AIBU to refuse to host Xmas dinner?

[CiritheLionessofCintra]

Another Xmas one but just that really. DH and I have always had Xmas at our own home instead of trailing our 3 DC around to visit everyone. We find it more of a hassle getting DC read and dragging them away from their toys or trying to drag the toys with us! We much prefer our routine of open presents, then have dinner then have visitors. Yesterday PIL were visiting and MIL brought up Xmas, asking us our plans, asking DC what Santa was bringing them ect before announcing that she, FIL, SIL, YSIL, BIL and BIL's DW would be joining us for dinner on Xmas day. I flat out refused.

So I don't drop feed, my reasons are first and foremost she didn't ask, she just announced they would be coming which I find rude, she usually pulls stunts like this and I'm currently 6 months pregnant with DC4.

Now, my problem. MIL huffed after that and left. Not too soon after I get a call from DH asking what I'd done to upset his mother and why I was rude to her! I explained what happened and DH wants me to reconsider.

AIBU to refuse and stand my ground?

Blimey! Have any of DH's family contacted you since the FB message?

Yes, he's being brilliant. And he'll need to go on being so. People like her have masses of energy.

Bacon, we've had a few messages from aunts, uncles and cousins asking what the hell was going on! DH parroted his Facebook reply with a few more details, they took it quite well but I think that's because DH's aunt already got a 'raving phone call from MIL'. MIL has virtually no privacy settings, another reason I don't have Facebook as she would post pictures of my DC for the world to see which I'm not okay with.

Them, DH doesn't want to reconcile now or further down the line. He said it's gone too far and would never expect me to be in the same room with a woman who has spewed so much lies and tried to break up his family. They're virtually medically sound, believe that or not! FIL goes along with MIL, agrees with her and such as 'it's his duty to his wife'. But I do think MIL is a narcissist who loves the lime light. She hates not being obeyed, hence why she hates me so much.

My ex fiance's mother was also toxic. I'm sure you know this but I just wanted to say, you have done nothing wrong and there is nothing that you could have done differently to make your MIL take to you. She can't handle the fact that her little boy has grown up and she can't control him any more so she blames you.

When I started to read this I was worried that your DH wouldn't stand up to his mother but he has done brilliantly! By providing proof of her insults, he prevented her playing the victim. I agree that it's time to take a step back from social media now though. He has definitely made his point. You have both shown your MIL that you are a strong couple and she can't come between you. Best of luck for the future. I would consider NC, what she said about your DC was disgusting and could be damaging if she repeated it in front of them.

X-posted. It's great that your DH is being so supportive, sounds like it's for the best.

Thank you, Damsel, I know it's not my fault but I do feel guilty for how DH is feeling. It can't be easy. But I know he's standing his ground for me and our kids. I've mentioned that if MIL thinks that's at about them it could very easy for her to start dropping hints to them which would damage our kids completely and I know that neither of us are willing to let that happen.

Ciri, good for you, and him.

She's off her trolley. I'm only glad that he saw it even before it fully swamped you. Extraordinary.

for both of you.

Good that the relatives didn't take her at face value. I suspect in addition to the call they probably already know what a nightmare she is, I can't imagine this is the only time she's behaved so badly!

What about dh's siblings?

My goodness she really is extremely vile, her true colours are coming out. Your poor dh, the scales have fallen from his eyes, now he can see the kind of woman his mother really is. I think going nc is the only option now, especially as her toxic ways could be passed to ds, if she is questioning their parentage, and spewing such toxic material about her gc mother. She does not deserve a relationship with her grandchildren at all. Keep strong, at least you are going to have the Christmas you want and deserve.

Wow all on Facebook for all to see how unhinged she really is, no privacy settings.

I'm imagining the local gossip/person with no boundaries approaching her in the supermarket with something along the lines of 'wow you really have no shame eh!'

Yes, Aero, we're thinking NC is the way forward, especially concerning the DC and their wellbeing.

Not to give too much away, Bacon, but I could see that supermarket meeting happening as we live in a veeeeery small tone and the 'local gossip' happens to be a good friend of mine. DH's siblings all follow MIL, apart from YSIL and BIL's wife who's actually recently texted me to tell me how sorry she was as she had no idea they were planning this.

I'm deeply impressed that your DH posted the screenshots of her conversation the night before. He's clearly got balls!

Hope you are all coping ok - this must be hard for all converned.

*Small town. I swear auto correct will be the death of me if MIL isn't.

Geez that'll be an interesting meeting!

Poor ysil and bil's wife, how embarrassing for them!

What is it about occasions that makes everyone (me included!) go batshit crazzyzzzz.

Your DH sounds like a wonderful fella. I'd be proud of him.

btw - what's a ysil?

Goodness me.

Blimey op i was thinking just asians behave like this yanbu.

ive had tp host eid this yr, usually its just my family no one else since weve been living away for many years. This year all immediate family and first cousind and their kids (20) young kids making lots noise. i had 60 guests. It was so stressful i was thinking about applying for masterchef but to hell with that dream its put me off.

I fear next year ill have to do it again if i dont theyll come anyway 1 family at a time unannounced. Since its not xmas im thinking caterers mixed with bit of honemade food which caterers wont supply.

Say no unless husband will be in there helping. If they do come invite for lunch i feel too tired to host guests for dinner only exception would be friends because ican relax and be informal with them

Another idea might go well tell them all to get a dish each then theres no pressure?

So, a YSIL = Younger sister in law.

Katar, blimey! Please tell them no! That's not hosting that's feeding a swarm! I think master chef might have been less stressful! Though I do know how the unannounced visits feel, awkward as it might be you need to kick the habit before they start doing it more and more. All it takes is one time of accepting unannounced visitors and it turns into ...well, this. And I honestly don't think any dish of food could make DH or I forgive any of them. Even if it was a KFC bargain bucket.

Wow your dh has really come up trumps, well done on him for supporting you all and posting those screenshots for all to see. There is Noway that any relationship with her can be salvaged, it's reached the point of no return. NC is the only way, especially with you and the chikdren. I woukd still support him seeing her outside the home if he wanted to, but she woukd not be welcome in my home and company again!

Sorry op didnt read progress to your posts so theyve fallen out due to mil lies sorry to hear that.

I hope you manage to have a great xmas anyway. i think mil will apologise but im optimistic to the point of delusion my brothers tell me so maybe im wrong lol

If you live in a very small town, why do they come and stay with you every other weekend?!

Because that's how DH's family 'operate', Really. They believe family is everything and are very close knit. If we didn't contact them for a week or missed a weekend we'd be accused of trying to cut them out of our children's lives or being at my parents.

lord, seems the best that could come out of this is you move to just have day visits to deal with, rather than someone staying over who lives in the same town as you regularly!

Katarzyna - could you loudly ask who's turn it is next year to host when you are next together with a group of family, and what a great idea for you all to take it in turns. Act like it's been agreed that you'd be taking it in turns - you could go as far as ask a couple of cousins "I was just doing a sort out, and I wondered is it your turn to host Eid next year or is it [Name of another cousin]'s turn? I've got lots of [insert they might need like disposible plates] and just know if I put them away somewhere i'll completely forget by next year. Who should I be taking them too?" if they bluster "ok, can you let me know when you find out? I'm sure it was agreed we'll all be taking it in turns, so glad I've not got to do it 2 years on a run, lovely having all 60-odd of us together, but it was tricky!" Act like it's agreed, you'll find it might well be sorted for you..