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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

232 replies

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:13

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 05/12/2015 22:46

So the solution is to think up ingenious ways of multi-tasking, rather than ever ask your full-time working partner to lift so much as a finger at weekends? Really?

wiltingfast · 05/12/2015 22:48

i assume he is capable of knocking a meal together????

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:49

it sounds like you are your own worst enemy

seriously, you need to read Wifework (I linked it upthread)

it might change your life for the better

unless of course you think the text therein is a different language, like you do this thread

in that case, carry on the way you are

I judge you for bringing your children up in that sexist environment though...they will grow up thinking women are little more than domestic servants

wiltingfast · 05/12/2015 22:49

you don't think they might ask why daddy never cooks??

DaemonPantalaemon · 05/12/2015 22:51

But I would never not cook for him.

So what's the problem then?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 22:51

Tendon - they're not 'ingenious ways', theyre bog standard, sensible ways of doing stuff, to allow both parents to have a rest and a bit of a life.

SaloonBalloon · 05/12/2015 22:52

Yes Lotty I do understand where you're coming from. Maybe your 3yr old is to young but maybe suggest going for a pub lunch on a Sunday. If your DH asks why say you have to cook every day and just once you'd like to sit down with your family and not have to cook.

I eventually got fed up of cooking and DH saying " Have you got any ideas about dinner" so eventually I cooked for the children earlier in the day and got some microwave meals in for DH which he could have when he wanted/got in for work. Weekends I cooked for everyone.

FormerlyKnownasFK · 05/12/2015 22:54

Maybe not cooking is not worth the row.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:54

not worth the row ?

what row would that be then ?

"you didn't cook for me"

yes, you got that right

the end

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 22:58

Tendon - We were out last Sunday and I saw this nice craft activity to do with the DC. DH said: "Why don't you buy it?" I told him I wouldn't have time to do it with the DC, as I'd have to cook as soon as we got home. He then offered to cook. I took up his offer. When we got home, I gave the kids drinks ans snacks and he asked if it would be ok to read the paper for 10 minutes before starting on dinner. I said that that was fine. 20 minutes later, while I was unloading the washing machine, he was on his phone and hadn't started dinner. I said to him that I thought he should put the oven on. He said he wanted to finish reading what he was reading, so I said I'd make dinner if he didn't want to. This was interpreted as "Make dinner now!" I was just trying to be kind in offering to make dinner after all.

Dinner was simply:
Fish - shove it in the oven
Chips - shove it in the oven
Cauliflower - steam it

I purposely kept it simple so that he wouldn't have much to do. He had the paper out whilst cooking, some of the fish ended up being partly raw and the cauliflower wasn't very cooked. However, I simply thanked DH for cooking dinner. DH however left in a rage halfway through dinner when I told DS that part of his fish was raw and swapped mine with his.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 23:00

he sounds like a piece of work, tbh

TheLesserSpottedBee · 05/12/2015 23:02

I am a SAHM with a 12 and 9 year old. In the week I do everything, laundry, housework, dinner.

Dh still brings me a cup of tea every night once we have put the kids to bed and packs the dishwasher after dinner anal about how it is packed Grin

On a weekend he does lunches and dinner for all of us.

So I am totally confused why your Dh gets to be waited on hand and foot all day every day. The fact that you will still make him dinner after he treats you so appallingly liked hired help, is shocking.

He needs to stop avoiding family life which is exactly what he is doing.

TendonQueen · 05/12/2015 23:02

Arethere so why is it her job alone to think of these things, and why is it not possible to approach weekend tasks as a team, rather than his newspaper time being sacrosanct? Why doesn't he want to spent any time with his kids unsupervised and somehow that's okay?

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:03

Saloon - We do go out for meals sometimes at the weekend. We ate out both on Saturday and Sunday lunch last week. That was a nice treat and we certainly can't afford to do that every weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:07

Also, if I ask DH to help, he tells me I should ask my parents to help (90 minutes away) or my in laws to help (2.5 hours away)!

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 05/12/2015 23:08

When the kids want you to do stuff while your cooking why don't you direct them to your husband. That's how it works in our house if mummy/daddy is busy and the other isn't then DC are directed their way.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 05/12/2015 23:09

So bascially everyone else should do the hard work of parenting his kids except him?

Why the fuck are you with him?!

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:10

Strawberry - I did that today, but DH kept telling DC that he was reading the paper. Eventually, he just put a DVD on for them.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 05/12/2015 23:13

Ok so how exactly do you see this improving? You aren't prepared to so anything differently. Neither is he. I say win win for him.

I agree your dh should do more but you'd need to lose the martyr act. Start asking him to do stuff. It's not a big deal to say 'can you put the washing on'. Stop doing stuff for him when he doesn't do it. Leave him to put the kids to bed. So what if he's a bit late with it. He will soon learn that if he wants a longer evening he can do quicker bedtime. Stop treating him like a child. If he doesn't cook tea in time give the kids beans, give him beans, you're going to have to down tools if you want things to change.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:13

Gladys - Because at the end of the day, I love him. I'm not looking to break up my family. I just think a little bit of help at the weekends would be nice.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 23:14

he doesn't think you deserve any help though

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:16

Zen - I have tried not getting the kids ready for bed. It all ends badly because first of all, my kids don't really want Daddy to get them ready for bed. It's then a battle, which generally ends with the DC crying and DH bad tempered.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 23:17

he has you very well trained, for sure

SaloonBalloon · 05/12/2015 23:21

I'm off to bed but do look after yourself Lotty and do not allow yourself to become ill by taking on too much.

And you're not being a martyr I think you would just rather have someone respond to your kids when you're busy. TV should not be the answer to everything.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 23:21

Any f - Hadn't thought of it like that before! I doubt DH thinks he has though. He probably thinks I'm totally out of order for asking him to take a break from reading his paper.

OP posts: