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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

147 replies

Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:20

Hi - I am a regular but have name changed due to not having done so for a while Smile

Just wanting to garner some opinion on who is BU and it's not us how we might navigate the situation with his ex.

Oh has been banned from driving due to accumulation of points - his fault.

He works in same town as his DC 170 miles away and he comes home via train and every other weekend brings his DC on two buses and a train and I do a 70 mile round trip Fri and Sun to collect them from the station (saving a third train and v tired DC).

Obviously this has cost him a fortune and at the other end he puts DC in a taxi home from train station.

OH ex is moving house some distance from where she is now and OH has said he will pay the same amount as before for the taxi (until he gets licence back) but can she make up the remainder (she doesn't drive) which she has refused to do saying that it's his fault he lost his licence (true) but she is choosing to move.

For 5 yrs OH drove over 600 miles each way every other weekend to have DC.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/11/2015 22:35

Isn't precedent that the person who moves pays the increased cost? I think if you took it back to court, that's what would be decided, provided that they have a formalised residence plan.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:37

There is no formal agreement - v difficult when in the forces.

Most forces wives do parent alone - it goes with the territory.

She doesn't now incidentally.

OP posts:
jipjap · 29/11/2015 22:38

I think they're both BU. They should have tried harder to make their marriage work.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:40

Thanks jipjap I'll pass that on Hmm

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 22:41

More complicated here though I think.
She HAD to move - they were in married quarters, she (and he) lost their home by splitting. He'll have been rehoused I think.

If she was stuck miles from family support, with an XH who was regularly posted away, it's perfectly reasonable for her to have moved - in a no fault way - they should both bear the financial cost of that, not only her.

It sounds like they've both moved anyway, since. She started off 500 miles away, now it's 170, he's bought a house with OP someone he's never worked... It's all moved on.

What if she's moving for schools? Why should she pay the cost when the move is for kids not for her?

I don't think it's black and white.

I do think that as OP's boyfriend don't be paying any travel costs come his deployment, he should pay the extra now.

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/11/2015 22:47

"She moved when they split up. Over 500 miles from where they were living at the time"

When I read this ^^ it did seem that the children's mother should accept some of the responsibility for the travel arrangements.

"They lived in married quarters"

But reading this ^^ made me think and reconsider.

It seems likely that she only lived where she did, because her husband's occupation (his posting) dictated that they live in that place.

When they split up, she (and the DCs) would effectively be made homeless by the split. When I consider that, it seems not unreasonable (given that she had to move) that she would move to the place that best suited her needs.

Given all of that, I'm not quite sure what can be done. It sounds like there are already huge distances involved. She moved 500 miles from his place of work, and he moved 170 miles from his place of work ... is that correct? Different countries?
The only glimmer I see is that you say that your DP's ExW is now moving "some distance from where she is now". Perhaps, although even further away, this move will open up a more convenient public transport link. Is that likely?

How old are the children, OP?

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/11/2015 22:50

Cross posted with Cabrinha.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/11/2015 22:55

You don't need to be there for his contact. Why are you all staying in a travel lodge? Surely that's added expense?

Is there no chance he can see them during the week that he's there?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:59

We don't stay in a travel lodge another PP suggested that - his home is here and he comes home on weekends at the moment EOW with his DC.

He sees them one day a week after school but is tricky as he has no where to take them and she now expects him to take an extra bus journey to drop them off.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 30/11/2015 07:12

But you don't beed to be there for contact!

lunar1 · 30/11/2015 07:27

When did he get the driving ban?

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 30/11/2015 07:35

I think yabu

Just as you have reasons for living far away, I'm sure she also has reasons for moving. And tbh the convenience of an ex who is often moved around for postings wouldn't be top of my list of priorities if I was in her position.

Hibu for getting a driving ban and expecting her to help pay for taxi which is a lot more expensive than petrol.

Fwiw, my father moved away and funded our visits to him, but he was the NRP, might've been different if we lived with him full tine

RubbleBubble00 · 30/11/2015 07:39

it's a difficult situation. Could he not apply for a house in married quarters as he has dependant children. Then he could have his kids during the week and you would be able to come and stay every so often on the weekends he's not home.

Most bases have rental houses/apartments for families coming to stay weekends.

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 07:50

That's interesting about the weekend rental opportunities on base.
I asked about that upthread just as a guess, but OP didn't respond.

It's only a 2.5 hour drive for you OP to do maybe one weekend a month up there with him, and you're doing a 1 hour drive at the moment anyway.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 30/11/2015 07:57

Married quarters are for people who are married or in a civil partnership - we are engaged and live together (kind of - in the eyes of the tax credits we do anyway) we are not married.

A weekend rental would be about £100 which is more than the taxi fare - I haven't bothered responding to the quite frankly ridiculous suggestions about our living arrangements - which PPs here would be happy to only see their OH 4 days a month?

OP posts:
Cloppysow · 30/11/2015 08:00

I'm afraid you lose any hint of reasonable when you mention her being in the pub.

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 08:07

"Quite frankly ridiculous"?
Where do you get off being so rude?

Of course you're not happy about 4 days a month.

FWIW, I'm 3 weeks away from 6 months since I last saw my RAF boyfriend, thanks to a short notice deployment. It sucks.

But: Forces + a man who already has kids = suck it up.

Let's turn it round.

How many kids would be happy to see their father 4 days a month?

Mine wouldn't.

And that's why I have a fucking awful commute (like, a two hour drive to an airport and living out of a suitcase as I'm based in another country) because it maximises her time with both of us.

And that's without deployments when one of us wouldn't see kids at all.

You don't want to see him only 4 days, but that's fine for his kids.

Here's one of your Hmm for that.

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 08:09

I think the least he can do is spunk up a little bit of extra cash temporarily, when it's his stupid fault for speeding anyway.

And he can find that cash easily, because as soon as he's deployed again he won't have any travel costs to see them, or entertainment costs when he's with them.

Duckdeamon · 30/11/2015 08:12

You clearly expect him to prioritise his time with you (and your tax credits?) over his seeing his DC. To the point where you think it's reasonable for the DC to do a very long roundtrip on contact weekends for time with their father when he lives in their town all week! Yabu.

DinosaursRoar · 30/11/2015 11:30

Duck - to be fair to the OP, I'm assuming she gets less Tax Credits, not more because he officially lives with her - even though 5 nights a week he's living elsewhere.

It's a bit late now, but it does seem the decision to buy a property together, meaning he officially lives with you so you get less tax credits, needing to get a property big enough so his DCs can stay too, but in a location that means he can't actually live in the house in the week but the mortgage meaning he can't afford to rent a property that fits his needs for the weekends he has his DCs - was a bad one. Long term, it might suit you to have a house together, right now, it's causing you more problems that it solves, and the whole thing has come crashing down because he lost his licence.

Looking at it from his ex's point of view - he chose to buy a house in a different town to the one he works in and his DCs live in meaning that money was tight, he chose to speed knowing he had already got enough points on his licence that being caught again would cost him his licence. He chose the situation he is now in, and while she is moving, if he'd made different choices (like not buying a house with you, but renting in the town he lives and works in 5 days a week or driving at or below the speed limit) then the costs of access wouldn't be dramatically increasing by her moving within the same town as she's lived in since they split.

The problems are of his making, she's hardly going 500 miles away this time, just across town they both live in. It's only an issue because of his actions.

He's an adult, it's really not on to expect his exP to fix problems he made.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 30/11/2015 11:38

We didn't take that desicion.

His ex went to the CSA. He was paying maintenance but also paying £200 plus to travel to get the DC so couldn't pay more than £300 a month.

The CSA then said he was living with me so passed the info on to the tax credits which I lost so we cut our losses and he went on my mortgage (we didn't buy a house together).

OP posts:
dontaskdonttell · 30/11/2015 11:47

It's difficult in a forces relationship. My dh is army and we live 300+ miles from our families (in different directions!!). If our marriage broke down I'd move north to be with my family. I don't know what we'd do about contact with our 2 soon to be 3 children.

Also, her dp can't get married quarters even though he has children, because they aren't married anymore. I know soldiers whose marriages have broken down and they move into the block, where they can't have children to stay. It's complicated.

In regards to what the op was originally asking, I think the mum should contribute to the taxi, she has moved further away from where they all live, so she should contribute and it isn't for long.

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 12:01

She had to go the CSA?

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 12:39

Hit post too soon!

I think if I'd had to resort to the CSA when my ex decided not to pay the right msintenance because of travel costs, and then he just told me I had to chip in when his costs went up from his own actions, I'd say no too!

He sounds like a really dedicated dad, making sure to see them EOW despite the distance and time.

But she needs to support his children whatever his travel costs are.

It isn't his job that has him 170 miles from his kids - it's his decision to move in with you. So it's really not clear cut about who should pick up travel.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 30/11/2015 12:44

His desicion to drive 500 miles to collect them and bring them to mine 170 miles away also meant he saw them for the last 4 years.

OP posts:
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