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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

232 replies

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:13

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 00:14

Any F - Yes he does, for which I am thankful. It could be worse.

OP posts:
wiltingfast · 06/12/2015 00:21

The kids want you because they are used to you. Everyone is used to you doing it. Because you always do it. Catch 22 etc etc.

It won't change until YOU enable change.

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 00:22

Thankful ?

Gimme strength

TendonQueen · 06/12/2015 00:28

OP, you've had a hard time on here I think from people who are extraordinarily averse to you asking anything of your husband. However, you also need to steel yourself to do exactly that. There have also been good suggestions for dialogue here: use some of those. Ask him directly to play with the children. Spill water on his newspaper

It's the lack of interest in the kids that would be most disappointing to me. When my husband worked long hours in this way, he was thrilled to spend time with DS at weekends, including nappy changing, food prep, whatever needed doing.

Pipestheghost · 06/12/2015 00:28

Good lord, why do women put up with this shit? It is 2015, not 1955 ffs

Russellgroupserf · 06/12/2015 00:29

Taking aside the issue of non helpful DH which has been covered by others what are you actually doing in the time the DC are at school?

My friend never has a second but lives in a show home where she even tidies the cushions as soon as you move from her sofa. Apart from the issue of your DH are you a perfectionist by any chance?

SecretBondGirl · 06/12/2015 00:33

OP You do remind me of an acquaintance who insists all meals have to be home made and cooked from scratch, all laundry has to be ironed just so, Sunday dinner was sacrosanct and everything had to be done her way. Well her Dh and teenage dcs still do nothing around the house while she huffs and puffs at them as she works through her daily lists of chores

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 06/12/2015 00:46

I am struggling here for the smell of burning martyr.

I'm sorry but while I agree that your H isnt stepping up, you have kind of created this situation and are certainly not doing anything to stop it.

Either leave him to it, and let him deal with the aftermath of a late dinner with kids going crazy with tiredness and not eating (maybe one reminder that the kids dont cope well with a late meal and then leave it at that), or do it yourself. Its like you want him to fail so you can feel happy in your own ability to cope!

I dont ask, I expect. Although sometimes it doesnt always work.

Example (apologies AF this will boil your fucking piss as it did mine!) H said to me yesterday "I loaded the dishwasher for you this morning"

Would anyone like to a) spot his mistake and b) guess what I said/did?

KakiFruit · 06/12/2015 00:55

Reading this is so frustrating. The OP isn't prepared to change a thing so why on earth moan about the situation? Do something or STFU.

AndNowItsSeven · 06/12/2015 01:01

Why does you three year old only do ten hours rather than fifteen at nursery?

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 06/12/2015 01:07

Whats that got to do with anything Andnow?

DaemonPantalaemon · 06/12/2015 08:02

I am struggling here for the smell of burning martyr

The OP isn't prepared to change a thing so why on earth moan about the situation? Do something or STFU

Every now and then you get one of these threads. The OPs never respond to suggestions and don't really engage with posters. They are resentful yes, but are also invested in an image of themselves as perfect wives. So the result is a sort of self-pitying "oh poor me, I am such a good person, my husband is so horrible, but that's just the way it is" attitude.

It used to make me very sad and frustrated, but now I realise that people in such situations always have choices. They just choose not to take them.

Lauren15 · 06/12/2015 08:45

Yes Daemon I think they want people to say 'poor you'.

overwhelmed34 · 06/12/2015 08:50

OP as an alternative to some of the passive aggressive responses on here...
We have a lot of this at home. My DH is from a culture where things are a bit behind what they are here (think quite 1950s), and his mum is an absolute martyr who works from dusk to dawn. So it often just doesn't occur to him to pitch in. I've taken to giving him a choice, eg..

'The dinner needs cooking and the kids want company. Which would you prefer?'
'The kids need bathing and the washing up needs doing. Which are you going to do?'

I don't think waiting till you are at breaking point and then losing your temper will have a positive effect if you want him to help willingly, rather than begrudgingly (nothing worse than him feeling like you owe him for deigning to wash up once a week.)

Also, as a SAHM I do make sure I meet a friend for coffee, or sit down for an hour or so. I know it may be my only chance for a break especially with a wakeful little one. I also have a hobby which means I am out one evening a week and DH has to put the kids to bed. He was reluctant at first, but has found his own way, and now really values Tuesday nights when it's just the three of them.

So, just some thoughts. I just don't think 'just stop doing everything' will help in the long run...

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/12/2015 08:58

I love being a SAHM, but it doesn't mean you have to be the house slave does it?

Well yes, yes it does, when you're married to a man like your husband.

I fully support any woman's right to be a SAHM, but it only works when you're married to an enlightened man, who doesn't expect himself and his home to be serviced, along with the children.

And you're clearly not married to such a man. So, the upshot is that you're the house slave and you're not really willing to do anything to change that, for fear of rocking the boat.

Bounced · 06/12/2015 09:04

OP I do understand how hard it is to just stop doing stuff. I feel awful when I (only!) buy the present, card and wrapping paper and leave them out ready, and then the kids go off to a party with daddy with no card because he left it too late / couldn't be bothered. I couldn't put them in a position where they had no present to take, or an unwrapped one.

But you have to think about what you can live with (eg late meals that aren't as healthy as you might like) and things you can't (eg kids not getting to a much-anticipated activity on time with the right stuff). Then talk to your husband about him taking responsibility for certain things and just leaving him to it. No hints or reminders.

It is tough, because you feel the kids will suffer, but it gives him space to do things his own way and for you to step back.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/12/2015 09:09

Can't believe people have said YABU.

If he was single he would have to cook for himself etc. He is getting a free ride.

I thought this attitude died out in the 1950s

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/12/2015 09:36

I also think blaming her for his slackness is a bit crap

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/12/2015 09:39

I don't think he is getting an easy ride either. He has the burden of having to financially support a whole family, and works so many hours that he isn't home until late at night. If there was a men's version of mumsnet, his story would probably be that he has to work all the hours that god sends, and then to do housework at the weekend.

If your kids are in school and nursery, then its probable that you do have an easier time than him during the week. It sounds like neither of you are happy - could you arrange a more shared and equal distribution of the work? Could you go out to work a couple of days a week to contribute to the finances, and maybe your OH could cut down his hours so he gets home at a decent time? He is probably totally tired out at the moment. You chose to be a SAHM, but is that working for your husband? A more even distribution of money earning, housework and childcare might benefit you both.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/12/2015 09:52

his story would probably be that he has to work all the hours that god sends, and then to do housework at the weekend

And why shouldn't he?

Single men and women do housework too.

Shantotto · 06/12/2015 10:03

How big is this newspaper that he has to spend all weekend reading it?! Is it like the magical mumsnet chicken that lasts 5 days?

You really need to get him to cook more often - I'm sure with a bit of practice he'll get better at it and stop serving up raw fish.

Or leave him out and tell the kids Daddy isn't eating with us because he wants to read the paper.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 11:02

Tendon, Gladys & Overwhelmed - When I ask my DH to do things, he says that I am always putting demands upon him and we end up rowing, again. So I just shut up and do everything myself again.

Earlier this year, I was unhappy as he rarely said thank you to me for doing all of his ironing. Instead of saying that he'd try and say thank you more often, which is all it would have taken, he said, he'd do his ironing himself. So I left him to do his own ironing and after a couple of weeks, he broke both the iron and ironing board in a rage and shouted at me in front of my parents - very humiliating. I then had to replace the iron and ironing board and went back to ironing his bloody shirts, although he will now iron his shirts every now and then now.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/12/2015 11:04

Leave his shirts unironed.

He sounds like a huge manchild.

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 11:05

Russell - I am looking after my 3 year old when my 5 year old is at school, other than the 10 hours when my 3 year old is at nursery. I don't think making your children are well looked after is bring a perfectionist. I certainly don't straighten out my cushions frequently!

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 11:05

Wilting - Yes, that's right, everyone is used to me doing everything.

OP posts:
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