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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

147 replies

Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:20

Hi - I am a regular but have name changed due to not having done so for a while Smile

Just wanting to garner some opinion on who is BU and it's not us how we might navigate the situation with his ex.

Oh has been banned from driving due to accumulation of points - his fault.

He works in same town as his DC 170 miles away and he comes home via train and every other weekend brings his DC on two buses and a train and I do a 70 mile round trip Fri and Sun to collect them from the station (saving a third train and v tired DC).

Obviously this has cost him a fortune and at the other end he puts DC in a taxi home from train station.

OH ex is moving house some distance from where she is now and OH has said he will pay the same amount as before for the taxi (until he gets licence back) but can she make up the remainder (she doesn't drive) which she has refused to do saying that it's his fault he lost his licence (true) but she is choosing to move.

For 5 yrs OH drove over 600 miles each way every other weekend to have DC.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
wasonthelist · 29/11/2015 21:24

Eeeeeek Dunno who is BU really. I can see both sides - really.

I am resisting the urge to comment on other aspects so as not wander off topic. Maybe someone with a more categorical view will turn up soon, sorry.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:25

I am not really interested discussing the driving ban - no Smile

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 29/11/2015 21:29

Did he choose to move so far away from them in the first place?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:30

No.

OP posts:
MelanieCheeks · 29/11/2015 21:32

Leave the driving ban out of it. Even if he were able to use a car, this would still entail an additional cost. so it comes down to the costs of visits. If she moved to the other side of the world who would pay?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:32

Probably still him Grin

OP posts:
BlueJug · 29/11/2015 21:33

Sounds rough on the kids. I think if I were ex wife and could see how hard this was for my DC I'd help out. It isn't about point scoring. This is clearly very difficult for DC and your DH.

Do you drive? Could you help out?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:35

I said in my OP that I do - I do 2 two hour trips every time we have them.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 29/11/2015 21:37

He may be eligible for a reduction in maintenance if his travel costs to see the children increase.

Not necessarily, but may help you out a bit if his ex is refusing point blank.

Izzabellasasperella · 29/11/2015 21:38

If he works in the same town as his dc why don't you live there?

BlueJug · 29/11/2015 21:38

Sorry - didn't realise that. Stupid - sorry.

It is a very difficult situation. Maybe the whole arrangement needs a re-think - although I have no idea how? It seems unsustainable anyway. As kids get older there is no way they are going to want to do that every other weekend.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:39

Hmm that might be worth checking out.

The CSA only take into account petrol when the DC are actually in the car which is a bit shit tbh.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 21:41

I don't understand the housing situation.
He works in the town where the kids live?
So - where does he live in the week?
Why doesn't he just stay up with them at the weekend?
Why on earth (before the ban) was he subjecting the kids to 340 miles of driving EOW?

Even without the ban, why not just stay up there on his weekends? Better for the kids too, not to miss parties and clubs? And certainly not to spend hours of their lives in a car.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:43

He can't have the kids where he stays. He is in the forces - he took a post in the same town as his kids.

Before he moved the kids did 2.5 hours each way in the car - it really wasn't that terrible for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:44

The only time we see each other is on the weekend too.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 29/11/2015 21:45

Just was going to ask Cabrinha's question - he lives in the same town they are in during the week but spends weekends with you, is that right? Then I would say he stays in that town every other weekend and you go there, or he have the DSC on his own.

Long term if you are thinking of living together full time, it would need to be you moving to that town unless he got a new job near you.

DinosaursRoar · 29/11/2015 21:47

Ah, X post. Then I think he needs to think about having a housing situation in the town he lives and works in that's suitable for access, rather than using your house for access, and you go there. Do you have DCs?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:47

We own a house together in the town I live in. My DC go to school here, I have a career here I can't follow him around moving my kids and myself every time he gets posted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:48

He cannot afford a "housing situation" in the town he works in - and we would only see each other 4 days a month Hmm

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 29/11/2015 21:50

He should pay. It's down to his actions he's not driving.

Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 21:51

So it was their mother that moved away, but he managed to follow them up there by getting a posting locally to them, for the time being?

Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 21:54

Depends a bit (whether YABU/R) on whether the XW is being unhelpful or genuinely can't afford the additional taxi fare.

Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 21:57

Seeing each other 4 days a month would be rubbish - but temporary until he gets his licence back. So not the end of the world.
How flexible is your child's father? Can you co-ordinate contact dates so you go up one of the weekends (if he could sort accommodation there)

Can the Welfare Officer help at all? I have no idea if this is possible, but for example if there were empty married quarters he could use / rent EOW?

Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 22:00

It's not all down to his actions though.
If he was still driving, would you think it fair for the XW to pay additional petrol to her new place?
I think so.
I think it's his fault there's a taxi involved, but I think it would be fair to expect the equivalent petrol payment, just not taxi fare.

It's a shame she don't drive from new house to the train station and get rid of that last taxi altogether. But we don't know how the marriage ended!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:00

Seeing each other 4 days a month is not an option. He gets his licence back in the summer and will then be away for 5 months.

This is the first time in 6 yrs we have not had an extended period apart.

I wasn't really asking for advice re our living arrangements Hmm

OP posts: