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AIBU?

AIBU to invite a guy for dinner but not have sex

113 replies

YohY · 01/12/2015 13:43

To invite a guy over for dinner but not have sex

We have know each other for 4-5 years (through work) but recently over last few months got close in terms of discussions been on a few dates (meals out cinema that type of thing)

I really do like him and wanted to invite him over for a nice meal but not sure about sex... We haven't even kissed! I have a feeling he likes me but is holding back but from his body language ( I catch him staring a lot, always finding excuses to touch me, certain comments) I think he has some feelings for me.

I just want to get to know him first and this can be difficult when in restaurants/watching a movie but people in RL say inviting him over for dinner will most likely lead to sex or that might be what he is expecting

OP posts:

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witsender · 05/12/2015 08:19

I'd definitely have less of an issue with someone using a syrup club than a strip club in that case. The latter would be a deal breaker.

NorksAreMessy · 04/12/2015 21:19

I like the sound of a syrup club.
Swimming in it, or just enjoying a tin with a straw?

YohY · 04/12/2015 21:13

Harsh but some truth to it yes

OP posts:

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 04/12/2015 17:43

To be fair, there are lots of moderate Muslims who do have sex before marriage though, just like there are lots of people who identify as Catholic who do.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2015 17:38

he's a Muslim he won't be looking for sex outside of marriage anyway, huh

he won't be looking for sex outside of marriage with a woman he feels has enough worth to marry

chilledwarmth · 04/12/2015 13:45

He might be hoping, or infer that sex is where the invitation is leading to, but you don't need to sleep with him. If he does care about you, he won't mind that you want to wait.

ComposHatComesBack · 04/12/2015 13:43

he's a Muslim he won't be looking for sex outside of marriage anyway, huh

If his faith was that bigger deal, paying women to grind their crotches into his face would be a no no too. The fact he does this suggests that his religion might be something he is flexible on when it suits.

NameChange30 · 03/12/2015 20:58

He might not be hoping for sex though! He might want to take it slow. I think it might be an idea to make it clear the invite is for dinner only, ie he will be leaving that might not the next morning!, just to avoid awkwardness on the night, but I don't think the OP has to do that if she doesn't want to.

Flashbangandgone · 03/12/2015 19:36

AnyoneButSanta

Very sensible and balanced post... IMO if you invite someone over to dinner at yours he would NBU to be hopeful that it would end in sex.... If you really don't want to risk dashing his hopes then either make it clear beforehand or go out instead.

AnyoneButSanta · 03/12/2015 07:43

Ignoring the strip club thing.

If he likes the idea of having sex with you then that doesn't make him a bad person.
If when he hears the words "come over to my place to dinner" he thinks "Ooh! That's a scenario is very often (but by no means always) a prelude to sex in the context of a developing romantic relationship. Excellent news!" then that does not make him a bad person.
If he is inwardly a bit disappointed to then find out at the end of the evening that you are not interested in any sex that day then it wouldn't make him a bad person. (Though obviously sulking or anything stronger would make him a very bad person).

The problem is that we're so crap at talking about sex openly (hence the whole Netflix and Chill confusion). But in the interests of keeping things developing nicely I'd find a way to signal in advance that you will be kicking him out the door after dessert and perhaps a cheeky snog.

YohY · 03/12/2015 06:54

I thought that I don't think he is strict as he wouldn't be coming to my house alone.

I would hope he isn't interested in sex anyway to be honest. Saw him again today and he is really a nice guy would like to make an effort with this one think it will be worth it.

OP posts:

EchoOfADistantTide · 03/12/2015 02:06

If he's a Muslim he won't be looking for sex outside of marriage anyway, huh?

YohY · 02/12/2015 22:33

Sorry why is the strip club a problem I think I've been confusing as far as I know he has been a few times but I don't think it's a frequenting/weekly thing

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 02/12/2015 22:15

STRIP club! Not syrup club!

NameChange30 · 02/12/2015 22:15

I don't think there's anything wrong with inviting a man over for dinner, whether you plan to have sex with him or not, if you enjoy cooking and want a more intimate date, it's a good idea.

I just wouldn't invite this man. The syrup club thing is a massive turn off. But if you don't have a problem with it, go ahead and maybe take up strip dancing lessons

YohY · 02/12/2015 22:09

Yes was just trying to avoid awkwardness of him paying again I am happy to pay but I think cooking a meal is so much nicer and thoughtful

Also avoiding the awkwardness of the end of the night when you are out and about.

OP posts:

thebestfurchinchilla · 02/12/2015 19:22

I think maybe you should go OUT to dinner if you are in any way unsure of his intentions or yours and you don't sound confident in your own boundaries.

YohY · 02/12/2015 17:33

A lot of insinuation is going on here

I don't want to fuck this guy.. Yet

I was merely asking if sex was the done thing these days as I don't want to give him false impressions

I have really no reason to suspect him as he mostly acts like a gentleman

Of course I appreciate his job and demeanour doesnt guarantee good behaviour as I can't predict anything and people can have a nasty side to them

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 02/12/2015 17:15

"No what I meant is he is unlikely to want to jeopardise his career by doing something stupid regarding his professional status"

A lot of men are arrogant enough to assume they'll get away with it. Some of them feel entitled to do what they want and don't even think they're doing anything wrong.

YohY · 02/12/2015 17:09

No what I meant is he is unlikely to want to jeopardise his career by doing something stupid regarding his professional status

But of course that's not guaranteed

OP posts:

YohY · 02/12/2015 17:05

I'm not trolling I swear to god
I don't mean to drip feed honestly I was just trying to find out what is the done thing

I feel bad as I've made him out to be a sex crazed person into strip clubs he is actually really nice

OP posts:

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 02/12/2015 16:42

Strip clubs...eeewwwww. I've gone orf him too.
Thinking about it, my chap came to mine for dinner after we had been dating a bit but not kissed yet. He cooked though . (And we did kiss but no nooky).
I would be pondering what kind of man thinks it's cool to pay women to gyrate in his face in the altogether, and how this might be an indication of how he views women as commodities. I would never date a man who frequents strip clubs, that would be a deal breaker.

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thebestfurchinchilla · 02/12/2015 16:10

YANBU!You haven't even kissed yet so I think you're getting ahead of yourself. Take it slow or jump into bed but you both have to want it.

Preciousxbane · 02/12/2015 14:22

Harold Shipman was a highly trained pro, just saying.

NameChange30 · 02/12/2015 13:18

"He is a highly trained pro he wouldn't dream of doing such a thing"

What the actual fuck. Apparently only untrained, unprofessional men rape or sexually assault women
Honestly one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN.

If you trust him, great, but don't say that you trust him because he's a "highly trained pro" FFS.

I agree with MrsTerryPratchett and the other PPs who have gone off him. The kind of man who goes to strip clubs is not the kind of man I'd be making dinner for.

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