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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

232 replies

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:13

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

OP posts:

1frenchfoodie · 05/12/2015 22:14

Sorry - just seen you tried talking. How frustrating. Can you agree a couple of days he will cook (or do other chores) if a more general sharing of labour doesn't work? Much easier to say 'wednesday, your turn' than to pick over who is or isn't pulling their weight.

wiltingfast · 05/12/2015 22:15

If you don't want to cook dinner on saturday, stop doing it. Tell him to pop a pizza in the oven and open a bottle of wine. Seriously. No one is insisting presumably, on another cooked from scratch meal on sat?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 05/12/2015 22:16

When we sit down in our house we sit down together. One up, all up. I'm not working 24/7 while he does just 60 hours a week.

Do not allow him to treat you like this.

Original poster

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:17

Frenchfoodie - I like cooking, but when you do it 7 days a week, I think it's nice to get a little bit of help. Don't forget, my DC are constantly wanting my attention when I'm cooking. Generally, I'm looking after them and cooking at the same time.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:18

Mashpot - DH doesn't get much time with them during the week. Tis a bit shit.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 22:18

Tendon - the whole family went out together for the whole day. Op said she has to get them ready to go (20mins) plus make tea tonight (20 mins possibly), while he sits around. So that's 40 mins of chores whilst he did nothing. Compared to the 5 hours two days per week the op gets whilst he is working. She is currently doing chores in those times, and that's what my priority would be to change. Do the laundry some other time. Use those hours as down time.

SaloonBalloon · 05/12/2015 22:19

My DC have dinner at 5pm in the weeks. Doesn't mean he works exceptionally long hours just to late to make dinner for DCs.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect people to work as a team particularly around Sunday dinner. It's quite hard to cook with young DCs calling out and demanding things every few minutes. He could take them out to the park while she cooks or offer to cook while she sits down with DCs or they could do it together.

I hope he doesn't head off for a pint whilst you are trying to cook Christmas dinner?

He probably won't change.

Original poster

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:23

Saloon - Thank you! I feel you understand. I'll be cooking Christmas dinner for us and his parents, no doubt without any help.

OP posts:

FormerlyKnownasFK · 05/12/2015 22:24

I don't understand why OP has to take her downtime during the week so that she can run round waiting on her H at the weekend.

Why the hell should she?

If there's washing to be done, better it be done during the week and then the whole family gets to have a more relaxing, convivial weekend.

Oh except in OP's house that doesn't happen because her H appears to treat her like a domestic servant.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 22:24

I used to get really cross with my dh as I rushed about on a Saturday morning and he lay on the couch watching TV.
And then I realised that to a certain extent he was right.
We didn't have to be rushing about. Have a pizza occasionally, let the dc play by themselves, don't tidy toys up all day.
I think we (probably mostly women) make it harder than it needs to be for some reason.

Original poster

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:25

Frenchfoodie - Whenever DH takes on more chores or childcare duties, he ends up losing his rag after a while, then things go back to the way they were.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:26

I'll be cooking Christmas dinner for us and his parents, no doubt without any help.

You do realise it's not compulsory ?

TendonQueen · 05/12/2015 22:26

Dinner in 20 mins? I doubt it from what the OP says. And we're back up to 5 hours again for the weekdays which you just wouldn't get. Lots of time estimation here being very generous to the husband. Plus what about him never doing nights, or baths, or getting ready, or in fact any of the other shitwork? And why doesn't he want to interact with his kids when the OP isn't in the room? When my DH worked long hours every weekday, that was exactly what he wanted to do at weekends.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/12/2015 22:27

As a shorterm solution if you both want free time at weekend stop cooking a sunday dinner. It isn't essential.

40 mins cooking when you are looking for more downtime isn't practical. A casserole in slowcooker will take 5 mins prep.

I assume your 3 year old will increase nursery hours when 15 hours funding starts maybe mentally plan to use that extra day as your free time.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 22:28

Fk - I think that depends on how her dh is. Is he demanding dinner, or is he eating it cos it's there?

Original poster

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:33

Any left - DH doesn't demand dinner, but I would never not cook for him.

OP posts:

annandale · 05/12/2015 22:34

I do think that standards need to drop at your house; have you ever found yourself re-doing something he's done because of the way he's done it?

I also think that little bits of downtime are different from a proper chunk at the weekend, and nothing like as relaxing.

I'm influenced by the fact that I am still jangling from work until around the middle of the afternoon on Saturday when I start to relax. I'm very grateful to dh for all he does which includes most of the cooking during the week. At the weekend I do find it relaxing to cook (I hasten to add that this would involve heating some soup and chucking some salad in a bowl, plus maybe some scones and a roast at some point). Has he considered how relaxing cooking can be if you do it as a break from work? Just like the washing up really.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:35

but I would never not cook for him.

Not computing

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 05/12/2015 22:38

DH doesn't demand dinner, but I would never not cook for him.

WHy

If someone treated me like then I wouldnt cook for them.

He clearly has no problems with not cooking for you or not helping you does he?

pinkyredrose · 05/12/2015 22:40

Why would you never not cook for him?

Runningupthathill82 · 05/12/2015 22:44

I was sort of with you, OP, until you seriously brought up "sorting out presents" as an example of the "work" you have to do while both your children are in school/childcare.

While I can see why you're annoyed, you're creating work for yourself. It sounds martyrish and joyless.
Do the washing with the 3-y-o (i do, he hangs the socks while I do the rest). Give the toddler tasks to do while you're unloading the dishwasher, for example. Mine puts his own crockery away. Do the "present buying" with the 3-y-o, plonk them in front of Ben and Holly while you sort the bills. Hey presto, two days a week created in which to drink coffee, read books and have baths.

TendonQueen · 05/12/2015 22:44

Maybe he just eats it because it's there? Does he also imagine it's prepared by kitchen elves?

Any sensible human being, when their partner who always cooks day in day out, was told 'I'm tired, I need a rest' would have said one of three things:

Shall I do it
Shall I get us a takeaway
I'm tired too, so why don't I pop down to the shop and get a pizza as something super easy

Why is this man absolved from normal human awareness and kindness, simply because he works full time?

wiltingfast · 05/12/2015 22:44

Well, stick for your own back there. Yabu

talkiinpeace · 05/12/2015 22:44

So he does not see the kids during the week
and still leaves you in charge of them at the weekend
these are his kids aren't they ?

Saturday night is takeaway/delivery night : nobody cooks
and HE spends time with the kids while you get the table ready for the food to be delivered
and HE baths the kids on a Saturday
and HE chills with the kids on Sunday morning while you have a lie in

its not much to ask if he's actually interested in them

Original poster

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:45

Don't know why I would never not cook for him, but I just wouldn't. It feels harsh and definitely wouldn't want the DC to ask why I didn't cook for Daddy.

OP posts:

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