Why not? Why (this is a genuine question for him) can HE have time off to sit and play with his phone, but YOU can't have time off to sit and read or whatever?

I wouldn't down tools because I wouldn't want my DC not to have Christmas dinner or for his entire family not to have presents.

Christmas dinner and presents are HIS responsibility too. More so if you're talking about his family.

But you sound more and more as though you don't actually want to face up to telling him to pull his fucking weight. In which case, carry on as you are, feel tired and bitter, and let your kids learn that mummies do all the work and daddies sit about.

JohnCusacksWife · 05/12/2015 23:48

lotty, of course you could have not made them! You could have relaxed and done nothing but you chose not to. Being a martyr gets you nowhere in life and the sooner you learn that the better.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 23:52

You just can't help some people

Op, you sound like you belong in the 1950's I am afraid, and lazy detached men like your H think you are there to serve them

The thing is, that is exactly what you are doing

JoanFerguson · 05/12/2015 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretBondGirl · 06/12/2015 00:03

OP from your posts you do sound a bit like a martyr I've noticed some SAHMs are relunctant to give up chores or take short cuts to make their own lives easier then moan about being put upon. One of my SAHM friends still insists on putting her 13 and 10 year old dcs to bed and won't come out before 9 pm because she doesn't trust her Dh to do it

For a start why are you cooking 7 days a week get some ready meals or takeaways for the weekends and use the time to chill out. Train your dcs to take off and hang up coats, shoes and wash their hands after outings. Cull the toys and put some away in the attic for 3 months then rotate and train them to put them away last thing at night

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 00:06

On presents - I know DH's would judge me for them not getting presents and not him. I also do almost all the correspondence with his family, whether it's about presents or getting together or whatever else.

OP posts:
wiltingfast · 06/12/2015 00:06

sigh you are just one of those women who cannot let go.

He said he'd make the dinner. That is your cue to go into the sitting room and do your activity with the kids and LEAVE HIM TO IT, that means no comments, no pointers, no helpful nudges, and no criticising the final product.

He will be shit at putting the kids to bed UNTIL HE GETS SOME PRACTICE. again, you must leave him to it and let him get it wrong. It's better for everyone in the long run.

If this is hard for you, then you need to leave the house for periods so you are not bearing witness to the mayhem. Believe it or not he WILL figure it out if you give him an opportunity to do so.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 00:06

DH's family that is

OP posts:
JohnCusacksWife · 06/12/2015 00:07

You can lead a horse to water but........

100butterflies · 06/12/2015 00:08

Is it so boring being a sahm, my word I would love to have this problem. If it doesn't work for you go to work, it may be better for your happiness.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 00:09

Bond girl - My kids do put their own coats/hats/bags/shoes away.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 00:10

Wilting - Would be nice if DH took a lead more often with bed time, but he doesn't really seem to want to and the kids always just want me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 00:11

Does your H put his shit away ?

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 00:12

Butterflies - I never said it was boring being a SAHM. I love being a SAHM, but it doesn't mean you have to be the house slave does it?

OP posts: