Who is BU?

[Cutecat78]

Hi - I am a regular but have name changed due to not having done so for a while

Just wanting to garner some opinion on who is BU and it's not us how we might navigate the situation with his ex.

Oh has been banned from driving due to accumulation of points - his fault.

He works in same town as his DC 170 miles away and he comes home via train and every other weekend brings his DC on two buses and a train and I do a 70 mile round trip Fri and Sun to collect them from the station (saving a third train and v tired DC).

Obviously this has cost him a fortune and at the other end he puts DC in a taxi home from train station.

OH ex is moving house some distance from where she is now and OH has said he will pay the same amount as before for the taxi (until he gets licence back) but can she make up the remainder (she doesn't drive) which she has refused to do saying that it's his fault he lost his licence (true) but she is choosing to move.

For 5 yrs OH drove over 600 miles each way every other weekend to have DC.

Who is BU?

Is that really a saying? Spunk up the money?

It means something very different where i come from.

And no he can't speak to welfare.

He hasn't told work he is banned because he could lose his rating which would mean even less money and even more stress.

Also he lives here, the kids come here there stuff like bikes etc are here.

No one WANTS to go to a hotel.

If I had written an OP saying "please suggest alternative ways for me and my OH to live" I could understand the constant suggestions - but I didn't.

Yes, the travelling 3 hours each way really will be shit for them! And it's unnecessary.

He is probably required to declare the driving ban to his employer.

Less shit than not seeing their dad. You think other kids all over the country don't travel to see their NRP Every. Single.Weekend?!

It is necessary we are a couple we live together we are getting married, we have shared finances, we are a family unit, this is our HOME. We cannot AFFORD alternative accomadation for him EOW.

My ex lives 4 miles down the road - I am lucky if he bothers more than once a month.

Blimey is this thread still going?

OP, to get back to your original question, nobody is being unreasonable here.

However, if you cannot move ( and I wouldn't in your shoes) and DP cannot work nearer your home, and XW is moving even further away, then I think DP is going to either have to see his DC less, or see you less.

I honestly cannot see another way around it - can you?

We are talking £20 at the very most.

It's the principle.

No it's not her fault (or mine considering I am doing a lot more than her to ensure the DC have a relationship with their dad) he got banned.

He had no choice in her moving to the middle of nowhere with her new bf.

When I said, "holiday park" I meant caravan park. And if you're saving three return train fares over that distance then yes, you might be able to afford a basic, off season private let caravan for two days. But I put a bit of a spin on it because you know, sounds like most of the choices available to you are unpalatable for some reason or another, even if it would save two young kids spending six hours travelling because you don't want to spend the odd weekend apart from your DP. Just because they're kids it doesn't mean it isn't fucking shit and monotonous for them.

You have an element of choice, they don't and they won't for a considerable time to come. You could sacrifice one weekend a month with your DP which would reduce stress, potentially at comparatively little cost, and let them have some time with their dad before he goes off on tour. Presumably he'll live with you when he signs off. You've got years together to look forward to, but there's always going to be a limit to how much time they've got with their dad unless their mum up-sticks and moves closer to you. It seems really short sighted to not even consider looking at other options for the next five, six months.

And as for not telling the forces that he's got a driving ban.....wtaf. That's a gamble that won't pay off if he's asked to drive a works car somewhere or if he's asked to produce it before going on tour. There's a reason they put so many guys through their driving tests.

Unlikely seeing as he's in the Navy.

I refer to my previous post - I wasn't asking how to reorganise my life - just should his ex make a small effort to enable her children to see their dad.

The kids aren't bothered about the journey they have been travelling the same journey for 6 yrs to see their dad. It's the norm to them, they have tablets, DVD players, travel games - oh and their dad.

The valuable lesson I have learnt in the last 6/7 years being in a relationship with someone in the forces if as a couple you have to do whatever works for you as a couple and as a family because very very few people actually understand - ESP the branch OH is in.

Travelling to see parents and partners is the norm for forces kids and kids who have a NRP. I know PLENTY of kids who travel EOW to see their NRP (who don't rent a flat in the mums hometown) - and plenty of dads who live in the same town who don't bother at all.

You know if you'd just said all this is over just £20 and you just wanted a moan about the principle, you wouldn't have had all the replies that have annoyed you so, with people trying to help with alternative living arrangements?

£20?

£20 - £200 a principle is a principle.

I am doing more than their mother to ensure they have a relationship with their dad.

Which is wrong IMHO.

The morher's responsibility stops at making the children available at those times.

What you do (and it's great what you do) is for HIM not HER.

Remember that you're picking up HIS slack, not her slack.

Which is fine, I'm not dissing him, you two are a team and you're a great part of that team.

But really, don't fall into a self righteous trap of bitching about her when it's his responsibilities you're helping with.

It isn't up to her to ensure the relationship with them - it's up to him.

I disagree - I feel I have a massive responsibility to enable and encourage my children to see their dad.

He is a massive twat but they love him a lot so I do a lot of things to encourage and enable that relationship.

Oh and you don't know what goes in behind closed doors to support his relationship with them.

My XH has no idea all the things I say about him to our daughter to help support her emotional attachment to him.

When he's away for months at a time, perhaps she's the one talking about him when they want to, encouraging them to email, throwing in the occasional "oh you should tell daddy about that". Maybe even reassuring them when they miss him.

Of course she might be a grade As bitch... I don't know.

But there are more ways to support a relationship than agreeing to reduce her maintenance by £20 a visit.

It's not reducing her maintenance it's asking her to contribute to the commute.

I am friends with her.

He pays £550 maintenance a month we took DC2 to get their feet measured - they had a size 2 shoe and they were measured as a size five.

They wear my DC hand me downs until they are way too small.

I have paid the rent unknown to OH twice because she had no money.

Why are you keeping that a secret from your boyfriend?

Would it not work out cheaper, and easier, for your Dp to take the kids out for tea during the week. Thus avoiding the lengthy weekend joyneys and save on train, bus and taxi fares.

Regarding who pays for the travel I would let it go if she won't pay. Otherwise you will end up feeling more resentful.
It sounds like your dp pays a lot of maintenance so ideally she should offer something towards travel but if she won't then I don't think there's much you can do about it.

I think you are getting a really rough time here OP. Yes I think she should help out with travel costs because its in her Children's best interests to do so.

This sounds very difficult and it dies Seem the odds are pretty stacked against your relationship working OP :(
However if I were the exW I wouldn't contribute to his travel costs to see his children

Op you're getting a really tough time here and it's not necessary. I don't think you're being unreasonable. My mum used to drive us 1.5 hours to meet my dad half way to his house every other weekend, then the same on a Sunday to pick us up. She did that to encourage our relationship with our dad, she didn't HAVE to do it.

If I separated from my dc's dad I would help in any way I could so they could see him.

Forces children are used to time apart and not speaking to a parent for a long time. My children are very young but the oldest is starting to understand. The op has said they have been doing this journey for 6 years, they are used to it, just like I was used to doing 3 hours in the car every other weekend and it didn't kill me or my siblings!!

On a separate note, he should tell work about the driving ban. I'm surprised they didn't know, the army seem to know everything about the lads here and are involved in any court case etc. Maybe the navy is different?