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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

232 replies

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:13

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

OP posts:
KeepOnMoving1 · 05/12/2015 21:53

I agree with Saucy. You get 5hours twice a week. You really can't be full on with chores for all that time. Maybe use that as your down time. He should not be shouting, and help out a bit more but I also think during the entire week you have the better end of the deal.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:55

Formerly - DC mostly dress themselves, but if they do need some help, then they always want me. DH rarely bathes them or brushes their teeth. He'll teach them something if the opportunity arises. He's generally around for bed time, but its usually me who reads the stories, as they both want me to read.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 05/12/2015 21:55

9-2 is not a child free day. That's about four hours in practice, once you've taken out pick up, drop off, getting your stuff ready back at home. So in practice OP gets the equivalent of one day off a week. Her husband gets two full days, plus all the overnights he doesn't do because she does. I'd be saying I wanted to split Sat/Sun cooking duties at least.

What are the untruthful things he shouted at you?

Leelu6 · 05/12/2015 21:55

SaucyJack - do you really think that because the 3yo is in nursery between 9-2 two days a week that OP should be doing all the housework and cooking every night (save for the dishes)?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 05/12/2015 21:56

Don't make the dinner.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 21:56

Fold the paper up really small and insert it where the sun don't shine

Leelu6 · 05/12/2015 21:56

OP - does he do dishes every night or just weekends?

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:59

Jack - Maybe I should sit down with a book, but someone has to tackle the mountain of laundry.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:00

Leelu - just at the weekends, as he doesn't get home for dinner during the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:03

Keep on - No, I'm not full on just doing chores, but I do also have to do things like sort out presents for everyone's birthdays and Christmas presents. I buy for everyone in his family, for example. I plan any holidays we take. I look after our finances. I book any days out we have.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:04

yes, you do all the shitwork

KeepOnMoving1 · 05/12/2015 22:05

But really how many holidays and presents are you buying for this to be a regular chore? I'm really certain that you can find some down time.

PrimeDirective · 05/12/2015 22:06

Have you actually sat down and had a calm conversation with him about it? Explain to him how you feel and ask him for help with specific things.
No he shouldn't have shouted, but if you want to resolve the situation then an antagonistic approach is not likely to help.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:06

Tendon - He basically said I said things which never came out of my mouth.

OP posts:
7Coffees · 05/12/2015 22:06

Just choose one of the nursery days as your downtime and do nothing! I do this....your Dh would if it was his choice. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but you have to CHOOSE time off when you're a sham and if it means the house is a bit messy then so be it

SaloonBalloon · 05/12/2015 22:07

YANBU.

I had a similar situation. Ex glued to iPhone/rugby. Me running around like a blue arsed fly and under considerable stress ( also worked part-time and had an hour commute morning and afternoon and did school drop off and pick-ups so constantly knackered). Does your DH also retreat upstairs for naps/ have lie-ins at weekends?

Reader.... I left him.

We have shared care at weekends. We get equal downtime at weekends at least and life is so much easier now. (pretty drastic way to get down time though).

You need to talk to him.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:08

Prime - We talked about it, calmly, last weekend. No change this weekend.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:09

of course you have tried talking to him calmly

nobody cries for help on an anonymous website when they haven't tried the obvious things

it's really fucking patronising to suggest otherwise

you can pretty much guarantee that by the time people post here they are at the end of their tether

MajesticWhine · 05/12/2015 22:10

If you are cooking every day during the week then you need Saturday off. Don't cook dinner. Perhaps he could drag himself out of his chair to go and get a takeaway.

1frenchfoodie · 05/12/2015 22:10

Does your DH know you'd like help cooking or for him to take his turn? For me cooking is my downtime as I enjoy it so I don't expect or want help. On the other hand if DH wants clean clothes he knows he has to load/peg out himself or explicitly ask me to help. I seem to have a higher than average tolerance for piles of laundry Smile

Sounds a bit as though you simmered with resentment then snapped and he shouted - never the best foundation for a sensible chat about division of labour.

mashpot · 05/12/2015 22:11

So does he spend much time (I hate the term but quality time) with the kids at the weekend in between reading the papers? Doesn't sound like he gets much time with them in the week. Sounds shit tbh.

wiltingfast · 05/12/2015 22:12

Look, you say you need down time. Next sat, you say I'm heading out this afternoon to do xyz. See you later. Then disappear for as long as you need to.

Job done.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:12

I have down time in the evenings, but I just feel it would be nice if DH could do just a little to help when I'm cooking. He could ask if he could help couldn't he? He could make the drinks perhaps. Just a little something would make me feel a little less slave like when I'm cooking and he's reading the paper.

OP posts:
Lauren15 · 05/12/2015 22:12

If he isn't back in time for dinner during the week, he must have pretty long working days. Also, he is helping by doing the washing up. What's the problem?
I'm sure you spend a lot of time on housework while your dc is at nursery but I don't believe you don't have time to relax and read the newspaper during those two days. If you are not making time for yourself then, you are being a bit of a martyr.