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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

147 replies

Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:20

Hi - I am a regular but have name changed due to not having done so for a while Smile

Just wanting to garner some opinion on who is BU and it's not us how we might navigate the situation with his ex.

Oh has been banned from driving due to accumulation of points - his fault.

He works in same town as his DC 170 miles away and he comes home via train and every other weekend brings his DC on two buses and a train and I do a 70 mile round trip Fri and Sun to collect them from the station (saving a third train and v tired DC).

Obviously this has cost him a fortune and at the other end he puts DC in a taxi home from train station.

OH ex is moving house some distance from where she is now and OH has said he will pay the same amount as before for the taxi (until he gets licence back) but can she make up the remainder (she doesn't drive) which she has refused to do saying that it's his fault he lost his licence (true) but she is choosing to move.

For 5 yrs OH drove over 600 miles each way every other weekend to have DC.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Baconyum · 30/11/2015 13:09

Yabu

For starters it's none of your business what she earns. Did he tell you? How does he know?

Why is 'seeing him 4 days a month not an option'? And yes have a Hmm his kids are more important than you or should be.

The cost of access quarter should be balanced against NOT just the cost of the taxi but all the other transport.

When they split they all have lost their home. She likely went back to her home town. Yes?

He was VERY LUCKY to get a posting to her home town where his kids live. Very unusual you rarely get a choice in postings (despite filling in forms stating your top 3). This may well come home to roost if he gets a posting, not just a deployment overseas.

Why did she have to go to Csa? Presumably he was not paying maintenance correctly?

And whether you like hearing it or not he was a dick to lose his licence particularly as it was so important in terms of seeing his kids.

Frankly I don't see your relationship lasting as you're unwilling to adapt to forces life and seem antagonistic to both his ex and his kids

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 13:11

Oh and legally it's supposed to be the nrp that covers transport costs. There's small concessions if they're extensive but as he's in the forces most courts will disregard that. Especially as he gets travel warrants.

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 13:12

Oh and when not using travel warrants gets 1/3 off train travel

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 30/11/2015 13:20

He sees them after school once a week too if you read the post.

Coming home four days a month isn't an option because this is HIS HOME which he now pays for - who on earth can afford 3 residences? His room, our house and a room every other weekend to see his kids?

We certainly cannot and you are mistaken regarding travel costs - that might be so in the army he isn't in the army.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 13:24

No, he can't afford 3 residences.
So he shouldn't have taken a third one on.
He should move out of yours - he doesn't need to be there financially, for you, it was yours before.

He only needs to maintain one home, renting near his job and kids.

Then he can travel to see you EOW.
And you can come up to see him sometimes too, so you see more of each other.

It sucks. I'm sympathetic about the costs and I'm VERY sympathetic about the Forces situation - I'm only 6 months into it, and tbh the impracticality and distance has broken us, I think.

But - this is life. If he can't afford to live with you, then he shouldn't.

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 13:29

Actually that's all armed forces. My family are all military, all branches and I'm an ex wife of an raf man. Plus it used to be my job to administer travel docs. I still have friends in and working in that job and checked with them before posting.

If HE can't afford it he shouldn't be in a co-habiting relationship with you. He certainly should know the realities of forces life inc after a split (there's plenty of people he could ask). If it went to Csa frankly he's lucky he didn't end up getting disciplinary action! Not paying your dues is grounds.

You're saying the 4 days at your place is not an option because you and possibly he wouldn't like it not that there is any practical reason that he HAS to be there.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 30/11/2015 13:30

He had NO CHOICE but to come on my mortgage - we appealed the tax credits but they said he was living with me because we holiday together and share grocery bills when he is here etc.

I lost my tax credits £400 a month (was investigated and cleared) and he then had to stump up £550 a month maintenance on top of his travel costs the mortgage company wouldn't let me take the mortgage on alone my ex wanted his name off it (even though I had paid it alone for 10 yrs) we had no choice other than to put OH on the mortgage and he pays half as I have lost my tax credits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 30/11/2015 13:31

He was playing his bloody dues!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 30/11/2015 13:34

And you are wrong about the travel without divulging the entire innards of our life on here - it is different for us.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 30/11/2015 13:35

Of course he had a choice - not to support you and your and your ex's kids to stay in a house you could not afford. Because YOUR ex wanted his name off the mortgage and presumably because you didn't want to move somewhere cheaper/rented? Your boyfriends responsibility is to his kids not yours and your ex's.

If he was paying correct maintenance why did she have to get Csa involved?

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 13:36

You did have a choice not to put him on the mortgage!
Your ex couldn't force you to put him on.
Still, that horse has bolted.

If he was paying his dues, why were the CSA involved?

Bottom line, his situation is hard for everyone, but it's his problem that he can't afford to live with you, not hers.

You'd think he'd have been a bit more careful when he reached 9 points Hmm

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 30/11/2015 13:40

If I hadn't put him on my mortgage and he spends his leave here with me at our house I would be committing benefit fraud which would also be wrong.

It's a lot cheaper to cohabit with me than rent his own place (which would not be a married quarter).

All this was not what I asked in my op anyway.

So it's a massive crime for him to want to see his kids and also have a life with me?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 13:44

Yeah, it's cheaper to live with you.
Be cheaper for me to move to my work town - but I don't, because I have a child. Them's the breaks.

It's not a crime wanting to see you and his kids, no. Don't be over dramatic!

But what it is, is a practically and financially difficult situation. And now you both have to make choices on how your finances are, not how you want them to be.

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 13:46

Oh I'd LOVE to know how I'm wrong about the travel concessions given to the armed forces.

www.hmforces-railcard.co.uk/terms-and-conditions

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 13:50

He didn't have to cohabit with you at all.

Not a crime no but he has responsibility to his dc and they should come first. He also has a responsibility to his job and frankly as it's forces they would see it as before you too. He could certainly afford to just pay for his room, stay where his dc are, pay the correct maintenance and you go see him. With him in the forces that's the way it goes.

Idefix · 30/11/2015 14:16

op yabu in thinking the xw needs to contribute to the travel costs but I do understand the amount of stress this must cause you and dp.
I am also surprised that dp is not eligible for reduced travel rates.

As other pp have stated it would be worth exploring if dp could have access to a welfare flat/house when seeing dc, although this would mean not spending the weekend in the house you and dp own.

Whilst you have asked people to not comment on your choices regarding where you live etc it is difficult to somment at all on this situation. To be able to spend more time with dp and make it easier for dp to see his do you would be better off marrying and applying for a MQ and renting out your home that you currently live in. This would free up cash as in many cases your rent would be less than your mortgage repayments. Whilst this would mean you giving up your current job and moving your dc there would be many benefits.

Or as other pp have said you will just need to suck it up.

Shutthatdoor · 30/11/2015 14:21

Oh and legally it's supposed to be the nrp that covers transport costs.

Can you then explain how I know of cases where courts order that parents share travel etc then...

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 14:25

"you would be better off marrying and applying for a MQ"

Relationships with someone in the forces where they DONT do this ime don't last.

Forces relationships already have a lot of pressure on them (and that's without previous marriages, the massive amount of infidelity, ingrained misogyny etc) if you then add a romantic partner that's unwilling to be part of the community it's doomed frankly.

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 14:26

Because it's a civil matter and the law is ambiguous enough in it's wording to allow this. But the spirit of that law is that the nrp pays.

Idefix · 30/11/2015 14:29

That is also my experience Baconyum although I understand many people are unwilling to give up the lives they have built up for themselves.

Dh and I did 18mths apart and that was hard but I had got it into my head I was going to do a nursing degree Grin, as it is such a portable job!

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 14:33

OP has already made the very wise decision not to follow her boyfriend round the country when his work place isn't fixed and he has deployments too.

Be interesting to see that split of travel costs - with her kids dad now further away Shock

I do feel for you, but this is basically a financial conundrum to be resolved.

Perhaps for his relationship with you and his kids, he might look at coming out of the Forces, in time.

In the meantime, I'd focus on the fact that he'll be spending nowt on travel (and a lot of other things) when he deploys this summer, so he should really imagine his travel costs split by those months too.

OnlyAFoolsChance · 30/11/2015 14:34

Not read every post so hopefully not being a parrot... would it not work out CHEAPER for for him to book a B&B/hotel/similar in the home town the weekend he has the kids saving them a really tiring journey, and everyone involved the stress of this large journey.

Yes it would mean you lose out on the weekend with him, but for the greater good. His children arent to blame for everyones locations, and this option could help matters maybe?

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 14:35

Out of interest, how does CSA calculated maintenance work for Forces - Baconyum, you seem to have the inside track?

Is it calculated on current contact and during deployment it's re-calculated so the RP gets more?

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 14:35

Oh I've come across some classics.

Especially wives/partners/husbands who tell their forces partners to 'just tell your boss you're not doing x, we've a holiday booked/I'm working/family are visiting...'

X being

24 hr duty
Training
Deployment
Posting to somewhere they don't want to go

They don't understand that if you're in the forces you do/go where you're bloody told!

I remember one young newlywed wife bless begging her husband to tell his boss he wasn't going to the gulf as it's 'too dangerous' what did she think they do?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 30/11/2015 14:38

Why are people so fixated on this driving ban? The OP's other half seems to do a hell of a lot to have contact with his kids (as he should), so why isn't the ex doing anything at all to help? 'He should have been more careful', maybe the ex should be driving a bit more to help out? She's the one who moved very far away.