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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

147 replies

Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 21:20

Hi - I am a regular but have name changed due to not having done so for a while Smile

Just wanting to garner some opinion on who is BU and it's not us how we might navigate the situation with his ex.

Oh has been banned from driving due to accumulation of points - his fault.

He works in same town as his DC 170 miles away and he comes home via train and every other weekend brings his DC on two buses and a train and I do a 70 mile round trip Fri and Sun to collect them from the station (saving a third train and v tired DC).

Obviously this has cost him a fortune and at the other end he puts DC in a taxi home from train station.

OH ex is moving house some distance from where she is now and OH has said he will pay the same amount as before for the taxi (until he gets licence back) but can she make up the remainder (she doesn't drive) which she has refused to do saying that it's his fault he lost his licence (true) but she is choosing to move.

For 5 yrs OH drove over 600 miles each way every other weekend to have DC.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:02

The marriage ended because they stopped loving each other Hmm

She can afford to spend her kid free weekends in the pub so pretty sure she can contribute towards this.

Much prefer the German way where both parents pay half for contact journeys.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 22:02

What's with the Hmm
People - including myself - are trying to throw out suggestions to be helpful.
The Hmm seems quite rude to me.

DinosaursRoar · 29/11/2015 22:03

From the exW point of view - he lives and works in the same town as her during the week, but has chosen to buy a house 2.5 hours away with his new DP so that he can't now afford to live in a property big enough for access in the town he lives and works in for the bulk of the week.

He has chosen to behave in a way that has cost his licence and now wants her to pay towards the expensive commute he's chosen to have so he can spend the weekends with his new DP who has commitments in a different town to the one he lives and works in during the week... (not saying this is right, but this is from her point of view what he's asking).

I can see she'd say no.

(Would it make life financially easier for you if he got a posting nearer to where you live so he could live in the house with you rather than living away during the week - it doesn't seem to have any benefit to working in the same town as his exP and DCs if he can't have access there anyway, other than to mean you have additional costs. It'd be better if he could live with you Mon-Fri then only have the commuting costs on the weekends he's got the DCs).

BrandNewAndImproved · 29/11/2015 22:05

I think she should make up the extra travel costs incurred by her moving.

him having a license or not isn't the issue, when he gets it back she should help out with petrol money. I doubt she ever will and will say if you want to see them carry on running around after me wherever I decide to move to.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:05

She moved when they split up. Over 500 miles from where they were living at the time and where he would usually be posted with his particular role.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:06

He cannot get posted here - I have lived here for 20 yrs and lived here when we met.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 22:06

And another Hmm!!!
Some marriages end amicably, some don't.
I was suggesting that if theirs was the latter, then she'd be less likely to be helpful and there could be a fair reason for that.

I'm out - people are trying to help, and it's clear now you just want to bitch about the XW having - shock Shock - leisure time.

So Hmm right back at you.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:08

I have no problem with her having leisure time - I was answering the question of can she afford it - yes she can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:10

I was making the point that I do not need suggestions about our living arrangements - I was asking WIBU.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 29/11/2015 22:10

oh just seen it's only until the summer anyway. Then you've got to find a way round it.

Would be shit only seeing him 4 days a month, but would it be cheaper to take the DSC to stay in a B&B/travelodge in the town they live in rather than commute back and forth? (if you can arrange it for a weekend your DCs are at their dads, you could go along too).

I would say she's NBU to say no to paying the extra taxi fare if it's the same town as she's currently living in and he's currently working in (and living Mon-Fri), and this would only really be additional pennies in petrol if he hadn't lost his licence so a non-issue.

Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 22:10

Usually I'd be Hmm myself at someone moving 500 miles from their partner on splitting up. But... Forces is different I think. If you say you've never had extended time together in 6 years, I guess it was the same for her. If she chose to move to family for support, for example, and he was regularly on deployment elsewhere, the 500 miles may not be as bad as it sounds.

maybebabybee · 29/11/2015 22:11

I was quite sympathetic but you are being massively defensive when posters are just offering perfectly reasonable thoughts and advice.

You clearly have issues with the ex so why not just be honest and say so?

CalleighDoodle · 29/11/2015 22:12

Her going out to the pub twice a month does not mean she can afford the travel costs though. Unless you think she should never go out?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:13

They lived in married quarters we do not.

To stay in a travel lodge with four of us for a weekend and have to buy meals out and for me to drive there would cost a fortune!!!

OP posts:
CFSsucks · 29/11/2015 22:14

I think his ex won't pay towards it to be difficult. She could help out she just doesn't want to. Ok he was an idiot to get banned and you could say he has brought this on himself but the situation is what it is and she is the one choosing to move further away so she should cough up.

Everything else is irrelevant and I don't know why you are getting interrogated on all the details of your life together. Hmm

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:14

I have no "issues" with ex.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 29/11/2015 22:18

Going to the pub really doesn't mean she can afford to pay for travel. I really don't understand how people think they can gauge others' financial situations on the basis of stuff like that!!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:19

Ok - I know how much she earns and I obviously know how much maintenance she gets.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 29/11/2015 22:22

So? My Dad probably says the same thing about my mum, knowing what she earns and how much maintenance she gets, and she hasn't got two beans to run together.

I'm not saying this is the case with you; for all I know your partners ex is a royal PITA. I just know from experience there are two sides to every story.

mintoil · 29/11/2015 22:23

OP you have posted about related issues before I remember.

I think the reason OP is getting defensive is because there are actually other issues at play here.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/11/2015 22:23

She's not a PITA she's nice but she's shit with money.

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 29/11/2015 22:27

Bite the bullet until he goes away or see the dc less!

milaforni · 29/11/2015 22:28

Not sure why you posted the question. If he wants to see his kids it will cost him more. She has made it clear that she will not help financially. Unless she changes her mind, that's the way it is.

Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 22:33

Given the deployment in the summer, I think he should just pay the extra now. Because when he's away, he won't be paying anything to see them. So it's a short term additional cost anyway.

Perhaps the reason XW refused is because according to your OP he told her she had to pay.

The XW could have a good reason for moving, not just a whim. And when he's away, she presumably has to parent alone. Which it think adds extra consideration to how fair it is that she can just move, and how that cost should be split.

Duckdeamon · 29/11/2015 22:35

You and your DC don't need to be there for his time with his DC, most times. So he could organise accommodation for his time with them in the town they live in, and spend less time with you.

Given that driving is important in his circumstances he was behaving like a dick to drive badly, presumably several times, and lose his license.