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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to host Xmas dinner?

222 replies

CiritheLionessofCintra · 27/11/2015 19:41

Another Xmas one but just that really. DH and I have always had Xmas at our own home instead of trailing our 3 DC around to visit everyone. We find it more of a hassle getting DC read and dragging them away from their toys or trying to drag the toys with us! We much prefer our routine of open presents, then have dinner then have visitors. Yesterday PIL were visiting and MIL brought up Xmas, asking us our plans, asking DC what Santa was bringing them ect before announcing that she, FIL, SIL, YSIL, BIL and BIL's DW would be joining us for dinner on Xmas day. Hmm I flat out refused.

So I don't drop feed, my reasons are first and foremost she didn't ask, she just announced they would be coming which I find rude, she usually pulls stunts like this and I'm currently 6 months pregnant with DC4.

Now, my problem. MIL huffed after that and left. Not too soon after I get a call from DH asking what I'd done to upset his mother and why I was rude to her! I explained what happened and DH wants me to reconsider.

AIBU to refuse and stand my ground?

OP posts:
StrictlyMumDancing · 27/11/2015 21:10

Brilliant responses cir

Having said that I would say great, you do it all then, I will not be lifting a finger. Then I'd stay and watch my DH fail (I'd have a backup of food for DCs!). Maybe I'm evil.

Either that or I'd off the same as CatTheifKeith on her thread and say ok they can come, but its buffet only.

rageagainsttheBIL · 27/11/2015 21:12

Ok so I agree that they shouldn't invite themselves over.

BUT

I have to admit I would find it a bit sad never to see my Child, grandchildren or sibling on Christmas Day because they prefer to spend it at their house and can't be bothered to visit anyone else. Maybe if you never invite them, the only way they would get to see you is by inviting themselves?

I don't live near the rest of my family, and they pretty much refuse to come here at Xmas, which means if we want to see them, which we do, we have to do the 8 hour round trip to theirs. So I know how it feels having a part of the family that won't compromise or make an effort at Christmas and quite frankly it can really grate after several years...

DinosaursRoar · 27/11/2015 21:15

But Rage - they are all welcome over after Christmas lunch for the afternoon.

ofallthenerve · 27/11/2015 21:16

Kind of agree with rage tbh. Hence I think pizza could work! Have I mentioned pizza?

Think the OP's MIL sounds cheeky as anything and possibly she wants to be waited on as much as to see DGC and DD - who knows? The only way to find out is to offer pizza. Pizza is the only answer! Ahem... sorry. Pizza.

mintoil · 27/11/2015 21:18

I think the problem with suggesting DH does it all is that when he fails, OP will feel obliged to step in and save the day for fear of ruining her DC Christmas. I know I would.

I think your plan is brilliant OP and you should stick to your guns. Either you are at home without them, or he can have them and you and DC go away.

rageagainsttheBIL · 27/11/2015 21:22

Yes sorry I meant for more than an hour or two after dinner, everyone knows the good bits are watching the kids opening pressies together and having dinner with crackers etc.

And my point about always having to be the one to visit still stands.

BrendaandEddie · 27/11/2015 21:22

OP

its 'etc' by the way

BrendaandEddie · 27/11/2015 21:24

i would just do it - christ its just like two families.
Its a roast meal
get over it

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/11/2015 21:31

cheeky she invited herself but tbh you will be cooking for your family so add an extra turkey/other meat/crown from iceland and do more roaties and veg

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/11/2015 21:35

Blondes ... why cant MIL do it then? She can go to iceland ... she xan pay ... she can cook and wash up!! Sorted.

GruntledOne · 27/11/2015 21:35

A roast meal for 11 people including three young children, plus all the clearing up beforehand and afterwards, at 7 months pregnant? Would you think it that easy to "get over", Brenda?

gamerchick · 27/11/2015 21:36

Man you're my hero OP. Bravo.

Now stick to your guns and take yourself off to your mothers if you have to.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2015 21:40

Good on you op, now go to your mums, and leave dh to it!

StrictlyMumDancing · 27/11/2015 21:41

I don't get all the 'just bung some extra veg' responses. This is 6 extra adults to cater for. More than double OPs family even if they were all adults.

Plus its not just about that. Having just your family at home means you can have dinner when you like, you don't have to get out of your PJs if you don't feel like it, nothing is formal etc. Having 6 extra guests means putting real clothes on, having dinner at around a certain time, ensuring they're all watered as well as fed, more mess to be had, etc etc.

It wouldn't be so bad if the ILs hadn't invited themselves though.

BrendaandEddie · 27/11/2015 21:43

crown from Iceland

Who has let the working class on here?

Original poster
CiritheLionessofCintra · 27/11/2015 21:46

Rage, they and any other visitors are welcome over after Xmas lunch for the afternoon, there is no restricted stay time so that could mean 9pm if they wish. We see PILs every two weeks when they stay for a long weekend Friday - Tuesday and before then if DC have activities, matches or plays. I understand your point on making an effort and while I won't debate preferences I see nothing wrong with wanting to spend xmas in my own home without carting off our family off our 5 off to each house. PIL bring the presents they have for DC to our home for them to open so that is a non issue and opening presents happens early in our home, the DC get up at 7am and I find that far too early to have anyone over.

ofall, pizza sounds brilliant ...now that you mention it. But like I've said my MIL expects a proper xmas dinner. Take away wouldn't be an option. Shock

Auto correct is a bitch sometimes. But thank you, Brenda for the the in depth and thought out response. I'll defiantly take it into consideration. Grin

Blondes, it's not just about the cooking. More the fact that I know I'll be the one cooking everything, serving it, hosting and cleaning up. PILs certainly won't help and DH will be utterly useless with them here as MIL won't let her baby boy lift a finger.

Speaking of DH, he still hasn't replied. He's either in a corner sulking about my response or on the way home.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 27/11/2015 21:48

Another OP that I love! Well done, stand your ground Grin

janethegirl2 · 27/11/2015 21:51

OP stand your ground. There is no fucking way I'd do it and I'm not pregnant. Your dh is being ridiculous unless he wants to do the prep, the shopping and the cooking and the clearing up.

Marynary · 27/11/2015 21:53

I think it was entirely appropriate "to laugh at her like she was a moron." Many people would have been much ruder. Your DH and MIL are being ridiculously unreasonable to expect you to cook for all those people especially considering you will be quite heavily pregnant.

5Foot5 · 27/11/2015 22:03

I would just do it - christ its just like two families.
Its a roast meal get over it

Two objections to that:

  1. The MIL has an immense cheek to just invite six people over without a by-your-leave. Maybe I am an awkward bugger but, even if I were happy to host a big dinner and considering inviting them anyway, I would be tempted to refuse because of the sheer breathtaking cheek of it.el

  2. The OP will be heavily pregnant so it will not be in the least fun slogging away in the kitchen cooking for 11 people.

Personally I would go along with the DHs offer and make sure he knows I really mean it. E.g keep saying how much you are enjoying putting your feet up this Christmas and doing nothing at all, given how you won't be up to any cooking / cleaning anyway by that stage of the pregnancy. Then stick to it. Really. Sit there through all calamities with your feet up and let him sweat it out and see how hard it is. Respond to pleas for help with a sweet smile and advice but do not get up from your chair.

What is the worse that can happen? Will your kids really notice if the dinner is not all it should be? His family might but so what? They should go in the kitchen and help him out if they are that bothered.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/11/2015 22:04

or if mil comes she can cook Grin

Original poster
CiritheLionessofCintra · 27/11/2015 22:12

5, I suppose I'm more worried about it ending up with a tense atmosphere which eventually breaks out into a fight. DH is literally a shite cook which would result in a shite meal or no meal which would result in unhappy PILs which would result in a fight. I defiantly don't want that around the DC on xmas day.

Blondes, MIL prefers to be waited on so she certainly won't lift a finger. Maybe when hell opens up an icerink she will...Grin

OP posts:
revealall · 27/11/2015 22:13

Not sure there is an easy answer to large family Christmas's.

That's the point of Christmas.....either you have to lug your shit to someone else's home, buy gifts, help out, not drink because you have to get home, respect their traditions...

Or host.

reni2 · 27/11/2015 22:30

But OP wanted a small family Christmas, revealall, that's what they normally do.

Marilynsbigsister · 27/11/2015 22:31

OP, did I read this right ? Your PIL stay at yours 'every fortnight from Friday-Tuesday' ? ..seems a bit much to me, but if this is something you appear to accept, then why don't PIL just come a day earlier and go a day earlier... Come over Thursday Christmas Eve, stay Christmas Day - MIL can step in and pick up the pieces when your DH fucks up the lunch... Meanwhile you can play with dcs and put your feet up ! Everybody's happy !