Who is BU?

[Cutecat78]

Hi - I am a regular but have name changed due to not having done so for a while

Just wanting to garner some opinion on who is BU and it's not us how we might navigate the situation with his ex.

Oh has been banned from driving due to accumulation of points - his fault.

He works in same town as his DC 170 miles away and he comes home via train and every other weekend brings his DC on two buses and a train and I do a 70 mile round trip Fri and Sun to collect them from the station (saving a third train and v tired DC).

Obviously this has cost him a fortune and at the other end he puts DC in a taxi home from train station.

OH ex is moving house some distance from where she is now and OH has said he will pay the same amount as before for the taxi (until he gets licence back) but can she make up the remainder (she doesn't drive) which she has refused to do saying that it's his fault he lost his licence (true) but she is choosing to move.

For 5 yrs OH drove over 600 miles each way every other weekend to have DC.

Who is BU?

Same as everyone else. Based on salary, any subsequent children produced.

Re contact, based on how contact works when nrp at 'home'. Not increased when they're on deployment ime but then that's deployments of 6 months or less I'm basing it on. Rare to get ones more than 6 months.

She moved far away, but from what was only ever a temporary location for his job!

Why would she stay in (I'm making this location up) Aldershot if he only had 6 months to go there, then was off to Iraq, then back to Unknown Posting?

It's just not a usual situation.
And the OP's boyfriend has moved too - OP doesn't live in a place that has ever been his place of work.

I'm guessing XW would have been more likely to be flexible if she hadn't had to get CSA involved in the past over him cutting travel costs off maintenance!

That said, I would pick the kids up for their sake, to stop them being bundled into a taxi. So I agree it's a shame she isn't doing more.

Paulanka because the reason she moved so far away is because she was only living where she was when they split due to him being in forces. Op hasn't answered but I'm guessing (as is usually the case and what I did) was exw moved back to her home town so she would have family support as a lp.

Should exw stay where forces exh lived at the time (he can be posted anywhere in the world at 28 days notice), where she probably only knew other people connected to the forces?

Paul - because if he hadnt lost his licence, the ex moving from one side of a town to the other would cost an extra quid in petrol and be no big deal. it's the driving ban that's caused the crisis because he's having to use taxis and public transport, when it appears there's no easy public transport links.

(and the OP said the ex doesn't drive at all anyway)

Thanks Baconyum.
So then XW is already picking up the financial hit from his job, of having the kids full time when he is deployed, but no additional maintenance.

Hats off to those who manage such difficulty in their personal lives, for the important job they do.

I'm over sensitive about it at the moment, as I really luuuuuuuurved my RAF chap (well, initial infatuation anyway!) but because I have a child, I can't see a way for us to move forward.

Also because losing his licence was his fault. He broke the law. Also as it was due to an accumulation of penalty points he knew he was at risk of losing it when he committed the final licence losing offence.

Cabrinha I'm guessing you mean you can't marry and move with your raf man as that would interfere with contact between your child and your ex?

It always amuses me how the ex wife STILL has to make allowances and adjustments for shit behaviour from her ex or be labelled "difficult", when when they're not even together. I see it constantly and far too often the new DP/DW seems to love joining in with those expectations too.

His actions led to this situation, he deals with it. Personally speaking though I would be more helpful because I would want life to be easier for my KIDS so they didn't have to do such a strenuous journey. But I don't judge anyone for not being and I think YABU.

Well, I'd only just met RAF chap when he unexpectedly got deployed for 4 months that turned into 6...
(don't tell me that doesn't happen, and therefore he's just avoiding me )
So it's really early days and I'm lucky I can make decisions fairly unemotionally.

But yes... I would not relocate to follow him because:

• it's not even a fixed location
• he then won't be there in the main location when detached or deployed
• it's important to me to keeps child in the same town as both parents
• to do that I've already given myself a killer commute!

That said, we're both middle aged and could do a LDR I think, based on our personalities.

But I have a child and I can't drop her at the weekend to be with him. So add all that together - and it's just a non starter.

I am not surprised when you say the successful marriages you've seen have involved the non Forces partner marrying and following them round.

It's a shame... he was really nice

They all seem really nice at the start

Xw can't drive, unless I am not reading op correctly and xw won't drive to pick up dc.

Im in a very similar situation. Ive stayed in our home town, where we were both from, he is stationed a few hours away.

Both of us dont think its fair that DS spends so much time in the car so when he can, he comes up here and stays with DS in military accomodation he was able to apply for. I dont think its always the same house but i get the impression its an empty house. He then has DS for longer periods over half terms.

Is letting the children travel so much really sustainable long term? Do you think maybe your partner needs to reconsider the arrangements?

Try look into what i wrote above though, he may be able to get accomodation close to them thats suitable for them staying. He could do that every other weekend then bring them home during half terms??

Althogh i do agree that if she is choosing to move further away ten she needs to contribute to the travel costs

It was your responsibility to understand how the time he spent at your place and financial contributions could affect your tax credits. And to sort out housing if your ex was no longer willing to be on the mortgage and you couldn't afford it alone.

Your home/mortgage need not have been his: he could have made the decision to have a place to host his DC in the place he was/is living and where they live, and avoid them having to do a LOT of travel.

You haven't explained why his ex went to the CSA.

You are presenting a lot of things as "have to" when the actual "have tos" are things like pay maintenance, see his DC and drive legally. Not maintain a mortgage and financial partnership with you.

"they said he was living with me because we holiday together and share grocery bills when he is here"

You should have appealed, OP. Holidaying together and sharing grocery bills on the occasions you are together (just a few days a month!) are not the criteria by which the DWP decide whether a couple are living together as husband and wife.

www.hmrc.gov.uk/manuals/ccmmanual/CCM15080.htm

I don't think OP has argued that her boyfriend isn't living with her. I think the fact he is away during the working week only in accommodation where he can't have his kids, and beings his kids to her (their) home shows that he actually considers her home to be his primary home. The military accomm is just where he stays in the week, which isn't even permanent. I would imagine all his stuff is at OP's house, and has been for a considerable period of time.
Tbf to OP, she hasn't complained that she shouldn't have lost tax credits, they do live together.

FWIW when I had a company flat on a temporary assignment Mon-Thu every week, with all my stuff at home and nearly always returning there on weekends, no way would the council tax people have considered my own flat empty! And rightly so.

Yes, I aware of that reference, Cutecat78. Nevertheless, I believe you could have appealed, as the overall criteria did not apply.

He had another home, didn't he, "stayed" somewhere else? You only saw each other for a few days each month. You were not responsible for bringing up or supporting his children, nor he yours. It seems the only thing you did do was take holidays together. You should have appealed (imo).

However as you have now added him to your mortgage, it's too late to consider appeal ... and the travelling problem remains.

How old are his children? Could they travel unaccompanied and, if so, will their family home move bring them any closed to public transport? If not ... for example, if it's a rural area ... it may be worthwhile checking to see if the council area is serviced by Demand Response Transport, which may conect with public transport links.

Agreed.

I don't need to be there for contact no - but my partner and I (we are engaged) have been together 6 years since his DC were 3 and 5, I love them very much (hence I drive 4 hours every weekend and many times have done the entire journey when OH has been unable) I like having them we are a big family and OH is useless at cooking. I sometimes have them when he is away to give ex W a break.

I can't move my kids dad is here and they are in college courses etc and this is my home.

I refuse to follow him around the country or world. I need my world when he is away.

We simply cannot afford a third base - we are getting married so it's perfectly reasonable to want to live together and spend as much time together as a family as possible, esp these two years he isn't away and uncontactable.

We appealed the back date and won - we appealed the current circumstances and lost.

Cabrinha did you really mean "spunk up some money"?

I'm surprised at you baulking at the idea of only spending four days a week with your DP when that's pretty much what the kids get (plus a few afternoons after school). And a lot of that time they spend traveling. You and your DP are the adults here. He knew from experience the pressures that being apart from your partner puts on a relationship and I'm sure you could've hazarded a guess. Those kids don't get to pick a dad who's in the same town or choose where they get to live, but it's them doing the same shit return journey every single fortnight. If you and your DP go the distance you'll have your whole forces free lives together, those kids only get one childhood, especially before the teen years kick in and they want to stay at home and see their mates. It would be shit if most of their dad-memories of this time were based around really long journeys and feeling like poop every other Friday and Sunday evening.

He could speak to welfare like a PP mentioned up above. They'll try to sort out something the odd weekend so they could stay up there in a welfare house and not have to travel. Depending on where he is he could see if there are local holiday parks or rentals that would be happy for a few reliable weekend lets over the off season until he goes on tour. You don't know if you don't try. Then if you wanted to you could drive up to join them. If your kids are at college it's not like you'd be schelping them with you or need to arrange childcare. He's the one who has (and has stayed in) the inflexible job, he's the one that decided to commit to co-owning a house that far away, he's the one that, yes, made those choices which cost him his licence. Whatever the mum does with her spare time and cash and so long as she's not moving another 500 miles away, it's not her lookout to subsidise her ex's decisions.

They have a 3 hour journey - each way over the course of a weekend. A journey in which they get to spend two hours on the train playing with, talking to and interacting with their dad.

1 hour in the car with me because I drive there for an hour straight from work through Friday evening traffic and totally knackered to save them a longer journey.

I also make sure dinner is ready in the slow cooker for all 5 kids when we get back at 7pm.

Yes it's really shite for them.

Cloppysow - yes.

We are struggling to pay a taxi fare - we cannot afford a fucking holiday park, one of my kids is 13 and has Aspergers and 1 of my teenagers cannot be trusted to stay here alone after having a party when we took the younger ones away previously.