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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to host Xmas dinner?

222 replies

CiritheLionessofCintra · 27/11/2015 19:41

Another Xmas one but just that really. DH and I have always had Xmas at our own home instead of trailing our 3 DC around to visit everyone. We find it more of a hassle getting DC read and dragging them away from their toys or trying to drag the toys with us! We much prefer our routine of open presents, then have dinner then have visitors. Yesterday PIL were visiting and MIL brought up Xmas, asking us our plans, asking DC what Santa was bringing them ect before announcing that she, FIL, SIL, YSIL, BIL and BIL's DW would be joining us for dinner on Xmas day. Hmm I flat out refused.

So I don't drop feed, my reasons are first and foremost she didn't ask, she just announced they would be coming which I find rude, she usually pulls stunts like this and I'm currently 6 months pregnant with DC4.

Now, my problem. MIL huffed after that and left. Not too soon after I get a call from DH asking what I'd done to upset his mother and why I was rude to her! I explained what happened and DH wants me to reconsider.

AIBU to refuse and stand my ground?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2015 23:19

I know, you have dh problems. He is happy to let mil treat you like that.

Leelu6 · 27/11/2015 23:28

Ciri, if telling them that you want it cut down is not working, how about telling your DH/ILs that you won't be there the next weekend to host them and taking yourself off to your mum's/friend's place?

I love my mum but don't think I could even have her to stay every other weekend (just once per month or so).

But hopefully they will now stay over less, as you say.

If you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get!

Sometimes the shit needs to hit the fan so you can have things out in the open finally!

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/11/2015 23:35

Nearly midnight and your husband has gone to his mother's house (instead of coming home) specifically so that she and he can talk about you behind your back, OP?!?!?

Is that an acceptable way to behave in your marriage?

Can't be. Surely? I must have missed something. He hasn't really done that. Has he?

Original poster
CiritheLionessofCintra · 27/11/2015 23:35

When we first got together I knew he was some what of a mummy's boy but it was only have we had our first child so many years after we were married that MIL become more over bearing and obsessive. DH indulges her because of their family belief of how close knit family's should be so he's used to catering to them or they sulk, guilt trip, throw tantrums you name. Hmm

Right, DH had texted me and said he's on the way home after blowing up at MIL. I was shocked to hear this until he explained. MIL, not knowing or caring (?) that I had already spoken to DH via text/phone call about what happened, told him the biggest crock of shite about what I actually said and what she said to me.

I accept people have their own ways and family functions but I won't accept someone lying about me to my husband even if it is his mother!

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/11/2015 23:38

We need to hear more!!

ohtheholidays · 27/11/2015 23:40

Hooray I'm glad he's blown up at his mother she sounds like a manipulative cow!

I hope your able to stop the long weekends of you hosting them from now on as well.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/11/2015 23:41

Relieved to hear that he didn't accept her lies, but still think it was beyond the pale that he went in the first place,

What if she hadn't given him "the biggest crock of shite", but had related the story more or less as you had. Would he then have been on her 'side'?

starfishmummy · 27/11/2015 23:47

Pulls up chair, and waits impatiently for more. ...

WyldChyld · 27/11/2015 23:50

Glad he has (sort of?) defended you. User this opportunity to sort out those awful visits too

ChimpyChops · 27/11/2015 23:50

Well done to your dh. It can't be easy and I know I sat listening to my ex-dh stand up to his mother and I felt really sorry for him but I think it had to be said. 7 months pregnant with 3 other children and being told you were hosting 6 extra adults who will do absolutely nothing to help? Fuck right off.

Anyone who claims this would be okay for them must be lying surely?

TroubleinDaFamily · 27/11/2015 23:51

A neck like a giraffe... Shock

ChimpyChops · 27/11/2015 23:54

Further more, before anyone jumps on me, yes he should have instantly defended his wife of course and should have gone home first to talk it through and present a united front etc but at least he has 'blown up' as he says and hopefully this is the start of him defending your family time.

Strokethefurrywall · 28/11/2015 00:02

I can't wait to hear the lies. Stand your ground OP, now is the time to lay down some fresh ground rules...

Original poster
CiritheLionessofCintra · 28/11/2015 00:08

Alright, I'm not one to blow the top off things but this has really rattled me. She's basically told DH that I said she wasn't welcome in our home. That I laughed at her and told her that she shouldn't bother coming over at all as her and FIL are a burden, that DH didn't want them over either. She then went on a rant to DH about how I was lazy and am only with him for his money because I am a SAHM, that I've hinted at cutting her out of her DGC's lives because I wanted to cut their weekends short, that I don't make enough effort to include them, how I favour my family over them, how I insulted the family by not making SIL god mother of our unborn child and the cherry on top that I've apparently cheated on him! He snapped and blew up and started shouting at her at this point but had to leave when she started making comments about our youngest child not looking like him.

It was for the best that he saw this side of her and saw that she would sink so low as to lie about me. But I'm fuming. I've always made an effort to include them in our family time, I've been nothing but nice and polite to this woman. I had a feeling she resented me for taking her 'baby boy' away but never to this extent.

OP posts:
SouthWesterlyWinds · 28/11/2015 00:09

Please please please let this be the wool falling from your DH's eyes

AcrossthePond55 · 28/11/2015 00:11

Though I now know why he's so late. He's been summoned to MILs house for a 'family meeting' and to calm his mother because I won't contact her. So, to be blunt shit has hit the fan.

Seriously? I mean you aren't joking? I would be furious! How very dare they call your DH on the carpet to lecture him about your 'behaviour'!! I'm gobsmacked. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back and your DH will tell them to do one.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 28/11/2015 00:11

Shock ....

ohtheholidays · 28/11/2015 00:11

My god she really is nuts then OP!

I'd say that's it then no Christmas visit and no more long weekends taken up looking after them.

RomComPhooey · 28/11/2015 00:18

Crikey!! A definitive Christmas outcome for a change, but she really took the nuclear option.

Original poster
CiritheLionessofCintra · 28/11/2015 00:22

And to think this all happened because I said no to hosting dinner ! My god if I didn't laugh I'd cry it's that ridiculous. Apparently MIL has thought that I've always hated her so "she'll give as good as she's given"! Honestly I sensed some crazy over the years but not bat shit crazy.

DH is definitely done. He has said he can't be in contact with anyone who would speak about his wife the way she did and purposely try to break up his family by spewing lies.

OP posts:
clam · 28/11/2015 00:22

Wow. Just wow!

So, Christmas lunch round yours is off now? Result! Wink

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 28/11/2015 00:24

Wow! How bizarre. Awful for your husband to hear all that but he might not have believed it if she'd said it to you and you'd reported it back. He might have minimized it or thought you'd misinterpreted what was said and who could blame him. No one would want to think their mother could say that about their wife. But she has, and he heard it, so she's given you your "get out of jail free" card - Christmas & future weekends just the way you want them.

WyldChyld · 28/11/2015 00:27

OP, your DH is likely to be very upset and distressed even if he seems angry. Remember you guys are a unit - he's grown a backbone because she pushed him too far about you. Be strong together - he's gonna need you.

Pleased he stood up for you though

possum18 · 28/11/2015 00:32

How on earth she can suggest you don't make an effort with her/FIL when you allow these long weekend visits is beyond me! My MIL lives in another country and 1 or 2 week visits a year staying at ours is enough for me! I'm so sorry this has turned so vicious and malicious for you and DH OP.

Original poster
CiritheLionessofCintra · 28/11/2015 00:43

Wyld, I know. As much as I'm happy he's seen this I also almost regret it. It has to be painful for him, especially considering how close his family are and how they operate. I'll offer support and comfort in whatever way I can as I have a feeling where this will all go.

OP posts: