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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to invite a guy for dinner but not have sex

113 replies

YohY · 01/12/2015 13:43

To invite a guy over for dinner but not have sex

We have know each other for 4-5 years (through work) but recently over last few months got close in terms of discussions been on a few dates (meals out cinema that type of thing)

I really do like him and wanted to invite him over for a nice meal but not sure about sex... We haven't even kissed! I have a feeling he likes me but is holding back but from his body language ( I catch him staring a lot, always finding excuses to touch me, certain comments) I think he has some feelings for me.

I just want to get to know him first and this can be difficult when in restaurants/watching a movie but people in RL say inviting him over for dinner will most likely lead to sex or that might be what he is expecting

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 01/12/2015 13:46

No way. I think you can definitely invite him over for dinner and not have sex and if you haven't kissed then he won't necessarily expect sex either. If it was your "third date" and you'd done other stuff then you invited him to dinner at your house, he may well be hopeful of sex, but still can not obviously expect it.

Be safe though - you trust him? He's of good character? I know it can be hard to tell.

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 01/12/2015 13:46

Huh? People are saying that a dinner invitation = an expectation for sex from someone you haven't even kissed?

They are bonkers. Do they also avoid eating in hotels as they are also bedroom adjacent?

SushiAndTheBanshees · 01/12/2015 13:46

Are you for real?

You really think that just because you invite a man over for dinner you are obliged to sleep with him??

Holy cow. Sometimes I feel so, so old (and I'm not).

DawnOfTheDoggers · 01/12/2015 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hygge · 01/12/2015 13:47

You shouldn't have sex if you don't feel comfortable, and if he expects sex just because he's in your house then you definitely shouldn't have it.

Ignore the other people, it's attitudes like that that leave people feeling rushed and pressured, and it might not be what he expects at all.

Unreasonablebetty · 01/12/2015 13:48

Of course you can have him over without having sex.
He shouldn't be expecting sex if you've never kissed.

Daisysbear · 01/12/2015 13:48

I agree with Sushi.

Your RL friends are both ridiculous and a bit sad.

mmmminx · 01/12/2015 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/12/2015 13:55

as above, but just be wary if he bounces in with an overnight bag Grin

Sallyingforth · 01/12/2015 14:00

Could you just smile and say 'You won't need to bring your toothbrush."
That worked for me.

ofshoes · 01/12/2015 14:12

Jesus, I invite people to my house for dinner all the time, am I supposed to be fucking them?

Stillunexpected · 01/12/2015 14:16

The fact that you are old enough to have been at work for at least 5 years suggests that you are not a teenager. So it is worrying that, at whatever age you are, you believe people who tell you that dinner = sex. Nothing ever equals sex unless you want it to and if your friends are suggesting that, you need to find some friends with a stronger moral compass.

alltouchedout · 01/12/2015 14:19

I just... what on earth is this question? Of course you can offer dinner and mean just dinner.
I mean, pre marriage I was a slutty slut who didn't need dinner or anything else to get shagging, but I only had sex when I wanted to and the idea of being obliged to shag someone because I had fed them never occurred to me.

VIX1307 · 01/12/2015 14:19

If you're worried, why not just find a nice place to have a quiet drink somewhere? Doesn't necessarily have to be a movie or busy restaurant. Plus if you don't get on or aren't feeling it, it's a lot easier to call it a night then if he's at your house with 3 courses to get through :)

FinallyHere · 01/12/2015 14:22

What Sally said.

I get that you don't want to raise false expectations and that this 'might' be construed as your invitation for him to get closer. It would be good for you both to be clear on that point, so I would actually talk about it, lightheartedly. 'I'd like to invite you to my place so supper (or whatever) but am afraid that it might be misconstrued as an invitation to something more'

Nowadays, i make it a rule to only sleep with people to whom i can talk about anything and everything. The best way Ive found, is to make sure i talk about everything before DTD. What is the wrst that can happen? Hope it goes well for you.

molyholy · 01/12/2015 14:22

Wow. Dinner = expectation of sex!! Are you mad??? Definitely not. Dinner is dinner.

PigletJohn · 01/12/2015 14:26

no but if your friends have convinced you it is expected, ask him for Sunday lunch and send him home before dark.

Lunchtime assignations seem to carry less baggage.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2015 14:28

I invite people to my house for dinner all the time, am I supposed to be fucking them? Grin

It's a very good, 'are you a fuckwit?' test. Any expectations (rather than hopes or possibilities) around sex means he is a fuckwit and not worth spending a second on.

I'd avoid a dinner of oysters, champagne and chocolate fondue. Hmm

Original poster
YohY · 01/12/2015 14:32

thanks for responses

It was just a few people that joked about it (though male)

I'm 31 professional quite highly trained (so is he) so not an idiot just been out of the dating game for a while so don't know what the norm is plus hours of studying for past 10 years means I'm not very streetwise

It's just sec seems to be overrated in a relationship that's all

OP posts:
Original poster
YohY · 01/12/2015 14:33

Sorry sex seems so overrated

OP posts:
TesticleOfObjectivity · 01/12/2015 14:34

Well put it this way, if he comes over expecting sex and is unhappy to find out that a dinner invitation is just a dinner invitation so he gets into a moody grump, then thank your lucky stars for the early discovery and do not proceed to enter a relationship with him. If he is a normal person then I'm sure you'll have a lovely meal. Maybe things will lead to sex, if you both want to but if not that's OK. I've had sex a lot, and I've had dinner even more. I've had plenty of dinners with no sex. Inviting someone for dinner is not the same as inviting someone over for sex. Even if you did say "want to come over to mine for dinner and sex." But changed your mind about the sex bit during dinner, you're under no obligations to carry out the sex. Sorry to sound patronising, but you need to remove that idea from your head.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 01/12/2015 14:36

Although I now am wondering if this is partly why mil and fil never invite me over for dinner.

lavenderhoney · 01/12/2015 14:36

As you haven't even kissed yet, I would expect a snog to be possible not sex!

I've invited a man round for dinner and been to his for dinner and not had sex with him- or anything else apart from a kiss- and we were dating! No rush.

Besides, its a good way to see if he's a chancer or not, and when he asks if he should bring a bottle, you can say " oh, that would be lovely, I suppose you can have one, even if you're driving" and out before midnight:)

ChippyOik · 01/12/2015 14:38

I think it can be tricky. Men might well assume. No point reprimanding the OP, it's other people's perceptions she's concerned with.

Original poster
YohY · 01/12/2015 14:38

It's not in my head don't worry it's just the guys (my area is a little male dominated) joked when I said I was inviting round for food... They know I like him

I did actually suggest just dinner (wanted to make it up to him for the meals he paid for and cinema) and he then said he is always up for food and popcorn so I assumed he wanted to watch a film too

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